I'm constantly amazed by the sisters in church, who all seem to manage to put God number one, while I constantly struggle with the question if God alone is enough for me. It's somewhat discouraging to find out that God is indeed enough only if He is all you've got. But the optimist in me strikes back defiantly. You'll never understand that He alone is enough until you put Him first in your life. David shared this amazing advice: Christians often misunderstand that we are expected to place God above all else in our list of Life's Priorities, which is not to say that we should not do that. But the Lord is truly pleased when His name is beside each item on the list. He needs to thoroughly permeate our lives.

It's funny how I strive to be righteous (often too self-righteous for my own good-that is veering towards arrogance) but I seem to be giving in to temptation increasingly these days. Perhaps it's the fact that I'm more aware of temptation, whereas in the past, I'd dismiss them as mere fun normal teenagers enjoy. Living in hall is complicated. Communal cohabitation brings along with it so many intricacies and minor tensions. But then again, so does every single human environment. Everyday, I seem to be struggling with the same old temptations, but they present themselves to me in such enticing new forms that I almost always end up being engulfed by them anyway.

(Non-)Ownership of myself is something that I haven't quite come to terms with yet. In the past, whenever I wasted my time, whiling away in front of the TV or gossiping with friends, I'd fret about it afterwards, mentally subtracting that amount of time from the time I could have otherwise spent productively studying. There are shreds of my old behaviour left, but now there's an added layer of guilt- wasting away God's gift to me. I'm constantly trying to remind myself that while Time is God's gift to me, what I do with it is my gift to Him.

I think I may be too idealistic sometimes, and I'm thankful that I have friends who see fit to bring me down to earth. While it's fine and dandy to want to excel in all things, it's highly difficult and can be done only with divine concentration and perhaps intervention. Qing told me that one can't have the cake and eat it too, but I beg to differ. Gwen offered similar advice, but from the other side of the spectrum. I believe that God wants me to eat my cake, but according to His will; meaning I don't frantically stuff my face with confectionary (while we're still in the business of gastronomical metaphors) but that I should take my time to nibble and savour it at my own pace.

All that's left is a cold and broken Hallelujah.
I'm sure most Christians find themselves in situations like this, but there's really nothing to do except plough on with faith! And Amen to that.

Am finally posting a post from my new Fujitsu Lifebook! Haha, so exciting! Hmm, ok, just wanted to post something up like I said in the previous post. Just had SNDCC last night, where the whole Sheares Hall dresses up to eat in the common hall. Heh, was expecting cai peng, eating in that setting, where we go everyday in tank tops/singlets/T-shirts and shorts to makan, but it was nicely decorated last night to resemble a restaurant. I guess it's fun to dress up for dinner and have our dates in shirts and ties. :) I remember the lights being screened through yellow cellophane paper, which made everybody look oddly jaundiced. The chairs were so close that we barely had space to manoveure through the maze of furniture. My date Weiming was dressed very formally and looked somewhat fatherly (haha, but don't tell him that!) but we had fun yakking away though our conversation was drowned by the very enthusiastic girl next to me :p Was abandoned after dinner cos Weiming had to go prepare for his performance (doing military stunts with pink umbrellas:p) so I found myself Date No 2, haha. Cam-whored after everything and went back to my room to review the hundreds of photographs- mostly awkwards shots of the boys clowning around.

Have most settled into the routine of school now, so am hoping to maintain this equilibrium, although I foresee an avalanche of activites descending on me in the coming months. Must have faith and not lose sight of myself!

Have moved in to hall for 3 weeks now. Am lovin it(: Been busybusybusy, with little time to be quiet and write, but am curiously feeling the blood jet of poetry recently, to borrow a phrase from Plath (wow, I do miss her). Hall life has been intensive-games till midnight, followed by supper sessions till 2 am. It’s been a hassle surviving without a laptop, but thanks to wonderful neighbours who expose themselves for my exploitation, I’m scraping through(: Can’t wait to finally get Internet connection- hopefully by next week I’ll be able to write a post using my new Fujitsu Lifebook!

Just finished “The Screwtape Letters” by C.S Lewis, which is an amazingly cutting magnum opus. Indeed, good writing is like a double-edged sword, it pierces the heart and has the purposes of teaching, rebuking and disciplining. I think Lewis qualifies as such a writer-he must be happily scribbling away poetry beyond the pearly gates now. Well, it’s always inspiring to come across writings that seem so close to being God-breathed. Reading it gives me the goosebumps.

My progress in doing QT has been alright I suppose, but I feel that there’re fluctuations in the quality, heh. But it’s ok, I see God in so many small miracles every single day. Met up with Hui Xin last week, and it was extremely encouraging to see her devote herself to her ministry and still be focused on other mundane things like, oh, I don’t know, academic warfare at Cambridge. :p We had a long chat-it’s been awhile since I talked like that to someone. I miss Hwachuhumanz…

She shared an interesting analogy with me:

Imagine you were dying from an illness, and there was only ONE cure available- consumption of a special flower found on the top of the world’s most treacherous peak. I volunteered to traipse the mountain to obtain it for you. After getting the flower, I brought it to your lips. The logical progression would be for you to eat it and recover. I am not going to force it down your throat, but I want you to know that I risked my life to obtain that flower, and if you do not choose wholeheartedly, willingly to eat from my hand, you will perish. I guess this parallels the Lord’s sacrifice for us. Many (myself included) have questioned why Christianity has to be so “exclusive”. If God was so merciful, then why doesn’t He save everyone? But God gave us the freedom of choice, He wants us to be sincerely grateful, and to Choose to love Him. He took the first step by giving us His son, and it is totally up to us to reciprocate. Of course, we can choose not to, but then we will have to bear the consequences: denied entry into Heaven.

Indeed, His banner over us is love. God has already given us the maximum capacity of love, so we need not consciously rack up “good deeds” in order to gain brownie points to secure our entry to Heaven. We are merely trying to reciprocate His love for us. It seems so natural that I don’t know why I took so long (18 years!) to understand that! We will never stop sinning as long as we live, but this should not excessively worry us because our salvation can never be lost. It’s difficult to love thy neighbour as thyself, but I’ll always remember that only when you’ve finally accomplished that, will you be allowed to love yourself as much as you love others. I’m not going to make any excuses-I’m far from that ideal, and sometimes I find myself heading in the other direction, but it’s heartening to know that I have the campus ministry and so many other friends (I love you guys!) along for the journey. (:

I’ve been learning so much this past year about life, faith, spirituality, love than my whole life combined. I’m truly blessed. (:

Music: Alter Bridge-In Loving Memory

Saw this graphic print on Sera's shirt-loves it!

Just came back from union camp yesterday and church 1/2 hr ago:) The brothers were extremely sweet- they surprised us with SAD day today. Haha, it actually stands for Sister Appreciation Day. The whole campus ministry (20 plus people or so?) gathered at Ant's void deck where the brothers sang "Prince of Peace" and "LOVE" (L is for the way you look at meee...) for us and Sera teared up a bit. Then each bro presented a sis with flowers and a short testimony. And they treated us to a cake with pink icing on top, which read "SAD", We were laughing that the patissier must be weirded out my the message. Well, now that the standards are set for BAD (I'm sure you can figure out what that stands for, heh), the sisters will have to come up with something memorable.

Union camp was fun! Er, save for SP night, where I was seriously bored with the programme and my SP. No offence to the organisers, but the pageant was seriously Boring!! Haha, ok, will stop being excessively mean:p Thank goodness for an awesome OG. Although we were a bit sian and unenthu at first, pool games and Sentosa really perked us up. Appreciate all the warm girls and guys who always had rubbish to contribute to conversations. Have come to notice that it's somewhat better to talk to guys about school, since they're older and more kancheong about being away from academics for 2 years. (David, I'm talking about you. bro:p)

Ok, will post up pictures when I'm done uploading them. OG outing in a coupla hours, so shall go totter about and complete my chores before then.:)

Woo, haven't loaded this page in ages! When I look at my last entry, I'm thankful that I've since grown up a lot. And of course, a whole lot has transpired since April. Stopped work at Tanglin during the June hols, slogged at Coffee Club as a waitress, studied the Bible intensively throughout, and got baptised on the 25th of June. :)

I'm slowly realising the subtle changes that are taking place in my life.(Clearly, aside from the glaring ones like, er, starting Uni!!!) Now, whenever I feel especially drained or swept away, I remind myself that my life is lived in God's glory, and that the Lord will provide me with refuge. I've learnt so many things about God, spirituality, life and love through the church, and I've noticed that whenever I pray, I'm usually thanking the Lord for all the People He has blessed me with.

The sisters and brothers are awesome and encouraging, and their friendship is of a different sort from worldly relationships. I know I can turn to them for spiritual guidance. There is a level of openness that I've not experienced thus far.(: The Campus Ministry is truly a dynamic place(:

Yes, some of the lessons are scary, and I don't agree with everything, but I'm convicted that if you are truly inclined towards God, you'll be welcomed into His arms. This may not mean worldly prosperity or a charmed life henceforth, because the Lord is more interested in making your life Holy than making it Happy. Yup, it's tough love. I always come home from service reaping a new lesson, no matter how small. Just yesterday, I came across for the first time, a verse that warns of the Lord abandoning you (Isaiah 54), this is markedly different from the usual preaching that God will never forsake you and so on. Strangely, it is somewhat comforting to know that yes indeed- do not take the Lord for granted, He will hide his face from you if you choose to turn away in the first place. But there is always the reassurance that God will warmly welcome you back should you decide to trek back in His direction.

Hm, am worried that this period of relative spiritual strength (as compared to my usual self-reliance not so long ago) will slowly erode once the hysterics of university starts. It is going to be a challenge to dutifully do Quiet Time, devote time and effort towards church and generally be Christ-like when the whole world around you seems to be zooming ahead with their own pagan speed. But I take heart that there are many others in the ministry who are at similar stages in their lives, and that through encouraging one another, we may grow in spiritual strength! (:

In other more secular matters (ahem, this is debateable since many people believe it is God's will being excercised, haha), World Cup 2006 has finally ended! The past month of fellowshipping with friends, cheering for the teams, stuffing our faces and basically reverting to primal behaviour has been awesome. That's why I love WC, even though I don't normally watch football. I'm amazed at how this event can bring people together and we temporarily indulge in ourselves.

Thanks to all mah football khakis out there who made the WC so enjoyable! Heh, late night ferrying from Macdonalds to home(Zw: I have faith in your driving even though you failed twice:p), lazing about and staying over at Ian's (feel slightly guilty for treating his place like a hotel, haha. Lan, U know we love u, man:)), the racuous crowd at church (what can I say? A bunch of campus students, free flow of caffeine and junk food plus a tight match=FUN).

Ok, it's getting late and I need to catch up on my sleep. NUS Union Camp tmr! Just know we'll have a blast, like we always do when we're together:) (er, ok, I may be in a different og, but we'll still have fun!! Heh)

The fears are too real for comfort. I hate this period of senseless waiting. It's torturous. Haven't heard from anyone yet, which must not be a very good sign.

At this point in time, I honestly feel that I can teach long-term. I've more or less settled into the environment, but everytime I think about this comfortable job, I'm forced to revaluate my chances.

Just tell me sooner. Life is still bleak.

it's hard to deal with the feeling you get when you realise your best isn't quite enough.



in the past week i've made bad calls, not thought over things well enough, reacted not-so-optimally to situations, been last-minute, been unable to focus, felt like i probably wasn't meant to do this, thought about myself as a person, thought about myself as a friend, thought about myself as a leader/worker and decided that, at least for now, i'm officially disappointed with me.



the thing that scares me is, i don't even have an optimistic phrase to put at the end of this blog that says oh you know, everything seems to be going bad and i'm upset but i know it'll be okay.



honestly, i don't.

Spent a nice, quiet day at home reading and caring for Bibs. The poor dearie got attacked by Tyson earlier in the week and had to be rushed to the vet's. Wounds are looking alot better, as compared to the two ghastly fang holes he had earlier. Ok, will not gross people out with descriptions of the pus. Anyway, Bibs will be duly entitled to the TLC he deservers. (:

Am planning to do something I haven't done in a loooong time -- go to church. Yes, my collegues have finally succeeded in dragging me off to their Punggolian congregation -- on Easter Sunday nonetheless! Will go with an open mind. (:

Uni stuff is trickling in slowly, and the wait is long and ardous. Feel like I'm back in December, all anxious and jittery. It's still kinda painful to read about how S is torn between Cambridge and Yale on her blog, but she really deserves her results, and even though I don't know her well, I'm happy for her.

Been thinking alot lately about future career paths (surprise, surprise). I don't really want to career jump too much, so the choice I make now is probably going to last a lifetime (sounds like I'm choosing a mate, eh?). But I'm not really in a position to choose now, am I.

In other news, The Sister's secret love affair thing is kinda cute, cos she takes care not to let anyone know about it, but there're always little tell-tale signs. (Ok, fine, maybe some need a little investigative probing...BUT I haven't told on her to The Parents...yet. Haha, I'm evil.) Well, she did leave her neoprints lying about... :p

Arrr, used to be unable to stand anything cutesy. Oh no, I'm turning to jell-o.

gahh... tests were atrocious. the math portion was amazingly difficult-no calculators allowed! reminded me of the d math paper one in secondary school. sigh, didn't even complete some questions, which is highly embarrassing, because i saw that the candidates around me had completed ahead of time. the moe one today had about 400 people (this is not an exaggeration) squeezed into an auditorium. which means that there are probably 1000 (since they conduct a number of sittings) people ALL applying for it. O M G.

Personality Test

Qn 1: Do you find yourself feeling inferior to others?

A Seldom
B Occasionally
C Frequently

Qn 2: Do you find it difficult to pluck yourself out of self-pitying moods?
A Yes
B Not Sure
C No

Oh dear.

bloody tests. pattern observation is Not my thing. am having a headache from looking at all the online practice tests, and attempted to print out some. but aborted plan when i found out i needed 53 pages. and yes, one more time with feeling- some students need to Die.

ahem, ok, maybe that wasn't so appropriate seeing how i'm applying to teach. owell, uni apps are all over and done with. except that i haven't mailed smu my cheque yet. oops, hope it's not too late. and i haven't gotten a teacher's reference for ntu. i think that's optional. gahh. life is back to being bleak.

March hols are here! but still have to do work--> setting mid-yr exams. don't think i'm gonna get paid for doing ot though. owell, will hopefully be able to get my ass down to finishing up all the essays i have to submit (boo) and finish reading all the books i have lying around (i'm horrible like that). all's ok i guess. one year ago, if you told me i had to remain in sg, i would probably whine and moan, but now, i'm genuinely ok with that fact. just hope that i'll accept whatever comes my way with an open heart.(: ok i'm off to craft crafty MCQs, heh

I'm going to start my crazy-assed militant training programme tomorrow. This requires the stripping of individual identity to form a cohesive whole contingent. I shall address the students by reg nos, and they will address me as "Miss Ooi Please" (Yes I have included "Please" as part of my name.) or "Mdm". I will not respond to anything else. Especially not "cher" or "oy". Corporal Punishment will be included in the regime, and this includes standing on the table and spinning according to the ceiling fan's motions. Miss Ooi (my new Christian name "Please" has been omitted for the sake of proper syntax and sane English) will periodically change the speed of the fan (we have moronic slowness suited for the -ahem- heavier ones. (Yes political correctness aka common courtesy is also encouraged in this new regime. I shall set the example.) We also have maniacal spinning when Miss Ooi is in a groovy mood and turns the knob to the max. And by groovy I mean Krakatoan explosion)

Male students are prohibited from standing less than one arm's length to Miss Ooi, unless I make the first move towards you (note the subtle switch of pronouns. Muahaha, this is part of my psychological warfare strategy which will break down even the nastiest bastard.)

Targets:

3E2: Aaron, Weijun, Teck Cheong (unless he crosses over to the Light ie Miss Ooi's side--Darkness must not, it must never(!) triumph)

3E3: Andrew, Chipong, Chuan wei, Terence. The whole schoolboy crush has long worn thin and I have to restrain myself from literally strangling them. To curb these murderous thoughts, I have taken to reading "Siddhartha", but sadly, I have yet to relinquish my worldly violent tendencies and desires to amputate certain teenaged beings.

Behold the new militant bitch in town. Bring it on, man.

came back from a nice meal with some of the ns guys who were not struck with tekong flu, so yayy to white blood cells and uh various bodily things that protect teenage boys from nasty viruses(:
yabbered the whole afternoon away in breeks with the 15ers, and i miss the guys with all their corny jokes. everyone needs people like junyong and ian in their lives to hammer.

steamboat at shuki's house last night was nice and cosy with just the few of us. heh, felt a tad guilty cos we left all the washing up to her parents, plus, they had to wait for us to finish before they could eat:x but i'm proud to announce that i was the only polite guest who brought stuff over. the rest just shamelessly sponged off. plan to play mahjong failed miserably cos we got carried away with the yabbering. and we left at the rather sad time of 10 since most of us had to work the next day. talked about some pretty sobering stuff last night, but the future has always been bleak and very sobering, so yes, that's that- deal with it.
the whole "we're at the crossroads where we have to make life changing decisions" thing does not get easier the more you talk about it. in fact the enormity increases every single time you think about it. hurhur, it's always at the back of our minds.

it's times like these that i wish for some religious rooting to fall back on. zing said that living for yourself is just not worth it. initially, i disagreed, but i think i've come to see her perspective. anyway, i think i need some alone time- not the watch tv alone type, but some serious quiet time. i haven't been doing that in a looong time.

Oh man, I never thought a bunch of 15 year olds could make me so frustrated. I really appreciate crescentian discipline now that I'm at Tanglin. The sec 3 syllabus is in a total mess. The two classes are having such serious discipline problems that I'm actually panicking at the speed we are going, seeing that I spend most of the time yelling at them. We are NEVER going to finish in time for the test, haha-next week. This would all be terribly funny if it wasn't happening to me. The sec 2s are angels compared to those insufferable attitude giving pubescent twits. Gar. Ok, must stop muttering under my breath in class cos they can hear me and it would hurt their feelingsyadayadayada. Anyway, the point is, what happened to the good old days of yore when sec 3 students actually paid attention?!?! Ive stopped nagging at them and allowed some to do as they like, which is not doing any good for the rest who want to learn. Ohdear, I'm beginning to sound like one of those bitter spinster teachers who nag all day long and are the most unpopular creatures in school. Ok, we'll see how my killer test goes, maybe that'll wake them up.

Went back to beloved Hwachu yesterday(: the songs always give me goosebumps. sigh, i <3 Hwachu. pity i missed the fire display and glam fac heads cos I almost cancelled going in favour of watching Lovers in Paris :x heh, i know,iknow, it's pretty pathetic right? haha, but whatever la. it's my first korean drama!(: omg, they are SO addictive. much better than whatever ch8 spews. went to makan at adams after the campfire! and felt slightly better cos i just read a new study proclaiming that it's not how late you eat, but WHAT you eat that matters. Uhh, i'm still trying to figure how much of that was a breakthrough :x

Anyway, in other updates: my teaching job is....uh kinda fun. I mean i'm not hollering in ecstasy or anything, but yeah, it's fine. The students can get a little rowdy at times. Case in point: I was relief teaching with Mrs C during home ec and both of us were in chare of 2 normal sec 3 classes put in the same room. the guys simply were not in the least bit interested in completing a complex mindmap on Veggies (no kiddingman) so they were basically making alot of noise and playing online games when they should have been researching on the methods of cooking,storage and nutritional value of Vegetables. I sorta understand the reluctance of 15 yr old gangster-types being repulsed by such topics. ("cher!!!zhu se mo zhu?!?!dunno larrr.you so clever you help me do everything lahhh" To which i actually burst out laughing, which, on hindsight might be just slightly inappropriate given that Mrs C was fuming just behind me:x) But these guys do have a sweet side. Was travelling on the bus in the morning when i saw Leo (one of the aforementioned anti-veggie guys) swaggering up the bus. Then i saw that he was holding his little brother's (pri3?) hand on the moving bus, and sort of shoving him into the inner seat so he won't fall onto the aisle. The coarse affection really brought an all round aww feeling, which was definitely a nice respite from the usual gar-i-want-to-strangle-you-so-shut-up thoughts.

Am now online trying to look for interesting geogy pictures, and am complating whether to show them Han's geog porn collection, which is really amusing. But am worried about whether the content is too explicit. Um, actually it's nothing much la, just a couple of phallic looking landforms and provocative patches of grass. yeah, you get my drift. otherwise i guess i'll just have to settle for scenic looking farms. (We're on Arable Land now:))

ok, off to look for PG geog pics now...

New musical find: Arcade Fire:)))

Last night's countdown at Esplanade was possibly the saddest countdown I've ever attended. But in a good way, haha. It was beyond crowded and everyone was quite literally pasted to each other. eeks. Did not even manage the traditional 54321 countdown since we were too far away from the main action to hear the countdown, so by the time we realised it was time, well, it was past time.:X oh well, but the fireworks were amazing-10 glorious minutes, albeit hampered by badly positioned trees. Arrr, could only catch glimpses of the pyrotechnics through the leaves, which might sound vaguely poetic now, but, trust me, is immensely frustrating. gar.

But met nice new ppl!I think their names were Wesley and April. Sher and Qing's collegues from Hellish Hanabi (alliteration!heh). Had fun lounging in Hagan Dazz at 12.30 am.(:

2005 has been an intense year, and I'm glad it's over. Hope 2006 turns out great(: Good luck to all of us. Show me the moneyy!!! I'm sure I'll have lots to blog about later on when my pupils (who might very well be older than I am-!!!) start giving me brain aneurysms and heart burn. gar. Plus all the begging for money from various Orgs. gar. BUT! Our True Warrior (haha, I'm never gonna hear the end of this, but gimme a break, I was 13 and into Tamara Pierce:p) will remain optimistic and doggedly persistent. Pugnacity is puggalicious. ok, ok, enough with the canine allusions.

I guess what I want to say is Happy New Year Everyone!

The club that became St. Catherine's Society took its name from its original meeting place, St Catharine's Hall, a house in Broad Street now forming part of Hertford College. However the connection with the saint is is appropriate for a college founded on an ethos of high academic standards combined with a doggedly independent streak.

Catherine was one of many women carried off from Alexandria by the Emperor Maxentius in 305. Maxentius brought fifty philosophers to convince her that her belief in Christianity was foolish but Catherine had studied in depth, and although aged only eighteen, confounded the arguments of the philosophers and ended up converting them. Maxentius had the philosophers put to death and Catherine imprisoned. However, when the Emperor's wife was also converted after visiting Catherine in prison, the Emperor decided that she had to die. A wheel set with razors was constructed and Catherine was tied to its rim, but instead of cutting her to pieces, the wheel broke and some of its splinters and razors injured the onlookers. Finally Catherine was beheaded.

The College celebrates its patron saint each year with a special Catz Night dinner, attended by junior and senior members of the College, at the end of which a giant Catherine wheel is lit in the quad.

Oh boy.