Yesterday, I discovered that I haven’t completely abandoned that old, mean streak of competitiveness within me. Under frightfully calibrated circumstances, it continues to rear its head. The incident that elicited this sudden realization was minor, I was at the gym when a person I lack fond feelings for – let’s call him L – happened to be on the treadmill next to me. I looked at the speedometer on his treadmill – he registered a speed of 7 miles/hr. I then nonchalantly proceeded to ramp my speed up to 7.2 miles/hr. This was significantly faster than what I am normally used to, but I just wanted to prove, to him, to myself, to some invisible extension of my ego floating around or a random stranger who walked in, that I could run faster, perform better, be more well-liked, be smarter and on the whole, just live a better life than him. I don’t know how I made the mental leap from running 0.2 miles/hour faster to all these life projections.

I know, it sounds crazy and completely immature, but I realized that in some twisted way, I was pushed to really run faster in order to keep up with my silly façade. This silent battle of the egos lasted for a few more minutes before he eventually stopped and left the gym. I don’t think it was a sense of triumph I felt, but more a sense of embarrassment at having indulged in this ego feeding frenzy.
However, I will say this, in the long run, such negative forms of motivation are not sustainable, and one grows weary, almost at an exponential rate.

It absolutely takes more to be humble, to turn the other cheek, and after all these years, it is a lesson that I will have to relearn. Again and again. I’m sure the Lord has many more such lessons in store for me.