In the midst of a flurry of camps. Had Business FOC and Campus retreat back to back, and now Rag camp in 2 days.

Am physically very tired, but also feeling like I'm in a good place in my life now. Just celebrated my first spiritual birthday. Woot! Can't believe that it's been a year. I'd like to think that I've changed alot - for the better of course. But I know that I still struggle with the same insecurities, the same sins at times. But nevertheless, am truly grateful for the disciples that have come into my life to help me grow. Indeed, God works through people, otherwise, how can you expect to "see God"? He's obviously not going to send a bolt of lightning or a burning bush or part the clouds to talk to you.

It is through His children that you see Him, and I'm blessed with an awesome bunch of brothers and sisters in the kingdom.

I am also very thankful for old friends like Qing, Sherry and Sen. Our friendship stretches back to literally one third of my life. (!!!) I love you guys and I love the way I can be myself around you all:) Qing is going to faint, but it is really my hope that you all can get to know God - trust me, He's a pretty awesome chap.

And even though we're not that close, I'm thankful for NUS Bizaders whom I hang out with. We may have very different personalities, but I am always surrounded with laughter. Bizad Club rules!

And of course, Hall mates whom I share my living space and consequently, my life with. You girls are the best neighbours ever, and you all are the reason I love Sheares Hall. :)

And my family, even through all the squabbles and annoyances, I love you all loads. (The feeling is mutual,right? Right??? :p)Although I definitely think we can handle our relationships alot better, it's a family that, for all its dysfunctional quirks, will stick together.

I'm looking forward to the starting of school. Just being immersed in the hectic schedule of academic work, CCAs, and balancing everything with being a disciple. I know that I need to rely more on faith, and not be so "geng" (as Van would say..) Opportunities abound, and I hope that I will make use of all that God has blessed me with, but also really to remember that there are somethings that I can control (which I should give my best to) and somethings that I can't (that is His territory). Like what Jesus says, each day has enough troubles of its own, so why worry about tomorrow?

Truly, when my spiritual life is doing good, everything else seems to fall in place.
Now to back my words and faith with deeds. :)

I'm finally home.



Here are some of the lovely people I spent my time with.


Some of the guys with our ever cool professor Dan on the left.
The crazy place that is Hollywood.


The Grand Canyon. It's more beautiful than it looks.


Trekking across the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco and almost getting my face blown off by the wind.

More photos coming up when I've gotten all of them in order:)

Arrived at LA today, it's not as glamorous as I envisioned it to be, it’s actually kinda run down in some places, and like most of America, is starkly divided between the haves and the have nots. I’m staying in a hostel that’s opposite the Kodak Theatre where the Oscars are held every year, so I suppose that’s quite exciting in terms of being in the middle of town and everything.

Almost everything here has got to do with the world of entertainment, from Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Odditorium (hurhur) to Hollywood Wax Museum, History Museum, and the pavements lined with red stars to commemorate the careers of Hollywood greats, and of course, the souvenirs – the cutest of which are mini Oscar statues congratulating their receivers for being the best Mother/Son/Teacher etc.

There are just sooo many different people here!! For example, on the way home, there was a group of extremely rowdy teenage girls who were possibly prostitutes. They were swearing their mouths off and the whole train just kinda turned around to look at them, but after that, the other passengers just acted as if this were a normal occurrence.

Then outside our hostel. There’s this group of people who are Jesus lovers, so they’d be screaming with loudhailers “Give me a J!!!!...E…S…U…S!!!!!!!!!” What do you get?!?!? Jesus!!!!!!!!!!!”

And I happened to walk past the loudhailer just as they leader was starting the cheer, so my ears were ringing for a bit. I haven’t actually resolved what I felt about that, because on on hand, I think it’s admirable that they are proclaiming their love for Christ in such a public manner, but on the other hand, it just seems kinda in your face and all that….Hm, these are possibly the same mixed feelings I get towards street evangelism….

Along those lines, I find myself getting more impatient, bad-tempered and worst, of all, more judgemental about others. Take for example those teenage girls on the train, basking in their overt sexuality. Or H, with her whining. Or a myriad of other little pet peeves that bother me.

But the thing is, they don’t deserved to be judged like that by me, because God knows I have much worse thoughts and I haven’t been exemplary in my behaviour either. I didn’t manange to get in touch with the LA disiples, so of course I’m disappointed by that – was looking so forward to visiting the LA church.

Ok, 3 smokers have sat across me and I’ve been inhaling 2nd hand smoke for the past half hour -_-‘’

Off to bedroom bow:)

I'm falling asleep in the Green Library in Stanford right now - just so tired!!
But I know there's work to be done, so I'm blogging for a while to sufficientlty wake my brain up in preparation of research.

Well, came back to Palo Alto from Berkeley yesterday, and upon our return, we visited the Opportunities Industrialization Center West (OICW). The people there are deeply passsionate about the work that they do to benefit the East Palo Alto (EPA) community, with many of them having grown up in EPA themselves.

EPA is what I suppose someone would call a "ghetto", except that it has evolved from a majority Black community in the 1970s - 80s to the current majority Hispanic-Latino community. Most of the families there don't have a father figure because so many of the males are incarcerated and are absentee fathers.

Youths don't really seem to be motivated to invest in their own education, probably fuelled by Hollywood-style fairy tales of striking it rich by rapping or making it into the NBA. As Ms Chache (pronounced "Shashay") (I LOVE this woman!!!) "They think they got a bit of bling on their necks and they all that."

The parent(s) also tends to feel guilty and splurges on designer gear for the kids when the money could have otherwise gone into something more constructuve like buying books or their kids' college fun. Another Chache quote ("They got them $75 Nikes for them baby feet. I ain't gonna dress up my daughter in designer while I look like a ragdoll.")

Anyway, we had a really long discussion with Chache with what can be done to help the community, and she wrapped up by reading us one of the poems - entitled "I belive in Love". Kalamu Chache, I want to remember that woman.

We met so many fascinating characters here that I think the way I view people now has irrevocanbly altered. People here may not be especially religious, but they are doing so much good and they have so much passion for their work.

Some people I don't want to forget:
Lauren- effervescent Stanford girl. wrote on the 4-million smiles campaign
Ami and Paul - Viet-American girl and her WASP boyfriend who provided a blanket when it was freezing during Macbeth out in the open, sent us back to Comfort Inn, talked and shared with us their experiences and perspectives on American multi-culturalism. Ami wrote about the foreign maids in SG. Paul works in Google.
Bernard- smart gentleman. wrote paper on the political corruptness of the Singaporean judiciary system.
Prakash- viny's friend who works at Google as A GUI designer. Loves his job. We got a free smoothie courtesy of Google, who feeds all its employess for FREE.
Jamie-NY native who came to Berkeley to study cos the weather here rocks :P He brought us mountain climbing. The view up at the peak was AMAZING. Almost the entire San Francisco Bay Area was visible.
ACES group - a group of students interested in business. Had donuts and milk during the meeting. Taiwanese guy drove us back, but Vinod saw a Jack in the Box sign and an alarm went off in his head, so we ended up walking in the cold for 40 mins.

Ok, time to do research, will recount my experiences soon!!

*visit to Oakland, trying to find a church, visiting 9 churches, attending services, lunch with Dan and the guys, shopping, murals, People's park, tree huggers, zen, love, esoteric profressors, Macbeth, Memorial Church, meeting Singaporeans in Stanford and Berkeley....

Just finished the dreaded IT1801 paper. Gahhh. Well, at least it's finally over and done with. One more Statistics paper and I'll be done with my Freshman year. (!!!!)

Before you know it, I'll be graduating and working and getting married and giving birth and and becoming a grandparent and retiring.

Do you sometimes feel life is too short, yet too long - all at once?

*Update*

Tons of things to do after the exams, and I don't mean general goals of lying in bed watching TV, (though that is definitely on the list) but I mean things to be done with immediate emergency, like pack up all my stuff to move out of my lovely A316, unpack everything in new home in Lakeside (haven't even seen the place), finish up draft for Rag, delegate work so I don't get murdered by Pehsident, spend time with family, then pack everything and leave for the airport. All to be done within TWO days.

Ok, if you guys want anything specific from LA/San Fran, send me your list, heh.

"You will keep in perfect peace, him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You" Isa 26:3

Thanks Hui Xian for the reminder(:

Wee Keong, sharing about his wife, Joyce during her birthday celebration:

Mushy Quote No 1:

"I always say, if I did not marry her, I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing now." (serving as an awesome leader in church!)

Even Mushier Quote No 2:
"I always ask my wife, "Are you an Angel?", Scarly on the deathbed reveal to me that she's not human, but an angel."

My goodness, can't believe that these 2 have been married for more than TEN years and each day they grow more in love with one another. It's amazing what a relationship built on the foundations of Christ can mature into.

Heh, I know it's way too early to even start thinking about it, but hopefully my marriage will be one filled with as much joy and love as theirs.

Uh, ok, feel abit funny for having that thought because I am right smack in the middle of EXAMS.

Gah, for now, my only love interest shall be Berenson the Amazing Statistician :) (3rd Edition, 2005)

Whee. Caught in the middle of a full on essay crisis. Funny, it's been a while since I had one. (I'm definitely not saying that I miss it though!) I'm currently totally blank about what to write to fill up the 3 pages, but I refuse to go all existential and uh, basically crazy.

Was up till almost 4 am last night wringing my brains out, it's really terrible to have to be bothered with this essay during reading week, but I guess I have no one to blame but myself. Was dozing off when I received a call from Qing. Although I was half concussed, and not making any sense over the phone, I thought it was sweet:) Someone's awake at this unearthly hour and bothers to call to tell me to switch off the lights, heh.

So, what do people generally think of Transnational Flows and Social Diversity in Singapore?
;)

Isn't it absolutely thrilling how I only blog during pre-exam periods? I swear the very feeling of refusal to do ANY sort of productive academic-related work will drive me to indulge in all sorts of nonsensical things.

I've got to admit that blog-surfing must be the no 1 time-wasting activity that I frequently indulge in. And I hardly even know some of these people!-_-''

Well, in some attempt to justify myself, I suppose it's a good way of keeping up with friends( albeit a bit too one-sided and stalkerish for my liking) you don't see that often.

In other news, I've decided to extend my trip to the US by one week and just take some time to travel around the area. Will be traveling with a couple of other strangers, so hurrah for my bravery and edgy spontaneity! So far, nothing is planned, but I've engaged Ant to do a spot of itinerary planning for me, so I won't be totally clueless when I get there. Am hoping to be able to link up with disciples from either the LA church or the Bay Area church. Who knows? Maybe I won't have to worry so much about accommodation, heh ;p

Had a really intense bible study with one of my oldest friends yesterday. I was feeling alot, but I didn't know how to encourage her or put my thoughts into words, and I'm especially afraid that I'll say the wrong thing and shoot myself in the foot. Dear: I just want to let you know that J, V and I will be here for you! Please don't turn us away.

I'm really thankful for the disciplers that I've had, and I know that at times, I haven't been appreciative enough of them, taking them for granted. And in doing so, taking God for granted because it was He who put these wonderful people in my life. I think being focused on God will help me keep away all other distractions.

Whoa, I actually think I managed to motivate myself a little after blogging!
Thank you blog for allowing me a space to reflect and refocus!

"Never allow anything to divert you from your insight into Christ. It is the true test of spirituality. To be unspiritual means that other things have a growing fascination for you"-Oswald Chambers

Pray that I'll always remember that.

Whee! Am excited. Will be flying off from 7 May to 20 May to Stanford for the Summer Programme. Promise to blog more about it soon(: In the meantime, study hard for the exams! My favourite examination-related verse:

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Heb 12:1


And this made me cry yesterday-



Amen.

Oh man, this is classic, Alanis Morrisette is a genius.

Am mourning the loss of semblance of normal appearance. Hair is asymmetrical from all angles and fringe is a sharply defined staircase across my forehead. Sides are in the shape of a jagged bowl. The look is "village-idiot decides to go glam". Vaguely traumatized.

Photoshoot was relatively fun in the beginning, was feeling pampered having 6 people attending to me. Then all the hoity toity glee disappeared two hours into the process. I spent (no kidding) nine hours in the salon inhaling ammonia and having my face painted into a "chocolate tone".

What I initially thought was a simple shoot with me smiling into the camera for 30 mins max turned into a marathon photoshoot. They were aiming to have my skin colour and hair colour match. Goodness, we even shot a couple of poses against a similarly coloured wall, and I seriously blended into the brown wall.

Now have to contend with browless state cos they lasy shaved off half my brows. Will have to rely on brow pencil for the next couple of weeks. Amazing invention, the brow pencil.

Henceforth stops my experimentation with avant garde hairstyles.

In my room at 1 am, we're going crazy over our stats project, Joyce has her laptop on, well, her lap-

Ron: eh, put the laptop on the table lahh
Joyce: it's ok, i got no sperm.

-_-''

Culinary Science

I have never professed to be much of a cook, although I love to perceive myself as a connoisseur of sorts. The portentous descriptions of taste, with a vocabulary ballooning beyond the basic parameters of sweet, bitter, sour, and spicy (did I miss out anything?).

There is a dichotomous mix of admiration and scorn for those obscure food critics who abstrusely gush about the "full-bodiedness" and" intangible savoury flavours" of the food at hand. (granted the ability to Taste treads the strange line between the tangible and the intangible- it’s like love, really, but that’s best left for another time.)

Seasoning is never an exact science, each slab of fillet intrinsically different, each grain in a pinch of salt reacting differently with one another. Does one grain more or less really make a difference? This is different from the hard sciences like Physics, where one atom and another atom, under the same conditions, always produces the same results. You may argue that it is the same for food, but 2 slabs of fillets cooked under the same conditions are not the same to different people. Heck, the same fillet shared between 2 persons do not even illicit the same reactions. But on the other hand, a molecule of water is a molecule of water(is a molecule of water).

I wonder how people in the past used to cook, harking back to an era without calibrated weighing machines, thermostat ovens and all the Philip Starck designed kitchen appliances. Imagine – tender mammoth meat cooked by a cave man, compared to steak from Morton’s, that esteemed culinary institution. There is a curious revival of returning to basic methods of food preparation. Using coal ovens to bake pizza, prehistoric grills to cook meat- this manufactured primitivism has become a highly modern phenomenon in itself.

I would love to meet one of those people who proclaim that the food “talks” to them, one of those elusive food seers who draw prophecies from a plate of omelette. (Tea leaves are so last century.)

Perhaps that ability exists in some degree in all of us. An oily plate of Hokkien Mee from the hawker auntie who watched you grow up, pig innards stew painstakingly boiled by your grandmother because you have an exam tomorrow, and who can forget the ubiquitous black chicken with dang gui, that rancid concoction for bleeding girls – these speak to us in their own inimitable language, very often divine proclamations of love.

And on some days, I can taste God in a bowl of chicken soup.

Mid terms have been over for a while now, so it has been jolly and relatively peaceful the last couple of days. I love the routine of getting up, doing quiet time while eating breakfast (tea is my new addiction), reading the papers and catching up on my work in general.

Have been reading "My Utmost for My Highest" by Oswald Chambers for QT, and I have to say that it gets better everyday. Every single entry somehow seems to address whatever particular issue I'm going through. (So who says one needs to witness a burning bush or some other equally bizarre phenomenon to know that God works in our lives?)

In other reading material-related news, I have taken up "The End of Economic Man" by Brockway, which reminds me of Barnard and all his dry Brit ramblings. I miss his sense of humor. I have come to realize that I judge people heavily by their sense of humor, more specifically whether we are on the same wavelength. But I suppose friendships need to be based on more than our proclivity to laugh at the same jokes.
Anyway, this is one of my favourite shots of the campus ministry at Mari's place during the CNY cross-island house visiting extravaganza. We all look gloriously happy :)

Woot!

We celebrated dear Vanessa's birthday yesterday. The whole campus gathered at Raffles Hotel for an awesome time of fellowship. Heh, the sisters managed to squeeze a few tears from our august leader after all the sharing. Anyway, I'm really thankful to have her as a small group leader, where I can feel like I can tell her anything, and she'll be there to lend a listening ear. She really loves the ministry and everyone in it, even though we may not be all that lovable at times. (yeahyeah, self-admittedly).

Anyway, had a packed day today, had a great time visiting the cousins. Karen is getting bigger by the day, and I'm so excited about the new baby (potentially a nephew. wheeee!) It was nice just to spend time with the extended family, talking about nothing in particular, catching up with one another. Hm, I really do want to hang out with the cousins more, since they're mostly working and can afford the time, I suppose it 's up to me to take the initiative. I promise to make time for them during the break. (Heh, I kinda have my activities planned out: to the roads of Singapore, look out!)

Ok, been trying to stay on top of my work, which has been going on the way I suppose one expects work to go. I've forgotten the feeling of intense mugging, but oh well.

I've been thinking of a new blog name, and I contemplated "riversidegirl", just to "gek" (there really is no proper English word for this!!) Marilyn the lakesidegirl, except that there's no river nearby and I don't live close to any romantically scenic water bodies, save the Sheares Hall pond. :X heh.

Rationality and Religion

"I have converted to Life. I see his god in the millionth position of pi, in the arguments of Phraedrus, in a perfect paradox. But that is not enough for Millat"

-Magid, White Teeth, Zadie Smith

We're still in the middle of LNY (ahaha, the anal retentive side of me refuses to call it CNY.:p) and the visiting has dwindled down to a trickle. But I'm still looking forward to this Sunday's visits to John and Wee Keong's houses.

The week has flown past and I always catch myself doodling away my time, filling up my schedule with loads of activities, not all productive, but mostly enjoyable, heh.

It has come to my neighbour's attention, my somewhat irrational addiction to mediocre entertainment. I loooove watching TV, even when I obviously cannot stand what is being played on screen! I'd continue merely for some perverse need to have the screen flashing with moving images. Hmm, perhaps if motion is all I need, it would be better to tune in to some esteemed channel like BBC or CNA, so at least some of the useful information gets filtered to my brain. Anyway, I resolve to listen to MJ's nagging and wean myself off this addiction in time for the exams. I notice that I tend to replace one sin with another. It's like "Amen, I no longer smoke!! I've moved on to marijuana instead" -_-''

Am psyching myself up for the Bibletalk later, which will be the first that I'll be leading (and very hopefully not the last:p). Hm, I suppose it's like a usual sharing, except we have more friends over.

Someone is playing Hindi music at top blast, I think it's from upstairs. Just so happens that I'm currently reading "White Teeth" by Zadie Smith, which leads me feeling all Indian-ish. Think I'll have prata for dinner later.

I think I shall keep up with the blogging more consistently now, so that my writing abilities don't completely die out on me:) Anyway, it's nice to have an outlet to type out random thoughts and indulge in whimsical digressions every once in a while. As Mari would put it - Random White
Noise. Enjoy the fuzzzzzz.

Well, when one has exhausted all the options presented by blog surfing, one pathetically turns to updating one's own blog.

Life has been alot more complicated since I became a Christian, I have to worry about being righteous, denying myself, being sensitive to emotional sisters, being more self-controlled and minding my propriety with brothers. But all has been good, and I'm thankful for these people in my life.

It's quite scary how much my faith is based on my fellowship with the brothers and sisters, whether it's them encouraging me, keeping me accountable or just plain having fun. I think I need to learn to strengthen my personal walk with God.

Moved back in hall a couple of days back, and I have to say that I've missed this place and all the independence it gives. I do need some time away from the family- I think it actually helps our relationship that I'm not there to irritate each other.

The neighbours have been the same old raucous bunch and I've missed the 7 Lolitas of Block A.

Ok, seem to be suffering from a mild case of sore eyes, so am going to bed early.

PS The familiar stench from a dubious girl on our level is back:(

Hello 2007:)

I've done up my list of resolutions, my most thought out and seriously considered list ever. Hope to be kept accountable by all the sisters, especially those in my small group. Looking forward to an awesome semester!

I'm constantly amazed by the sisters in church, who all seem to manage to put God number one, while I constantly struggle with the question if God alone is enough for me. It's somewhat discouraging to find out that God is indeed enough only if He is all you've got. But the optimist in me strikes back defiantly. You'll never understand that He alone is enough until you put Him first in your life. David shared this amazing advice: Christians often misunderstand that we are expected to place God above all else in our list of Life's Priorities, which is not to say that we should not do that. But the Lord is truly pleased when His name is beside each item on the list. He needs to thoroughly permeate our lives.

It's funny how I strive to be righteous (often too self-righteous for my own good-that is veering towards arrogance) but I seem to be giving in to temptation increasingly these days. Perhaps it's the fact that I'm more aware of temptation, whereas in the past, I'd dismiss them as mere fun normal teenagers enjoy. Living in hall is complicated. Communal cohabitation brings along with it so many intricacies and minor tensions. But then again, so does every single human environment. Everyday, I seem to be struggling with the same old temptations, but they present themselves to me in such enticing new forms that I almost always end up being engulfed by them anyway.

(Non-)Ownership of myself is something that I haven't quite come to terms with yet. In the past, whenever I wasted my time, whiling away in front of the TV or gossiping with friends, I'd fret about it afterwards, mentally subtracting that amount of time from the time I could have otherwise spent productively studying. There are shreds of my old behaviour left, but now there's an added layer of guilt- wasting away God's gift to me. I'm constantly trying to remind myself that while Time is God's gift to me, what I do with it is my gift to Him.

I think I may be too idealistic sometimes, and I'm thankful that I have friends who see fit to bring me down to earth. While it's fine and dandy to want to excel in all things, it's highly difficult and can be done only with divine concentration and perhaps intervention. Qing told me that one can't have the cake and eat it too, but I beg to differ. Gwen offered similar advice, but from the other side of the spectrum. I believe that God wants me to eat my cake, but according to His will; meaning I don't frantically stuff my face with confectionary (while we're still in the business of gastronomical metaphors) but that I should take my time to nibble and savour it at my own pace.

All that's left is a cold and broken Hallelujah.
I'm sure most Christians find themselves in situations like this, but there's really nothing to do except plough on with faith! And Amen to that.

Am finally posting a post from my new Fujitsu Lifebook! Haha, so exciting! Hmm, ok, just wanted to post something up like I said in the previous post. Just had SNDCC last night, where the whole Sheares Hall dresses up to eat in the common hall. Heh, was expecting cai peng, eating in that setting, where we go everyday in tank tops/singlets/T-shirts and shorts to makan, but it was nicely decorated last night to resemble a restaurant. I guess it's fun to dress up for dinner and have our dates in shirts and ties. :) I remember the lights being screened through yellow cellophane paper, which made everybody look oddly jaundiced. The chairs were so close that we barely had space to manoveure through the maze of furniture. My date Weiming was dressed very formally and looked somewhat fatherly (haha, but don't tell him that!) but we had fun yakking away though our conversation was drowned by the very enthusiastic girl next to me :p Was abandoned after dinner cos Weiming had to go prepare for his performance (doing military stunts with pink umbrellas:p) so I found myself Date No 2, haha. Cam-whored after everything and went back to my room to review the hundreds of photographs- mostly awkwards shots of the boys clowning around.

Have most settled into the routine of school now, so am hoping to maintain this equilibrium, although I foresee an avalanche of activites descending on me in the coming months. Must have faith and not lose sight of myself!

Have moved in to hall for 3 weeks now. Am lovin it(: Been busybusybusy, with little time to be quiet and write, but am curiously feeling the blood jet of poetry recently, to borrow a phrase from Plath (wow, I do miss her). Hall life has been intensive-games till midnight, followed by supper sessions till 2 am. It’s been a hassle surviving without a laptop, but thanks to wonderful neighbours who expose themselves for my exploitation, I’m scraping through(: Can’t wait to finally get Internet connection- hopefully by next week I’ll be able to write a post using my new Fujitsu Lifebook!

Just finished “The Screwtape Letters” by C.S Lewis, which is an amazingly cutting magnum opus. Indeed, good writing is like a double-edged sword, it pierces the heart and has the purposes of teaching, rebuking and disciplining. I think Lewis qualifies as such a writer-he must be happily scribbling away poetry beyond the pearly gates now. Well, it’s always inspiring to come across writings that seem so close to being God-breathed. Reading it gives me the goosebumps.

My progress in doing QT has been alright I suppose, but I feel that there’re fluctuations in the quality, heh. But it’s ok, I see God in so many small miracles every single day. Met up with Hui Xin last week, and it was extremely encouraging to see her devote herself to her ministry and still be focused on other mundane things like, oh, I don’t know, academic warfare at Cambridge. :p We had a long chat-it’s been awhile since I talked like that to someone. I miss Hwachuhumanz…

She shared an interesting analogy with me:

Imagine you were dying from an illness, and there was only ONE cure available- consumption of a special flower found on the top of the world’s most treacherous peak. I volunteered to traipse the mountain to obtain it for you. After getting the flower, I brought it to your lips. The logical progression would be for you to eat it and recover. I am not going to force it down your throat, but I want you to know that I risked my life to obtain that flower, and if you do not choose wholeheartedly, willingly to eat from my hand, you will perish. I guess this parallels the Lord’s sacrifice for us. Many (myself included) have questioned why Christianity has to be so “exclusive”. If God was so merciful, then why doesn’t He save everyone? But God gave us the freedom of choice, He wants us to be sincerely grateful, and to Choose to love Him. He took the first step by giving us His son, and it is totally up to us to reciprocate. Of course, we can choose not to, but then we will have to bear the consequences: denied entry into Heaven.

Indeed, His banner over us is love. God has already given us the maximum capacity of love, so we need not consciously rack up “good deeds” in order to gain brownie points to secure our entry to Heaven. We are merely trying to reciprocate His love for us. It seems so natural that I don’t know why I took so long (18 years!) to understand that! We will never stop sinning as long as we live, but this should not excessively worry us because our salvation can never be lost. It’s difficult to love thy neighbour as thyself, but I’ll always remember that only when you’ve finally accomplished that, will you be allowed to love yourself as much as you love others. I’m not going to make any excuses-I’m far from that ideal, and sometimes I find myself heading in the other direction, but it’s heartening to know that I have the campus ministry and so many other friends (I love you guys!) along for the journey. (:

I’ve been learning so much this past year about life, faith, spirituality, love than my whole life combined. I’m truly blessed. (:

Music: Alter Bridge-In Loving Memory

Saw this graphic print on Sera's shirt-loves it!

Just came back from union camp yesterday and church 1/2 hr ago:) The brothers were extremely sweet- they surprised us with SAD day today. Haha, it actually stands for Sister Appreciation Day. The whole campus ministry (20 plus people or so?) gathered at Ant's void deck where the brothers sang "Prince of Peace" and "LOVE" (L is for the way you look at meee...) for us and Sera teared up a bit. Then each bro presented a sis with flowers and a short testimony. And they treated us to a cake with pink icing on top, which read "SAD", We were laughing that the patissier must be weirded out my the message. Well, now that the standards are set for BAD (I'm sure you can figure out what that stands for, heh), the sisters will have to come up with something memorable.

Union camp was fun! Er, save for SP night, where I was seriously bored with the programme and my SP. No offence to the organisers, but the pageant was seriously Boring!! Haha, ok, will stop being excessively mean:p Thank goodness for an awesome OG. Although we were a bit sian and unenthu at first, pool games and Sentosa really perked us up. Appreciate all the warm girls and guys who always had rubbish to contribute to conversations. Have come to notice that it's somewhat better to talk to guys about school, since they're older and more kancheong about being away from academics for 2 years. (David, I'm talking about you. bro:p)

Ok, will post up pictures when I'm done uploading them. OG outing in a coupla hours, so shall go totter about and complete my chores before then.:)

Woo, haven't loaded this page in ages! When I look at my last entry, I'm thankful that I've since grown up a lot. And of course, a whole lot has transpired since April. Stopped work at Tanglin during the June hols, slogged at Coffee Club as a waitress, studied the Bible intensively throughout, and got baptised on the 25th of June. :)

I'm slowly realising the subtle changes that are taking place in my life.(Clearly, aside from the glaring ones like, er, starting Uni!!!) Now, whenever I feel especially drained or swept away, I remind myself that my life is lived in God's glory, and that the Lord will provide me with refuge. I've learnt so many things about God, spirituality, life and love through the church, and I've noticed that whenever I pray, I'm usually thanking the Lord for all the People He has blessed me with.

The sisters and brothers are awesome and encouraging, and their friendship is of a different sort from worldly relationships. I know I can turn to them for spiritual guidance. There is a level of openness that I've not experienced thus far.(: The Campus Ministry is truly a dynamic place(:

Yes, some of the lessons are scary, and I don't agree with everything, but I'm convicted that if you are truly inclined towards God, you'll be welcomed into His arms. This may not mean worldly prosperity or a charmed life henceforth, because the Lord is more interested in making your life Holy than making it Happy. Yup, it's tough love. I always come home from service reaping a new lesson, no matter how small. Just yesterday, I came across for the first time, a verse that warns of the Lord abandoning you (Isaiah 54), this is markedly different from the usual preaching that God will never forsake you and so on. Strangely, it is somewhat comforting to know that yes indeed- do not take the Lord for granted, He will hide his face from you if you choose to turn away in the first place. But there is always the reassurance that God will warmly welcome you back should you decide to trek back in His direction.

Hm, am worried that this period of relative spiritual strength (as compared to my usual self-reliance not so long ago) will slowly erode once the hysterics of university starts. It is going to be a challenge to dutifully do Quiet Time, devote time and effort towards church and generally be Christ-like when the whole world around you seems to be zooming ahead with their own pagan speed. But I take heart that there are many others in the ministry who are at similar stages in their lives, and that through encouraging one another, we may grow in spiritual strength! (:

In other more secular matters (ahem, this is debateable since many people believe it is God's will being excercised, haha), World Cup 2006 has finally ended! The past month of fellowshipping with friends, cheering for the teams, stuffing our faces and basically reverting to primal behaviour has been awesome. That's why I love WC, even though I don't normally watch football. I'm amazed at how this event can bring people together and we temporarily indulge in ourselves.

Thanks to all mah football khakis out there who made the WC so enjoyable! Heh, late night ferrying from Macdonalds to home(Zw: I have faith in your driving even though you failed twice:p), lazing about and staying over at Ian's (feel slightly guilty for treating his place like a hotel, haha. Lan, U know we love u, man:)), the racuous crowd at church (what can I say? A bunch of campus students, free flow of caffeine and junk food plus a tight match=FUN).

Ok, it's getting late and I need to catch up on my sleep. NUS Union Camp tmr! Just know we'll have a blast, like we always do when we're together:) (er, ok, I may be in a different og, but we'll still have fun!! Heh)

The fears are too real for comfort. I hate this period of senseless waiting. It's torturous. Haven't heard from anyone yet, which must not be a very good sign.

At this point in time, I honestly feel that I can teach long-term. I've more or less settled into the environment, but everytime I think about this comfortable job, I'm forced to revaluate my chances.

Just tell me sooner. Life is still bleak.

it's hard to deal with the feeling you get when you realise your best isn't quite enough.



in the past week i've made bad calls, not thought over things well enough, reacted not-so-optimally to situations, been last-minute, been unable to focus, felt like i probably wasn't meant to do this, thought about myself as a person, thought about myself as a friend, thought about myself as a leader/worker and decided that, at least for now, i'm officially disappointed with me.



the thing that scares me is, i don't even have an optimistic phrase to put at the end of this blog that says oh you know, everything seems to be going bad and i'm upset but i know it'll be okay.



honestly, i don't.

Spent a nice, quiet day at home reading and caring for Bibs. The poor dearie got attacked by Tyson earlier in the week and had to be rushed to the vet's. Wounds are looking alot better, as compared to the two ghastly fang holes he had earlier. Ok, will not gross people out with descriptions of the pus. Anyway, Bibs will be duly entitled to the TLC he deservers. (:

Am planning to do something I haven't done in a loooong time -- go to church. Yes, my collegues have finally succeeded in dragging me off to their Punggolian congregation -- on Easter Sunday nonetheless! Will go with an open mind. (:

Uni stuff is trickling in slowly, and the wait is long and ardous. Feel like I'm back in December, all anxious and jittery. It's still kinda painful to read about how S is torn between Cambridge and Yale on her blog, but she really deserves her results, and even though I don't know her well, I'm happy for her.

Been thinking alot lately about future career paths (surprise, surprise). I don't really want to career jump too much, so the choice I make now is probably going to last a lifetime (sounds like I'm choosing a mate, eh?). But I'm not really in a position to choose now, am I.

In other news, The Sister's secret love affair thing is kinda cute, cos she takes care not to let anyone know about it, but there're always little tell-tale signs. (Ok, fine, maybe some need a little investigative probing...BUT I haven't told on her to The Parents...yet. Haha, I'm evil.) Well, she did leave her neoprints lying about... :p

Arrr, used to be unable to stand anything cutesy. Oh no, I'm turning to jell-o.

gahh... tests were atrocious. the math portion was amazingly difficult-no calculators allowed! reminded me of the d math paper one in secondary school. sigh, didn't even complete some questions, which is highly embarrassing, because i saw that the candidates around me had completed ahead of time. the moe one today had about 400 people (this is not an exaggeration) squeezed into an auditorium. which means that there are probably 1000 (since they conduct a number of sittings) people ALL applying for it. O M G.

Personality Test

Qn 1: Do you find yourself feeling inferior to others?

A Seldom
B Occasionally
C Frequently

Qn 2: Do you find it difficult to pluck yourself out of self-pitying moods?
A Yes
B Not Sure
C No

Oh dear.

bloody tests. pattern observation is Not my thing. am having a headache from looking at all the online practice tests, and attempted to print out some. but aborted plan when i found out i needed 53 pages. and yes, one more time with feeling- some students need to Die.

ahem, ok, maybe that wasn't so appropriate seeing how i'm applying to teach. owell, uni apps are all over and done with. except that i haven't mailed smu my cheque yet. oops, hope it's not too late. and i haven't gotten a teacher's reference for ntu. i think that's optional. gahh. life is back to being bleak.

March hols are here! but still have to do work--> setting mid-yr exams. don't think i'm gonna get paid for doing ot though. owell, will hopefully be able to get my ass down to finishing up all the essays i have to submit (boo) and finish reading all the books i have lying around (i'm horrible like that). all's ok i guess. one year ago, if you told me i had to remain in sg, i would probably whine and moan, but now, i'm genuinely ok with that fact. just hope that i'll accept whatever comes my way with an open heart.(: ok i'm off to craft crafty MCQs, heh

I'm going to start my crazy-assed militant training programme tomorrow. This requires the stripping of individual identity to form a cohesive whole contingent. I shall address the students by reg nos, and they will address me as "Miss Ooi Please" (Yes I have included "Please" as part of my name.) or "Mdm". I will not respond to anything else. Especially not "cher" or "oy". Corporal Punishment will be included in the regime, and this includes standing on the table and spinning according to the ceiling fan's motions. Miss Ooi (my new Christian name "Please" has been omitted for the sake of proper syntax and sane English) will periodically change the speed of the fan (we have moronic slowness suited for the -ahem- heavier ones. (Yes political correctness aka common courtesy is also encouraged in this new regime. I shall set the example.) We also have maniacal spinning when Miss Ooi is in a groovy mood and turns the knob to the max. And by groovy I mean Krakatoan explosion)

Male students are prohibited from standing less than one arm's length to Miss Ooi, unless I make the first move towards you (note the subtle switch of pronouns. Muahaha, this is part of my psychological warfare strategy which will break down even the nastiest bastard.)

Targets:

3E2: Aaron, Weijun, Teck Cheong (unless he crosses over to the Light ie Miss Ooi's side--Darkness must not, it must never(!) triumph)

3E3: Andrew, Chipong, Chuan wei, Terence. The whole schoolboy crush has long worn thin and I have to restrain myself from literally strangling them. To curb these murderous thoughts, I have taken to reading "Siddhartha", but sadly, I have yet to relinquish my worldly violent tendencies and desires to amputate certain teenaged beings.

Behold the new militant bitch in town. Bring it on, man.

came back from a nice meal with some of the ns guys who were not struck with tekong flu, so yayy to white blood cells and uh various bodily things that protect teenage boys from nasty viruses(:
yabbered the whole afternoon away in breeks with the 15ers, and i miss the guys with all their corny jokes. everyone needs people like junyong and ian in their lives to hammer.

steamboat at shuki's house last night was nice and cosy with just the few of us. heh, felt a tad guilty cos we left all the washing up to her parents, plus, they had to wait for us to finish before they could eat:x but i'm proud to announce that i was the only polite guest who brought stuff over. the rest just shamelessly sponged off. plan to play mahjong failed miserably cos we got carried away with the yabbering. and we left at the rather sad time of 10 since most of us had to work the next day. talked about some pretty sobering stuff last night, but the future has always been bleak and very sobering, so yes, that's that- deal with it.
the whole "we're at the crossroads where we have to make life changing decisions" thing does not get easier the more you talk about it. in fact the enormity increases every single time you think about it. hurhur, it's always at the back of our minds.

it's times like these that i wish for some religious rooting to fall back on. zing said that living for yourself is just not worth it. initially, i disagreed, but i think i've come to see her perspective. anyway, i think i need some alone time- not the watch tv alone type, but some serious quiet time. i haven't been doing that in a looong time.

Oh man, I never thought a bunch of 15 year olds could make me so frustrated. I really appreciate crescentian discipline now that I'm at Tanglin. The sec 3 syllabus is in a total mess. The two classes are having such serious discipline problems that I'm actually panicking at the speed we are going, seeing that I spend most of the time yelling at them. We are NEVER going to finish in time for the test, haha-next week. This would all be terribly funny if it wasn't happening to me. The sec 2s are angels compared to those insufferable attitude giving pubescent twits. Gar. Ok, must stop muttering under my breath in class cos they can hear me and it would hurt their feelingsyadayadayada. Anyway, the point is, what happened to the good old days of yore when sec 3 students actually paid attention?!?! Ive stopped nagging at them and allowed some to do as they like, which is not doing any good for the rest who want to learn. Ohdear, I'm beginning to sound like one of those bitter spinster teachers who nag all day long and are the most unpopular creatures in school. Ok, we'll see how my killer test goes, maybe that'll wake them up.

Went back to beloved Hwachu yesterday(: the songs always give me goosebumps. sigh, i <3 Hwachu. pity i missed the fire display and glam fac heads cos I almost cancelled going in favour of watching Lovers in Paris :x heh, i know,iknow, it's pretty pathetic right? haha, but whatever la. it's my first korean drama!(: omg, they are SO addictive. much better than whatever ch8 spews. went to makan at adams after the campfire! and felt slightly better cos i just read a new study proclaiming that it's not how late you eat, but WHAT you eat that matters. Uhh, i'm still trying to figure how much of that was a breakthrough :x

Anyway, in other updates: my teaching job is....uh kinda fun. I mean i'm not hollering in ecstasy or anything, but yeah, it's fine. The students can get a little rowdy at times. Case in point: I was relief teaching with Mrs C during home ec and both of us were in chare of 2 normal sec 3 classes put in the same room. the guys simply were not in the least bit interested in completing a complex mindmap on Veggies (no kiddingman) so they were basically making alot of noise and playing online games when they should have been researching on the methods of cooking,storage and nutritional value of Vegetables. I sorta understand the reluctance of 15 yr old gangster-types being repulsed by such topics. ("cher!!!zhu se mo zhu?!?!dunno larrr.you so clever you help me do everything lahhh" To which i actually burst out laughing, which, on hindsight might be just slightly inappropriate given that Mrs C was fuming just behind me:x) But these guys do have a sweet side. Was travelling on the bus in the morning when i saw Leo (one of the aforementioned anti-veggie guys) swaggering up the bus. Then i saw that he was holding his little brother's (pri3?) hand on the moving bus, and sort of shoving him into the inner seat so he won't fall onto the aisle. The coarse affection really brought an all round aww feeling, which was definitely a nice respite from the usual gar-i-want-to-strangle-you-so-shut-up thoughts.

Am now online trying to look for interesting geogy pictures, and am complating whether to show them Han's geog porn collection, which is really amusing. But am worried about whether the content is too explicit. Um, actually it's nothing much la, just a couple of phallic looking landforms and provocative patches of grass. yeah, you get my drift. otherwise i guess i'll just have to settle for scenic looking farms. (We're on Arable Land now:))

ok, off to look for PG geog pics now...

New musical find: Arcade Fire:)))

Last night's countdown at Esplanade was possibly the saddest countdown I've ever attended. But in a good way, haha. It was beyond crowded and everyone was quite literally pasted to each other. eeks. Did not even manage the traditional 54321 countdown since we were too far away from the main action to hear the countdown, so by the time we realised it was time, well, it was past time.:X oh well, but the fireworks were amazing-10 glorious minutes, albeit hampered by badly positioned trees. Arrr, could only catch glimpses of the pyrotechnics through the leaves, which might sound vaguely poetic now, but, trust me, is immensely frustrating. gar.

But met nice new ppl!I think their names were Wesley and April. Sher and Qing's collegues from Hellish Hanabi (alliteration!heh). Had fun lounging in Hagan Dazz at 12.30 am.(:

2005 has been an intense year, and I'm glad it's over. Hope 2006 turns out great(: Good luck to all of us. Show me the moneyy!!! I'm sure I'll have lots to blog about later on when my pupils (who might very well be older than I am-!!!) start giving me brain aneurysms and heart burn. gar. Plus all the begging for money from various Orgs. gar. BUT! Our True Warrior (haha, I'm never gonna hear the end of this, but gimme a break, I was 13 and into Tamara Pierce:p) will remain optimistic and doggedly persistent. Pugnacity is puggalicious. ok, ok, enough with the canine allusions.

I guess what I want to say is Happy New Year Everyone!

The club that became St. Catherine's Society took its name from its original meeting place, St Catharine's Hall, a house in Broad Street now forming part of Hertford College. However the connection with the saint is is appropriate for a college founded on an ethos of high academic standards combined with a doggedly independent streak.

Catherine was one of many women carried off from Alexandria by the Emperor Maxentius in 305. Maxentius brought fifty philosophers to convince her that her belief in Christianity was foolish but Catherine had studied in depth, and although aged only eighteen, confounded the arguments of the philosophers and ended up converting them. Maxentius had the philosophers put to death and Catherine imprisoned. However, when the Emperor's wife was also converted after visiting Catherine in prison, the Emperor decided that she had to die. A wheel set with razors was constructed and Catherine was tied to its rim, but instead of cutting her to pieces, the wheel broke and some of its splinters and razors injured the onlookers. Finally Catherine was beheaded.

The College celebrates its patron saint each year with a special Catz Night dinner, attended by junior and senior members of the College, at the end of which a giant Catherine wheel is lit in the quad.

Oh boy.

PROM PICTURES (:

http://www.shutterfly.com/view/slideshow.jsp?auto=1&aid=67b0de21b34c632e6576&js=1134188969578

(Bitte - nicht so schnell! = Please - not so fast (drive slowly))

OMG... can't believe this is an actual place in Austria. Imagine putting this in my tourism essay. (negative externalities of sex tourism eh.)

anyway, been worrying about bibs (my cutestfurrywurrydoggiewogie) lately, there seems to something wrong with his right eye, and he looks as if he's squinting all the time. Oh no, this is very bad, but he's not that old (only 10) but everyone says they usually live till 15-16. I'll give it a few days, but if his condition's still not improving, it's off to the vet's...

I feel a complusive Need to blog about this, release some angst and hopefully feel a bit better. The interview was BADbadbad, so the following post is going to be a Blow by Blow (pun intended) account of it.

Argh, it started off ominously, I couldn't really understand what she was saying because of her accent, so when she asked me if I was the last of Mr White's little lambs (ie the last Geoger of the day), I heard "Have you tried any of Mr W's little lambs," which I of course thought was an appreciative tribute to Mr W's culinary skills, so I almost told her all about the chocolate fudge brownies he baked us last week. Fortunately I stopped myself in time and deciphered her question properly enough.

Then she asked me the inevitable Friendly Social Question ("Where would you most like to visit?"), to which I chamged my choice destination THREE times. 1. Africa (then I realised it wasn't a country) 2. Kenya (then I realised I forgot the name of the tribe I wanted to visit) 3. Peru (because it has 28 out of the 32 available climates!)

Following that, she asked me about solving the aging population problem, which was okay, I suppose, but then she asked me why I would want to solve it. So I gave her the standard quip about how sensitive jobs in the political arena and the military should be taken up by Singaporeans. AND THEN -ahem- she accused me of being xenophobic. (!!!BADBAD) So there was this small silence where I frantically tried to save myself, while she went on about "how sewn up our society was", how "PAP (she pronounced it pap) has killed off the opposition," and the" ideal solution would be to kill off everyone aged above 65." In comes horrible joke about recurring costs of burial and funerals.

It goes further downhill-

We went on to talk about The Article (this arcane piece on "Fossils of Quadrupeds"). (AAAAArghhhh)

I didn't really know where to start, so I just gave a summary, and stupidly started talking about Paleoclimatology--> global warming and how skeptics question it, to which she said "Global warming? My foot" (I'm not kidding, those were her exact words), to which I laughed weakly in response and said "So I see you're a Skeptic".

Then she started on this truism "the absence of evidence is the evidence of absence", and she asked me whether the author agreed with the statement. ARghhh. badbad. She had to ask me the question 3x before I gave her the specifics.

I was absolutely freaked out by now, so her constant pausing to cough made me all the more nervous (were my answers so shockingly absurd as to induce a coughing fit?!?!). Then she asked me about a giant mammal found in Madagascar (homoflorenscian or something) and I didn't anything about it!!!!! ("So the debate is, are these creatures a new species of quadrupeds, or were they merely suffering from island dwarfism 20000 years ago?" omgddddd)

I think by this time she was kinda fed up, so she said, "Alright, now, do you have any questions for me?" Diediediedie. Intelligent Question Thinking Time suddenly sprang up, and I wasn't prepared to leap into fluvial geomorphology, so I asked her about some lame thing regarding conducting a census of the ocean, and whether she believed in the existence of exotic, undiscovered species on earth. Then she told me about some giant squid they found off the coasts of Africa or sth.

Her parting words: "Go find out more about those homoflorenscians."

And no I do not feel any better.

urgh, am a bundle of nerves. the interview is tmr, and i'm scheduled to go after sh and jy, both very good students. i'm going to look like a complete moron next to them. and Dr Babs Kennedy (the interviewer) is one helluva geographer. she specialises in -ahem, wait for this- Fluvial Geomorphology. i mean wth is fluvial geomorphology (i even had trouble typing that out)(!!!). argh. Must Calm Down, in order to avoid difficulty pronouncing multi-syllable words-yes- that tends to be a problem sometimes. Mr White very cheerfully informed me that past topics of discussion have included "The Lunar Landscape"- ?!?!?!?. right. (am turning out to be a Punctuation Whore.) argh. the only understanding i have of that topic is it's association with ancient Latin medical hypotheses relating to lunacy, which i am succumbing to slowly - but oh so- surely.

Must Not Panic.

Dr B Kennedy
Summary - Fluvial geomorphology, history of geomorphological and geological thought.

A fluvial geomorphologist by training, Dr. Kennedy's research in that field has moved from valley asymmetry to river networks in general and the role of tributary junction in particular. In parallel with this, she has become increasingly interested in the historical development of ideas about landscapes and land forms, especially valleys, since the Eighteenth Century. Her work at present is focussed upon Charles Darwin's experience of valley forms during the Beagle voyage and the significance of his Patagonian and Chilean travels.

-ohno, i'm too young and ignorant to face such brilliance.-

should i shake her hand? but everyone tells me i have sweaty palms when i get stressed, and tmr, make no mistake, tw WILL "get stressed", to put it mildly.

Somebody please help me. I think i might need to see a doctor for some of those pills hz n k have been popping. seems to have done them ALOT of good :x me want some tooooo.

yes,yes, i know i'm lousy, no need to keep reminding me.

haha, the Beckhams always crack me up.

anyway, just found that that there's not going to be any lessons on tues and wed, cos the tutors haven't finished marking - this break is lasting waaayy longer than i thought it would/should. arghh, can't regain my mugging momentum, so am a bit worried about that. have been relatively happy and carefree for the past few days, cos of, well yeah, the extended break and of course because i have yet to know my results (except for math and gp). heh, so have been spending time watching movies, eating, shopping, lounging around (semi-stylishly :X)

but sending off huixin and co last week brought me much grief. sigh but that has been discussed to DEATH. haha, shuki, risse and i were so depressed after that and worrying about econs, but mr b has *benevolently* decided to drag out our anxiety.

anyway, wanted to blog about "city of god", cos it's a freakin gooood movie. damn sad though, i actually cried a number of times, esp when i saw all these kids (apparently, none of them are professional actors, and they're mostly real ppl pulled out from Rio de Janeiro) shooting and killing with guns bigger than they are. urg, extremely disturbing. and i cried when Benny, (without doubt my favourite gangster-he's kinda cute n v funny, ok, i know i'm trivialising the film but he's cute what...) died after being mistakenly shot by some hoodlum.

the show's based on a true story (originally a novel written by Paulo Lins) about gun/drug gangs in the slums of Rio and the constant power tussle between the lords. the cinematography is fantastic and everything looks so grimy and real. there were times i forgot i was watching a movie, cos it seemed so much like a documentary. the angles are alternately subtle and in your face, and there's an added layer of narration from the central charac, who's an aspiring photographer, so the story is told partly through his lenses.

I was remembering all the facts we learnt abt Rio in Geog last year, as one of the main case studies of slums and sqatter settlements in ELDCs, and i realised how different it actually is in the movie. our notes tell us of all the govt plans to provide cheap mass housing, electricity, jobs etc for the people, with only passing mention of the deep rooted corruption that is so much a part of reality. the situation of the brazilian middleclass sounds really bad, but it 's alot worse for those living in the periphery. everyone is hooked on drugs and it's the only livelihood for many of them, cos we all know that peddling drugs brings decent money in a town where the drug lords make the laws. (it's actually constuctive in a thwarted way cos the drug lords ensure law and order so they don't attract the attention of the cops, which leaves them to carry out their business without interference.) almost everyone in the movie talks about "getting out of here someday". the cynic in me says that sounds like Davies wanting to get to Sidcup, and that there will always be shattered dreams but i better not be too dismissive, cos i just might be at the wrong end of the stick :X cynicism is too much of a luxury right now.

yes, will enjoy last few moments of peace before pandemonium breaks loose when my maid returns to manila for 2 weeks and i start receiving my papers back.

it's the last paper tmr (S Lit), am feeling an odd mix of relief and dread, and a very draining haplessness, but i can't bring myself to study anymore. have been staring at TWO shelves full of books, half of which i've never read before, and the other half of which i've totally forgotten. i think i may be the only candidate tmr who's got nothing to talk about except a few A and O Level texts. KOC anyone?

quite depressing, especially when others are doing cool stuff like Ian McEwan, JM Coetzee etc, but i don't know much about their work, so, yes, am reduced to a bout of whining and self-pitying. but i do think i read quite considerably, it's just that i don't really absorb all the complex intricacies and Themes/Concerns of the books. I just read them y'know? As a result, i can remember that I've read the book, I can remember if i liked it or not, but i have no clue as to discussing it at an academic level. Plus i just can't crap enough to link and cross-reference them properly. (imagine cross referencing jeanette winterson and Koc...hmm, actually, i do see a sort of semblance, with jw's lesbos and the possible suppressed homosexual desire edmund has for kingshaw..hey, i might not be that hopeless afterall...) argh, am panicking, but not quite. (it's another sort of brooding and brewing sort of panic)

and haven't been writing in a long time, sigh, can't seem to start again. (it's kinda like exercising :x)

BUT, am muchly looking forward to traditional class fishing outing on tues, heh, still remember the trip last year, and HZ actually going home to cook our catch (: i hate (most) fish though, can't stand the taste, so when she brought these yummy looking fried things that looked like macdonalds fish fillets, i characteristically stuffed one in, but immediately spat it out, and i saw glimpses of silver and almost vomitted. would have been quite funny though-- imagine the new hwa chong insignia: a brown girl, holding a brown fish, projectile vomitting brown liquid, all very colour co-ordinated and etc.

argh, perpetually stuck in state of Existential Panic. people have been commenting that those 2 have become my favourite words of late, hah, but i think i shall reduce my usage of them, cos i want to preserve some of their oomph. :)

i usually have tons of crap to talk about here, but today, am strangely at a loss for words, but just felt like blogging anyway, probably cos i spent the last hour blog surfing :x eeps, i know, feel guilty.

Daddy's birthday is on tues! so, am happy that i'll be free from mugging to celebrate it with him, will be getting a nice prezzie for him from the whole family, so the budget has inflated quite considerably :p <3 him alot though he often gripes (jokingly i hope) about me being fat, lazy, stupid, unfilial -- did i mention i was getting him a present....

ok whatever, shall definitely blog more tmr when the plug from my throat is pulled out by the Post-Prelim Goddess. wth, how am i supposed to write 3 passable essays like that!?!?!?

Antony and the Johnsons

oh man, they make me cry

Fistful of Love

I was lying in my bed last night staring
At a ceiling full of stars
When it suddenly hit me
I just have to let you know how I feel
We live together in a photograph of time
I look into your eyes
And the seas open up to me
I tell you I love you
And I always will
And I know that you can't tell me
So I'm left to pick up
The hints, the little symbols of your devotion
I feel your fists
And I know it's out of love
And I feel the whip
And I know it's out of love
I feel your burning eyes burning holes
Straight through my heart
It's out of love
I accept and I collect upon my body
The memories of your devotion

Cripple and the Starfish

Mr. Muscle forcing bursting
Stingy thingy into little me, me, me
But just "ripple" said the cripple
As my jaw dropped to the ground
Smile smile

It's true I always wanted love to be
Hurtful
And it's true I always wanted love to be
Filled with pain
And bruises

Yes, so Cripple-Pig was happy
Screamed " I just compeletely love you!
And there's no rhyme or reason
I'm changing like the seasons
Watch! I'll even cut off my finger
It will grow back like a Starfish!
It will grow back like a Starfish!
It will grow back like a Starfish!"

Mr. Muscle, gazing boredly
And he checking time did punch me
And I sighed and bleeded like a windfall
Happy bleedy, happy bruisy

I am very happy
So please hit me
I am very happy
So please hurt me

I am very happy
So please hit me
I am very very happy
So come on hurt me

I'll grow back like a Starfish
I'll grow back like a Starfish
I'll grow back like a Starfish
I'll grow back like a Starfish

I'll grow back like a Starfish
I'll grow back like a Starfish
I'll grow back like a Starfish
I'll grow back like a Starfish
Like a Starfish...

It's poetry, heh, but strictly not for mugging listenership, which brings me to the another purpose of this entry:

Ode To Jay Chou's Fantasy Album (in my opinion, the best fecking mandarin album i own)

Year of purchase:2002
Location: Pirated cd shack in Hong Kong

IT'S easy listening, and i know all the lyrics by heart, his mumbling has attached itself irrevocably in a comfortable cranial corner (awwyeah, alliteration) you just flow with his music, and it's like listening to an old friend musing about life. i'm never bored of this album (i should know, i listen to it almost everynight). In fact, zhoudong eradicates boredom, you are suddenly not that tired anymore. the arrangement of the songs show a flow that mirrors the mugging process.
first you start out wistful, hopeful,(ai zai xi yuan jian~love before the western era, or sth liddat) then you start getting a bit frustrated, vindictive (the anti-mother-basher rap opus ba, wo hui lai le~ ahpa, i'm home). But you start to mellow, trying to convince yourself that it's all v simple (jian dan ai~simple love). you persevere as the night drags on (ren zhe~the tolerant one...it's difficult to translate the sublime poeticism of jay;p)you enter a period of existential panic as you realise that the fecking prelims are 3 days away, you ask fundamental questions about your existence, but you find out that (kai bu liao kou~my mouth cannot open) all you yearn for is to hark back to a simpler era (shanghai 1943) but you're suddenly reminded of all the blessings of the 21st century, and you feel slightly embarrassed about your incessant whining (dui bu qi~sorry la) the witching hours are the hardest to deal with (wei lian gu bao~the old castle with witches) you start hallucinating about macbeth's ghosts etc (no kidding)the climax is approaching! you psyche yourself up with a high-energy nanchaku flinging number (shuang jie gun~nanchaku). the end is nearing, the dawn is dawning you feel a sense of accomplishment from reading 2pgs of sloman, and you retire to sleeeep (an jing~quiet).

Right, that was my incoherent ode to mah homeboy jay chou. <3 him
ok, am off to listen to jay (:

because i'm a dreadful slacker.

1.

Han: So there's this cool james bond villain with a metal jaw and he goes around eating ppl
Nurul: how cool!!
Tong Wei: hey nurul, aren't you only supposed to eat halal food? but men are not halal
risse, shuki: omg, that was classic
Tw: i'm losing it

2.

Ian: yo wanna go kap to muggg?
Tw: no, it's damn late and i wanna go home. how abt tmr? a couple of us are mugging at orchard
I: no lar, i can't mug outside one

3.

N: I'm so not a pink person, it's so bimbotic
Tw: no lar, you look quite sweet in pink! and bimbos are Babes In Total Control of Themselves!
N: er, that's a bitch dear

(i hope the sublime comedy is apparent. heh)

4.
while watching a hot wushu babe practising her swordplay

I: man, she should just stay at home and cook
Tw: or she cld come right up and impale you with her xiaolongniu skills

5.

Joel: A Wife is a useful thing to have
All: rrrighttt
J: see, she can be used to Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc

6.

Joel (again): hey, what to gays do when they fight?
Tw: what
J: they exchange blows



omggg, we're all dying, and seniors all leaving soon/have already left. feeling a tad desperate.

i told my mother abt applying to unis during dinner time, but then i added that not much hope shld be pinned upon them, cos i honestly think my chances are quite slim.

tong si then said: "then why waste money applying?"

right, thanks alot for the vote of confidence.

i suppose only self-doubt is tolerable.

Oh yeah, so apparently the whole film issue is now settled, cos we have sammysam sim who has emerged as filmsoc’s saviour. And what’s even cooler is that she makes a waayy better film v. head than pw-obsessed sl. Yes, it was truly a blessing in disguise. To think that sam didn’t run initially cos she was afraid of all the competition from the other elects. Now sl can screw off and bury herself in peeedubbb..ok will stop harping on the fact that she thinks pw’s better than actually having a cca.

In other news, we celebrated junyong’s birthday today, albeit being a bit late, but all the better, cos he was caught totally unexpected when we burst out with all the party poppers and related shit. Stuffed our faces with cake and GLORIOUS peanuts (: in a tribute to junyong’s nuttiness and his unforgettable peanut joke (ni men hen huasheng lehhh~ you guys are nuts) yayy, <3>

Btw, wasabi nuts are freaking funky lar, they make your nose so bad, but I guess that’s why some pple enjoy SM. (ohman, I did not just say that) haha, shld stop inventing weird allusions abt foos, I remember a particularly cringe worthy one abt erotic berries on zing’s b-day cake (they BURST in your mouth:) ok, am turning into a bawdy fool, and “ignorant as dirt!”

Talking abt which, we had a Peanut War after finishing the cake, which basically involved the peeps split along gender lines and throwing peanuts at each other. Sounds inane, but I assure you it was totally fun. Felt like I was back in orientation 04 again. Oman, sigh, can’t believe all this is going to end. I <3>

Well, was all in good fun. Oh right, we, no the guys were attempting to strip the birthday boy, when the attention inexplicably turned to ian. I don’t have a clue as to why, but ian has always been a favourite stripee object, haha. Funniest thing was when han chased ian all the way to Chinese high (er, that’s a pretty long way off, if you ask me), he got caught by some anal retentive teacher for running around and grabbing other boys (I suspect this is some underground clamp down on all homosexual activity in tchs…ooohhh) anyway, han landed his “lily-white Indonesian ass” (in his own words, mind you) in CS (corrective service for the uninitiated:p). we all had a good laugh abt it..heh

And there’s ld exco jts tmr!! Yay!! It’s at some posh place that our resident taitai keith picked out, called Merchant’s Court in Swissotel, and there’s buffet. Heh, keith’s so considerate(: oh no, am gaining weight like crazy, but hopefully I’ll be able to shed it all off at the end of the yr or sth (hey, I was at my skinniest post o’s and prom time) oh yeah.

Hmm, apparently xiaxue’s blog was hacked into, and all the 12 blogs and gmail account were hacked into. Singapore’s bona fide bog queen has just gotten jacked, but hopefully she’ll be back bigger and better. Cos she’s such a guilty bimbotic pleasure… heh

Right, better stop wasting so much time playing and start doing some proper work.

Ok, am off for dinner, then hopefully some productive time will be spent later on(: chin up girl.

sigh, everything seems to be falling apart now, sook lee, for some insane reason has decided to pull out of exco right after handover ceremony. wtf la. i smsed her to ask for an explanation abt her decision, and her reply was: "decision abt what?"
well, let's see, the decision where you simultaneously jacked 354646 ppl and any hopes of the cca functioning properly. she hasn't even started doing anything and she's already quitting. and amazingly, after she finally comprehended my question, she provided a couple of reasons, one of which includes PW. seriously, WTF?!?!?
am hyperventilating with rage now. wth did she even run in the first place. wisely refrained from calling her and stuck to using sms instead, cos i'm pretty sure i would have shouted some unpleasant stuff. following which, i would probably be decapitated by her despot of a father. (ok, am really pissed now...arghhh)

breatheeeee
wheew

will talk to her nicely tmr and try not to place her in WWF style headlock.
good grief....PW?!?! and i found out that she doesn't even have any other ccas.fine, she can remain an unparticipative, irresponsible, souless vacuum for all i care.

just really heartbroken that the club's gonna be interuppted cos of some uninitiated little twerp who decided to stand for elections just to see if she could get the post or sth. in retrospect, this makes all her earnestness at the interview so artificial.sigh. whatever, i'm sure gina can handle this :)
proof that abandoning the PEARLS system was a bad idea, cos now plenty of pple think ccas are no longer important. ok am getting incoherent.

arghh, am in no mood to do s lit presentation, which is tmr. oh no.

woohoo, school's out until thursday. i think the school's kinda afraid that we'll burn out or something, anyway, i love mr white!! heh, he exudes this sex-egenarian charm, and he's in pretty good shape for a sixty yr old :) haha, owell, back in school for some crappy ld thing. can't wait to FINALLY hand over. hmm, was pretty fun in retrospect, though i really felt like smothering some ppl a couple of times :X

can't believe that more than half a year is gone. arghhh, jc life is ending. i wanna start all over again, and i promise not to slack so much ;)

ok, really blogging just to kill time, cos i haven't got any angsty shit to pour out, but i've been surfing blogs, as usual, and ickleoriental's seemingly perfect life is sooo cute! she's in her twenties, has a deccent career as a journalist or something, has a cool "hubba"- some ex national sportsman. ok, being reallly sadd, cos i've nothing better to do. meeting a couple of friends at tea party tmr, so that should be cool. :) oh yeaahh, piggg out.

a bit of post blocks yayity here :) but berns just has to keep reminding everyone that it's "only 72 days to prelims" geez, i have a theory that that boy's gonna die young and possibly quite brilliant. i mean, coagulated yellow mucus plus dark red blood coming out of your mouth? that sounds like a case of dickensian consumption or something. hmm, hope he takes better care of himself. anyway, am quite screwed for geog, messed up one whole drq-omg. but, am determined to not worry about it for the next 2 days or so...the panicking can set in on tuesday.

spent yesterday bumming (aside from the first 3 hrs of torture in the morning) went to ian's house to watch a movie..heheh, being the cheapos that we are, we refused to fork out bloody 9 bucks for a movie, so we watched truman's show, which was pretty brilliant. i didn't cringe at jim carrey for a single moment in the whole 2 hours, so that was quite a record :) oh no, i think i'm turning into one of those vainglorious ppl who think they're above good ol' toilet humour :) heh. stuffed myself sick with pizza/pasta and gained all the weight that i lost during blocks mugging period-in the span of a SINGLE meal -_- carbs are EVIL !

ian's house rocks, and his room is really cute, cos his mummy buys him all these inspirational posters and he has them all over the room- "the strength inside you is the greatest strength of all" ,but his toilet paper was pretty creepy, they had pink flowers printed all over, haha. spent time talking cock and various gossipy shit. zing and i are both wallowing in our common ground-we're both loser tv junkies. haha, we'll watch anything, seriously. i proudly proclaim that i love channel 8. drama serials are strangely carthartic, and i am actually considering a career as a script writer. man, i'd have those aunties from toa payoh to jurong all tuned in.mediacorp will looove meee:) haha, am going a bit mad from all the tv watching- i counted-14 hours of tv today hoho. and waayy too many hahas. it's telling of my mental status whenever i repeat something too many times, haha.

then rushed home to change before heading out to meet sen n sherry for a concert at te third place. was expecting a whole slew of evangelical hymns, but was pleaseantly surprised. the band was cool, but it was the sharing that really meant somehting. :) those 2 girls were really brave to share something so intensely private with a couple of strangers, so kudos for their effort. i hope their faith never leaves them, cannot possibly imagine the devastation. but such things don't happen overnight, do they?

anyway, am beat, it's going to be a looong day tmr. have anthony's bbq thingy to look forward to!! haha, pig out session again:) life's gooood for now, and thank God:):):)

hmm, been spending an obscene amount of time surfing the web, reading blogs, gossip sites etc. quite a waste of time, but it's, haha, strangely enjoyable. just spent one n a half hrs on awfulplasticsurgery.com looking at celeb picks. yes, i know, it's such a loser thing to do. argh, wasting my life away. hmm, have been feeling strangely bad-tempered these days, esp towards ts. but seriously, she's morphing into paris hilton/random spoilt brat. she's bought a total of 3 outfits for her prom, which is more than half a yr away. goodness, and now she's complaining that she HAS to get a new skirt cos she's bored with the outfits (one of which she hasn't even worn,omg), n cos she accidentally worn one out before, so her friends have seen it n it wld be social suicide to let them see her wearing it again or sth. wth, ok this is all extremely petty, but i just get so irritated. got into a little screaming match with her just now which got both of us a scolding. ack. argh, ok breathe.

i feel like ripping up all her mini bikinis and halter tops and weird skimpy shit now. haha, i won't feel the pain, cos it's not like i can fit into those things anyway :/...owell, must stop being so whiny, on hindsight, i'm pretty spoilt myself. (ok, fine, this reflective, remorseful business isn't really working out)hmm, must learn how to deal with situations like this eg offer to save money by helping her sew her damn prom outfit or sth. thank goodness she thinks it's uncool to have it tailored, and has/will settle for a generic daniel yam thingy.

a week plus till blocks. quite scared cos haven't been too productive. watching waayyy too much tv. am trying to cut down on 7 pm drama serial, charmed, smallville, csi,friends reruns etcetc
hmm, on a slightly happier note, ld stuff's gonna end soon, so yay for that, just various admin loose ends to tie up now. film camp was alright i guess, really grateful to the pple who turned up, owell, it's our first time doing it, so admittedly it was a bit rough on the edges. kudos to sihui, shuhui, melvin,shumay,woes xi, keith, shuki, anna, sen etc for helping out. glad the kids (actually, i shld stop referring to them as kids, most of them are bigger than i am) enjoyed it. Mr Foo was cool, even though her brought some weird pirated copy of a movie and screwed up the video system abit.heh.

n sher's birthday is coming!:) here's an advanced happy birthday to u dear!!

omg. 12 am essay crisis. argh chaucer is kkkiiiiillllinggg meeeeeeeee. argh shit, still have not touched shakespeare stuff. am going to dieeeee. ok, just had to get away for a while and whine - how sad, to no one in particular. humph. and hate realplayer.

hoho, qing, you've gotta read this
SCUM Manifesto (Society for Cutting Up Men) was published by Valerie Solanas

Eaten up with guilt, shame, fears and insecurities and obtaining, if he's lucky, a barely perceptible physical feeling, the male is, nonetheless, obsessed with screwing; he'll swim a river of snot, wade nostril-deep through a mile of vomit, if he thinks there'll be a friendly pussy awaiting him. He'll screw a woman he despises, any snaggle-toothed hag, and furthermore, pay for the opportunity. Why? Relieving physical tension isn't the answer, as masturbation suffices for that. It's not ego satisfaction; that doesn't explain screwing corpses and babies.

Solanas argued throughout the entire book for the elimination of men:

Retaining the male has not even the dubious purpose of reproduction. The male is a biological accident: the y(male) gene is an incomplete x(female) gene, that is, has an incomplete set of chromosomes. In other words, the male is an incomplete female, a walking abortion, aborted at the gene stage. To be male is to be deficient, emotionally limited; maleness is a deficiency disease and males are emotional cripples.

hmmm, and i thought germaine greer was disturbing enough, in comparison to solanas n dworkin (suitably ghastly name btw..), greer's like a kindly old lady...heh

plus it's damn sad, the way she (solanas) tried to kill andy warhol after he refused to produce her play "up your ass" about a man hating prostitue (in classic tradition of art imitating life--or is it the other way round?--nevermind, you get the gist--play was prob abt herself), and her gun jammed after a few shots. apparently she thought a.w. was a vampire, so she spray painted the bullets silver. she initially wanted to wrap the bullets in silver foil, but didn't do so cos she was afraid the gun would jam (which it still did anyway.) sigh.
but the amazing thing was, a.w. refused to testify against her even though he barely survived the murder attempt (he never recoverd fully). hmmm, what did he feel for her? admiration?pity?owells, am feeling bimbotic today, so probably will not ponder such deep thoughts.heh.


in other news, am planning to see mr b soon, but wanna wait for a private moment, cos i don't want him insulting me in fronmt of so many others, quite devastating. but i've mentally prepared myself for all the horrib,e things he's gonna say. mr white will probably be more comforting, but sometimes you need somene to slap you right across your face to wake you up. and stop you from watching all thoses meaningless, time-consuming tv programmes--tv is evilll!!! oman, what do i see on wu zong xian--he's not even funny, in fact, his humour is pretty tasteless..ugh, must stop obsession with reality tv n other similar celebrity-generated crap.

production is starting to overwhelm, and the real work hasn't even begun yet. sigh, mild resentment towards k, wish he wasn't so lazy n non-commital. argh, and have film camp stuff to fret over. so why am i still wasting time blogging?!?! or/and being serial blog-reader--j's blog is DISGUSTING btw... "harvard or yale??? my heart says yale, but my head says harvard" she's collecting all the entrance acceptances like trophies n depriving othes of a place. damn immoral la. why apply when you already have other plans? humph, ok, am being shamelessly jealous of her. n peck! luckylucky girl who flew off to stanford yesterday. hmm, hope she brings back interesting stuff :)

still don't get numerical mtds.

ok well, will go off swimming now.
edit/haha, as if....):

http://www.mistersingapore.org/mistersingapore/Contestants/contestants.htm

Omg, was rofl at these poor dudes who have been conned into participating in this sad sack of a beauty pageant. Almost died when i saw the very conspicuous "Paya Lebar-Photo Not Available". Quite in anticipation of Mister Queenstown, but sadly he must have failed to make the cut. Which just goes to show what miserable people we have in fako ghetto land (think Queensway//Bronx:/)- I mean, what kind of pathetic hunk does one have to be to out-pout Mr. Toa Payoh and his bee stung smackers?!?! Mr Yishun positively looks like a computer-generated gigolo in Sims 5 or something. Mr Hougang has got to be the worst sod there, with his "I-wanna-be-a-black-eyed-pea" hair, I wouldn't be surprised if his previous residence was Queenstown (think of pseudo black street culture again).

ok, have not managed to wrangle some utility from insulting all these unknown people, whom i'm sure are decent guys in real life, but yeah, i'm just bored and in a foul mood.

am kinda looking forward to weekend (duh) cos there's humans party:) hmmm, seem to be pigging out every single weekend since christmas. not good for waistline.haven't excercised properly or prepared for nafa on mon, so am quite dead. plus have incomprehensible complex nos n utterly "huh?!?!" discrete r.v. to go figure out. plus all the usual econs and geog shit. argh, this is so sad, my life is so bitter. whine!!

on slightly happier note, there's all the pigging out n meeting with qing n sher going on this weeekend, sooo yayy:)

to sherry: any of these guys fit your wakeboarder/surfer profile? heh.