Isn't it absolutely thrilling how I only blog during pre-exam periods? I swear the very feeling of refusal to do ANY sort of productive academic-related work will drive me to indulge in all sorts of nonsensical things.

I've got to admit that blog-surfing must be the no 1 time-wasting activity that I frequently indulge in. And I hardly even know some of these people!-_-''

Well, in some attempt to justify myself, I suppose it's a good way of keeping up with friends( albeit a bit too one-sided and stalkerish for my liking) you don't see that often.

In other news, I've decided to extend my trip to the US by one week and just take some time to travel around the area. Will be traveling with a couple of other strangers, so hurrah for my bravery and edgy spontaneity! So far, nothing is planned, but I've engaged Ant to do a spot of itinerary planning for me, so I won't be totally clueless when I get there. Am hoping to be able to link up with disciples from either the LA church or the Bay Area church. Who knows? Maybe I won't have to worry so much about accommodation, heh ;p

Had a really intense bible study with one of my oldest friends yesterday. I was feeling alot, but I didn't know how to encourage her or put my thoughts into words, and I'm especially afraid that I'll say the wrong thing and shoot myself in the foot. Dear: I just want to let you know that J, V and I will be here for you! Please don't turn us away.

I'm really thankful for the disciplers that I've had, and I know that at times, I haven't been appreciative enough of them, taking them for granted. And in doing so, taking God for granted because it was He who put these wonderful people in my life. I think being focused on God will help me keep away all other distractions.

Whoa, I actually think I managed to motivate myself a little after blogging!
Thank you blog for allowing me a space to reflect and refocus!

"Never allow anything to divert you from your insight into Christ. It is the true test of spirituality. To be unspiritual means that other things have a growing fascination for you"-Oswald Chambers

Pray that I'll always remember that.

Whee! Am excited. Will be flying off from 7 May to 20 May to Stanford for the Summer Programme. Promise to blog more about it soon(: In the meantime, study hard for the exams! My favourite examination-related verse:

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Heb 12:1


And this made me cry yesterday-



Amen.

Oh man, this is classic, Alanis Morrisette is a genius.

Am mourning the loss of semblance of normal appearance. Hair is asymmetrical from all angles and fringe is a sharply defined staircase across my forehead. Sides are in the shape of a jagged bowl. The look is "village-idiot decides to go glam". Vaguely traumatized.

Photoshoot was relatively fun in the beginning, was feeling pampered having 6 people attending to me. Then all the hoity toity glee disappeared two hours into the process. I spent (no kidding) nine hours in the salon inhaling ammonia and having my face painted into a "chocolate tone".

What I initially thought was a simple shoot with me smiling into the camera for 30 mins max turned into a marathon photoshoot. They were aiming to have my skin colour and hair colour match. Goodness, we even shot a couple of poses against a similarly coloured wall, and I seriously blended into the brown wall.

Now have to contend with browless state cos they lasy shaved off half my brows. Will have to rely on brow pencil for the next couple of weeks. Amazing invention, the brow pencil.

Henceforth stops my experimentation with avant garde hairstyles.

In my room at 1 am, we're going crazy over our stats project, Joyce has her laptop on, well, her lap-

Ron: eh, put the laptop on the table lahh
Joyce: it's ok, i got no sperm.

-_-''

Culinary Science

I have never professed to be much of a cook, although I love to perceive myself as a connoisseur of sorts. The portentous descriptions of taste, with a vocabulary ballooning beyond the basic parameters of sweet, bitter, sour, and spicy (did I miss out anything?).

There is a dichotomous mix of admiration and scorn for those obscure food critics who abstrusely gush about the "full-bodiedness" and" intangible savoury flavours" of the food at hand. (granted the ability to Taste treads the strange line between the tangible and the intangible- it’s like love, really, but that’s best left for another time.)

Seasoning is never an exact science, each slab of fillet intrinsically different, each grain in a pinch of salt reacting differently with one another. Does one grain more or less really make a difference? This is different from the hard sciences like Physics, where one atom and another atom, under the same conditions, always produces the same results. You may argue that it is the same for food, but 2 slabs of fillets cooked under the same conditions are not the same to different people. Heck, the same fillet shared between 2 persons do not even illicit the same reactions. But on the other hand, a molecule of water is a molecule of water(is a molecule of water).

I wonder how people in the past used to cook, harking back to an era without calibrated weighing machines, thermostat ovens and all the Philip Starck designed kitchen appliances. Imagine – tender mammoth meat cooked by a cave man, compared to steak from Morton’s, that esteemed culinary institution. There is a curious revival of returning to basic methods of food preparation. Using coal ovens to bake pizza, prehistoric grills to cook meat- this manufactured primitivism has become a highly modern phenomenon in itself.

I would love to meet one of those people who proclaim that the food “talks” to them, one of those elusive food seers who draw prophecies from a plate of omelette. (Tea leaves are so last century.)

Perhaps that ability exists in some degree in all of us. An oily plate of Hokkien Mee from the hawker auntie who watched you grow up, pig innards stew painstakingly boiled by your grandmother because you have an exam tomorrow, and who can forget the ubiquitous black chicken with dang gui, that rancid concoction for bleeding girls – these speak to us in their own inimitable language, very often divine proclamations of love.

And on some days, I can taste God in a bowl of chicken soup.

Mid terms have been over for a while now, so it has been jolly and relatively peaceful the last couple of days. I love the routine of getting up, doing quiet time while eating breakfast (tea is my new addiction), reading the papers and catching up on my work in general.

Have been reading "My Utmost for My Highest" by Oswald Chambers for QT, and I have to say that it gets better everyday. Every single entry somehow seems to address whatever particular issue I'm going through. (So who says one needs to witness a burning bush or some other equally bizarre phenomenon to know that God works in our lives?)

In other reading material-related news, I have taken up "The End of Economic Man" by Brockway, which reminds me of Barnard and all his dry Brit ramblings. I miss his sense of humor. I have come to realize that I judge people heavily by their sense of humor, more specifically whether we are on the same wavelength. But I suppose friendships need to be based on more than our proclivity to laugh at the same jokes.
Anyway, this is one of my favourite shots of the campus ministry at Mari's place during the CNY cross-island house visiting extravaganza. We all look gloriously happy :)

Woot!

We celebrated dear Vanessa's birthday yesterday. The whole campus gathered at Raffles Hotel for an awesome time of fellowship. Heh, the sisters managed to squeeze a few tears from our august leader after all the sharing. Anyway, I'm really thankful to have her as a small group leader, where I can feel like I can tell her anything, and she'll be there to lend a listening ear. She really loves the ministry and everyone in it, even though we may not be all that lovable at times. (yeahyeah, self-admittedly).

Anyway, had a packed day today, had a great time visiting the cousins. Karen is getting bigger by the day, and I'm so excited about the new baby (potentially a nephew. wheeee!) It was nice just to spend time with the extended family, talking about nothing in particular, catching up with one another. Hm, I really do want to hang out with the cousins more, since they're mostly working and can afford the time, I suppose it 's up to me to take the initiative. I promise to make time for them during the break. (Heh, I kinda have my activities planned out: to the roads of Singapore, look out!)

Ok, been trying to stay on top of my work, which has been going on the way I suppose one expects work to go. I've forgotten the feeling of intense mugging, but oh well.

I've been thinking of a new blog name, and I contemplated "riversidegirl", just to "gek" (there really is no proper English word for this!!) Marilyn the lakesidegirl, except that there's no river nearby and I don't live close to any romantically scenic water bodies, save the Sheares Hall pond. :X heh.

Rationality and Religion

"I have converted to Life. I see his god in the millionth position of pi, in the arguments of Phraedrus, in a perfect paradox. But that is not enough for Millat"

-Magid, White Teeth, Zadie Smith

We're still in the middle of LNY (ahaha, the anal retentive side of me refuses to call it CNY.:p) and the visiting has dwindled down to a trickle. But I'm still looking forward to this Sunday's visits to John and Wee Keong's houses.

The week has flown past and I always catch myself doodling away my time, filling up my schedule with loads of activities, not all productive, but mostly enjoyable, heh.

It has come to my neighbour's attention, my somewhat irrational addiction to mediocre entertainment. I loooove watching TV, even when I obviously cannot stand what is being played on screen! I'd continue merely for some perverse need to have the screen flashing with moving images. Hmm, perhaps if motion is all I need, it would be better to tune in to some esteemed channel like BBC or CNA, so at least some of the useful information gets filtered to my brain. Anyway, I resolve to listen to MJ's nagging and wean myself off this addiction in time for the exams. I notice that I tend to replace one sin with another. It's like "Amen, I no longer smoke!! I've moved on to marijuana instead" -_-''

Am psyching myself up for the Bibletalk later, which will be the first that I'll be leading (and very hopefully not the last:p). Hm, I suppose it's like a usual sharing, except we have more friends over.

Someone is playing Hindi music at top blast, I think it's from upstairs. Just so happens that I'm currently reading "White Teeth" by Zadie Smith, which leads me feeling all Indian-ish. Think I'll have prata for dinner later.

I think I shall keep up with the blogging more consistently now, so that my writing abilities don't completely die out on me:) Anyway, it's nice to have an outlet to type out random thoughts and indulge in whimsical digressions every once in a while. As Mari would put it - Random White
Noise. Enjoy the fuzzzzzz.

Well, when one has exhausted all the options presented by blog surfing, one pathetically turns to updating one's own blog.

Life has been alot more complicated since I became a Christian, I have to worry about being righteous, denying myself, being sensitive to emotional sisters, being more self-controlled and minding my propriety with brothers. But all has been good, and I'm thankful for these people in my life.

It's quite scary how much my faith is based on my fellowship with the brothers and sisters, whether it's them encouraging me, keeping me accountable or just plain having fun. I think I need to learn to strengthen my personal walk with God.

Moved back in hall a couple of days back, and I have to say that I've missed this place and all the independence it gives. I do need some time away from the family- I think it actually helps our relationship that I'm not there to irritate each other.

The neighbours have been the same old raucous bunch and I've missed the 7 Lolitas of Block A.

Ok, seem to be suffering from a mild case of sore eyes, so am going to bed early.

PS The familiar stench from a dubious girl on our level is back:(

Hello 2007:)

I've done up my list of resolutions, my most thought out and seriously considered list ever. Hope to be kept accountable by all the sisters, especially those in my small group. Looking forward to an awesome semester!

I'm constantly amazed by the sisters in church, who all seem to manage to put God number one, while I constantly struggle with the question if God alone is enough for me. It's somewhat discouraging to find out that God is indeed enough only if He is all you've got. But the optimist in me strikes back defiantly. You'll never understand that He alone is enough until you put Him first in your life. David shared this amazing advice: Christians often misunderstand that we are expected to place God above all else in our list of Life's Priorities, which is not to say that we should not do that. But the Lord is truly pleased when His name is beside each item on the list. He needs to thoroughly permeate our lives.

It's funny how I strive to be righteous (often too self-righteous for my own good-that is veering towards arrogance) but I seem to be giving in to temptation increasingly these days. Perhaps it's the fact that I'm more aware of temptation, whereas in the past, I'd dismiss them as mere fun normal teenagers enjoy. Living in hall is complicated. Communal cohabitation brings along with it so many intricacies and minor tensions. But then again, so does every single human environment. Everyday, I seem to be struggling with the same old temptations, but they present themselves to me in such enticing new forms that I almost always end up being engulfed by them anyway.

(Non-)Ownership of myself is something that I haven't quite come to terms with yet. In the past, whenever I wasted my time, whiling away in front of the TV or gossiping with friends, I'd fret about it afterwards, mentally subtracting that amount of time from the time I could have otherwise spent productively studying. There are shreds of my old behaviour left, but now there's an added layer of guilt- wasting away God's gift to me. I'm constantly trying to remind myself that while Time is God's gift to me, what I do with it is my gift to Him.

I think I may be too idealistic sometimes, and I'm thankful that I have friends who see fit to bring me down to earth. While it's fine and dandy to want to excel in all things, it's highly difficult and can be done only with divine concentration and perhaps intervention. Qing told me that one can't have the cake and eat it too, but I beg to differ. Gwen offered similar advice, but from the other side of the spectrum. I believe that God wants me to eat my cake, but according to His will; meaning I don't frantically stuff my face with confectionary (while we're still in the business of gastronomical metaphors) but that I should take my time to nibble and savour it at my own pace.

All that's left is a cold and broken Hallelujah.
I'm sure most Christians find themselves in situations like this, but there's really nothing to do except plough on with faith! And Amen to that.

Am finally posting a post from my new Fujitsu Lifebook! Haha, so exciting! Hmm, ok, just wanted to post something up like I said in the previous post. Just had SNDCC last night, where the whole Sheares Hall dresses up to eat in the common hall. Heh, was expecting cai peng, eating in that setting, where we go everyday in tank tops/singlets/T-shirts and shorts to makan, but it was nicely decorated last night to resemble a restaurant. I guess it's fun to dress up for dinner and have our dates in shirts and ties. :) I remember the lights being screened through yellow cellophane paper, which made everybody look oddly jaundiced. The chairs were so close that we barely had space to manoveure through the maze of furniture. My date Weiming was dressed very formally and looked somewhat fatherly (haha, but don't tell him that!) but we had fun yakking away though our conversation was drowned by the very enthusiastic girl next to me :p Was abandoned after dinner cos Weiming had to go prepare for his performance (doing military stunts with pink umbrellas:p) so I found myself Date No 2, haha. Cam-whored after everything and went back to my room to review the hundreds of photographs- mostly awkwards shots of the boys clowning around.

Have most settled into the routine of school now, so am hoping to maintain this equilibrium, although I foresee an avalanche of activites descending on me in the coming months. Must have faith and not lose sight of myself!

Have moved in to hall for 3 weeks now. Am lovin it(: Been busybusybusy, with little time to be quiet and write, but am curiously feeling the blood jet of poetry recently, to borrow a phrase from Plath (wow, I do miss her). Hall life has been intensive-games till midnight, followed by supper sessions till 2 am. It’s been a hassle surviving without a laptop, but thanks to wonderful neighbours who expose themselves for my exploitation, I’m scraping through(: Can’t wait to finally get Internet connection- hopefully by next week I’ll be able to write a post using my new Fujitsu Lifebook!

Just finished “The Screwtape Letters” by C.S Lewis, which is an amazingly cutting magnum opus. Indeed, good writing is like a double-edged sword, it pierces the heart and has the purposes of teaching, rebuking and disciplining. I think Lewis qualifies as such a writer-he must be happily scribbling away poetry beyond the pearly gates now. Well, it’s always inspiring to come across writings that seem so close to being God-breathed. Reading it gives me the goosebumps.

My progress in doing QT has been alright I suppose, but I feel that there’re fluctuations in the quality, heh. But it’s ok, I see God in so many small miracles every single day. Met up with Hui Xin last week, and it was extremely encouraging to see her devote herself to her ministry and still be focused on other mundane things like, oh, I don’t know, academic warfare at Cambridge. :p We had a long chat-it’s been awhile since I talked like that to someone. I miss Hwachuhumanz…

She shared an interesting analogy with me:

Imagine you were dying from an illness, and there was only ONE cure available- consumption of a special flower found on the top of the world’s most treacherous peak. I volunteered to traipse the mountain to obtain it for you. After getting the flower, I brought it to your lips. The logical progression would be for you to eat it and recover. I am not going to force it down your throat, but I want you to know that I risked my life to obtain that flower, and if you do not choose wholeheartedly, willingly to eat from my hand, you will perish. I guess this parallels the Lord’s sacrifice for us. Many (myself included) have questioned why Christianity has to be so “exclusive”. If God was so merciful, then why doesn’t He save everyone? But God gave us the freedom of choice, He wants us to be sincerely grateful, and to Choose to love Him. He took the first step by giving us His son, and it is totally up to us to reciprocate. Of course, we can choose not to, but then we will have to bear the consequences: denied entry into Heaven.

Indeed, His banner over us is love. God has already given us the maximum capacity of love, so we need not consciously rack up “good deeds” in order to gain brownie points to secure our entry to Heaven. We are merely trying to reciprocate His love for us. It seems so natural that I don’t know why I took so long (18 years!) to understand that! We will never stop sinning as long as we live, but this should not excessively worry us because our salvation can never be lost. It’s difficult to love thy neighbour as thyself, but I’ll always remember that only when you’ve finally accomplished that, will you be allowed to love yourself as much as you love others. I’m not going to make any excuses-I’m far from that ideal, and sometimes I find myself heading in the other direction, but it’s heartening to know that I have the campus ministry and so many other friends (I love you guys!) along for the journey. (:

I’ve been learning so much this past year about life, faith, spirituality, love than my whole life combined. I’m truly blessed. (:

Music: Alter Bridge-In Loving Memory

Saw this graphic print on Sera's shirt-loves it!

Just came back from union camp yesterday and church 1/2 hr ago:) The brothers were extremely sweet- they surprised us with SAD day today. Haha, it actually stands for Sister Appreciation Day. The whole campus ministry (20 plus people or so?) gathered at Ant's void deck where the brothers sang "Prince of Peace" and "LOVE" (L is for the way you look at meee...) for us and Sera teared up a bit. Then each bro presented a sis with flowers and a short testimony. And they treated us to a cake with pink icing on top, which read "SAD", We were laughing that the patissier must be weirded out my the message. Well, now that the standards are set for BAD (I'm sure you can figure out what that stands for, heh), the sisters will have to come up with something memorable.

Union camp was fun! Er, save for SP night, where I was seriously bored with the programme and my SP. No offence to the organisers, but the pageant was seriously Boring!! Haha, ok, will stop being excessively mean:p Thank goodness for an awesome OG. Although we were a bit sian and unenthu at first, pool games and Sentosa really perked us up. Appreciate all the warm girls and guys who always had rubbish to contribute to conversations. Have come to notice that it's somewhat better to talk to guys about school, since they're older and more kancheong about being away from academics for 2 years. (David, I'm talking about you. bro:p)

Ok, will post up pictures when I'm done uploading them. OG outing in a coupla hours, so shall go totter about and complete my chores before then.:)

Woo, haven't loaded this page in ages! When I look at my last entry, I'm thankful that I've since grown up a lot. And of course, a whole lot has transpired since April. Stopped work at Tanglin during the June hols, slogged at Coffee Club as a waitress, studied the Bible intensively throughout, and got baptised on the 25th of June. :)

I'm slowly realising the subtle changes that are taking place in my life.(Clearly, aside from the glaring ones like, er, starting Uni!!!) Now, whenever I feel especially drained or swept away, I remind myself that my life is lived in God's glory, and that the Lord will provide me with refuge. I've learnt so many things about God, spirituality, life and love through the church, and I've noticed that whenever I pray, I'm usually thanking the Lord for all the People He has blessed me with.

The sisters and brothers are awesome and encouraging, and their friendship is of a different sort from worldly relationships. I know I can turn to them for spiritual guidance. There is a level of openness that I've not experienced thus far.(: The Campus Ministry is truly a dynamic place(:

Yes, some of the lessons are scary, and I don't agree with everything, but I'm convicted that if you are truly inclined towards God, you'll be welcomed into His arms. This may not mean worldly prosperity or a charmed life henceforth, because the Lord is more interested in making your life Holy than making it Happy. Yup, it's tough love. I always come home from service reaping a new lesson, no matter how small. Just yesterday, I came across for the first time, a verse that warns of the Lord abandoning you (Isaiah 54), this is markedly different from the usual preaching that God will never forsake you and so on. Strangely, it is somewhat comforting to know that yes indeed- do not take the Lord for granted, He will hide his face from you if you choose to turn away in the first place. But there is always the reassurance that God will warmly welcome you back should you decide to trek back in His direction.

Hm, am worried that this period of relative spiritual strength (as compared to my usual self-reliance not so long ago) will slowly erode once the hysterics of university starts. It is going to be a challenge to dutifully do Quiet Time, devote time and effort towards church and generally be Christ-like when the whole world around you seems to be zooming ahead with their own pagan speed. But I take heart that there are many others in the ministry who are at similar stages in their lives, and that through encouraging one another, we may grow in spiritual strength! (:

In other more secular matters (ahem, this is debateable since many people believe it is God's will being excercised, haha), World Cup 2006 has finally ended! The past month of fellowshipping with friends, cheering for the teams, stuffing our faces and basically reverting to primal behaviour has been awesome. That's why I love WC, even though I don't normally watch football. I'm amazed at how this event can bring people together and we temporarily indulge in ourselves.

Thanks to all mah football khakis out there who made the WC so enjoyable! Heh, late night ferrying from Macdonalds to home(Zw: I have faith in your driving even though you failed twice:p), lazing about and staying over at Ian's (feel slightly guilty for treating his place like a hotel, haha. Lan, U know we love u, man:)), the racuous crowd at church (what can I say? A bunch of campus students, free flow of caffeine and junk food plus a tight match=FUN).

Ok, it's getting late and I need to catch up on my sleep. NUS Union Camp tmr! Just know we'll have a blast, like we always do when we're together:) (er, ok, I may be in a different og, but we'll still have fun!! Heh)

The fears are too real for comfort. I hate this period of senseless waiting. It's torturous. Haven't heard from anyone yet, which must not be a very good sign.

At this point in time, I honestly feel that I can teach long-term. I've more or less settled into the environment, but everytime I think about this comfortable job, I'm forced to revaluate my chances.

Just tell me sooner. Life is still bleak.

it's hard to deal with the feeling you get when you realise your best isn't quite enough.



in the past week i've made bad calls, not thought over things well enough, reacted not-so-optimally to situations, been last-minute, been unable to focus, felt like i probably wasn't meant to do this, thought about myself as a person, thought about myself as a friend, thought about myself as a leader/worker and decided that, at least for now, i'm officially disappointed with me.



the thing that scares me is, i don't even have an optimistic phrase to put at the end of this blog that says oh you know, everything seems to be going bad and i'm upset but i know it'll be okay.



honestly, i don't.