thank you God, whatever u are (Y.Martel changes your outlook:),for letting me get into CAP.thank you all non-bitchy friends whom i bugged with my sub-standard poems.thank you silence for exactly that.thank you, the triumvirate alliance who threatened to trample on my pride.thank you for doing as i requested (pleaded?)--to be gentle.
thank you Plath, for making me moody, because one needs to be screwed to up write.(now, isn't that true?:)

looking very much forward to attending CAP...Can't wait to find out who my mentor is..alfian sa'at, i hope.a screwed gay.does that explain itself?

"what do you tell the woman who believes her happiness lies at the other end of a Toto queue"
-alfian sa'at

anyway, com serve was (unusually)productive today. they were holding a party when i got there, to celebrate someone's birthday or something. something.don't they hate to be reminded of their birthdays?i think i may have spoilt uncle jaya.the nurses warned me abt doing tt, "girl
he'll ask u for thing,even if unecessary one"

strangely,(have been using this word too often for comfort)everyone was strangely hungry today.so that's good, right.the thing was, i kept cogitating if they knew that their time was nearing, so they might as well grab a last, full meal or something. i prefer something.

damn, this piece is good.(http://www.livejournal.com/users/epicyclical/174739.html#cutid1)
i'll never look at harry potter n gang in the sameway again.rowling would have flipped.
disclaimer:be open minded.strictly NOT for coservatives.cassie claire rocks. i posted her LOTR slasher a few months back. well, this is even better.

had com serve at alexandra hosipital(AH) yest.
quite awkward really, cos we were late and past the optimum timing.patients were drab and sullen, but u can't really hold them responsible or blame them.
a few interesting old ladies though, one of them particulary spritely, wonderfully energetic, but darren or whatshisname very rudely interuppted my conversation by tapping me on the shoulder to remind me to go home. Peggy (tt's her name) got...guarded and vulnerable suddenly.
"sorry, for wasting your time.u see, normally, i am at home alone, and only the stray cats come into my house.there's no one.i don't close the door, u see, so if i faint, then someone can help me." almost cried AGAIN (i still remember in sec 2, there was this visit to peace haven, n this lady called Dorothy told me to study hard and tt may God bless me..i started bawling after tt..so embarressing.mushroom had to spend like 1 hr comforting me..damn whatever happened to all my best friends...it's a curse, i tell u, but anyway,gross digression here..)
i didn't want to say tt i would visit her, because i most probably wouldn't, i didn't want to say tt i would see her again, because tt would mean she'ld have to be admitted into the hospital again.damn how do you say goodbye to someone you'll never see again?
the ladies there are .....
An obsure fascination with the serviettes provided by the hospital during mealtimes.they would save the pieces of serviettes, then tenderly fold them, affording the monogrammed wipers with the intricate care that one would bestow upon expensive origami paper(i still have the weird jap origami envelope thingy i forced sher to give me in sec 1)the serviettes would be smoothened, folded, not into any byzantine crane or whatnot, but a simple square. their existence, if you will, though it seems horribly undermining and apathetic to say tt, esp after Peggy's stories (too long, too many to write down here)they would then proceed to place these scraps of rubbish under their pillows or in their sea green pockets. wong fong ching.
i offered to throw away a horribly crumpled piece of tissue, she'd only allow me to do it after she had carressed it and gave it the once over..byebyedearnapkin.i gave her another one and she repeated the moribund cycle. i cldn't speak shanghainese, so i sat there smiling at her, smoothening her blanket.resmoothening them. i tried to get her to read the newspapers, but then it occurred to me tt she couldn't.
well, the next time i go there, i'm bringing along my chess set. or bridge anyone?

Train Ride to Malaysia
Alfian Bin Sa'at
I

Remember us,
on the platform, sitting on luggage
with our Casios and sweaters
playing hand-games, picking flat cigarette butts
and having mother scrub their soot off our fingers
with gruff tissue. Then recall
how we'd grope the bags like birthday gifts,
feeling for snacks, the biscuits you proudly packed.
Then, tugging father's sleeves, you asked:
"Are there cows in Malaysia?". A nod triggered
a glimmer of milk teeth, and you peering at the rails
that stretched into the infinite night. Such moments:
sleepy footsteps, a passing boy's yawn, the water-stained pebbles,
forgave us for what we were,
mistaking the train's hoot for a far-flung moo,
the thresh of its wheels for a clamour of bells.

II

There was a man, in a PVC jacket,
and shades petalled with fingerprints,
vampiring marlboros, oozing
phantoms. Cheekless and cheerless
he clutched a brown PVC bag
with a yellow-nailed hand as mottled
as the bag. The ring on his finger
gawked at us like the eye
of a crocodile.

There was a woman,
green-eyebrowed, self-permed,
who beat her son for peeling
skin off his lips. When he bawled,
the speckled sores stretched open
and cried like little mouths.

We shrank a little,
but never found it in our hearts
to judge.

III

You exchanged your seat with mine
because yours could not recline.

You waved at the station-master, expecting nothing,
but he winked back at you.

Hair cream had misted the windows
as passengers coughed and shoved.

Outside, someone's washing rustled
soft against the huddling trees-

a picnic of ghosts. The train hummed
a restless tune, impatient for the first piston-heave.

But we patted the insides of our pockets,
clutching tickets like fireflies.

Published in One Fierce Hour (1998)

ahhh... i feel better...

Had a horrible time today at VJC funfair. Spent $20 on worthless stuff, plus Miss ZXQ didn't show us ard, didn't pick up her phone, didn't call and generally ignored us. Humph, not to forget tt she maid me wait for 3/2 hrs on thurs....(YES, i STILL remember)

lemme see, the litany of complaints incl sucky food, exaggerated pricing, rude and stingy vj pple : "10 mins lar, water still boiling OK" ARGH. resolve to make hc funfair a more fun place.

too tired and pissed to blog anymore.

Plus, some stuff are best left unsaid.

For XQ:

If we ask whether the position of the elctron remains the same, we must say no.If we ask whether the electron's position changes with time, we must say no.If we ask whether the electron is at rest, we must say no. If we ask if it is in motion, we must say no.
-Robert Oppenheimer

Love and dignity cannot coexist. Unlike faith and doubt. But that is an abstruse, recondite mathematics that i can't comprehend. The contours on the map reflect an indomitable argument, an infallible logic. The craggy earthen lines on the phyical landscape, the warts and other awkward protrudings, they fit nicely into the the wrinkled craters that are your hands. i have given you my youth, dignity, and self, which were prerequisites of loving you. The clamouring hands are like crabs in a tank,dying to grab the buoy which was to lift them out of the salt sea.But the sphinx jinx bit the rope with acicular, sharp riddles. We all know this one: what walks four-footed in the morning, two-footed in the afternoon and three-footed in the evening?
But she has many more up her incisive jaws. The Pharaohs failed to decipher them, so to protect their éclat, the riddles were unceremoniously omitted from The Book.
And so, just like the ancient Pharoahs, you chose to omit the indecipherable as well, and I am undecorously drowned in the neat white coffin you have constucted for me. My lovely, ashen bones mixed with Philosophy, Politics, and Economics -- other esoteric subjects you failed to master. Perhaps I am being spiteful, but my coffin is warmer than your embrace.

The deux ex machina overruled.

i think reverse psychology doesn't work on me any more. is it a sign of the death of naivety and a growing patina of cyniscim?or merely excessive insanity/stupidity? barnard the raconteur is much appreciated, cos everytime he mentions "studying in uk", i'll be like____tengdiduidumlalallah, which really gets me going..yay!positive encouragment!! plus i think i shall subscribe to the school of religion hereby known as good church karma.
asinine han commented that that was an inherent contradiction (elegant phrasing courtesy of yours truly. mr wahjudi used the words: "no, no like dat one")
haha, ok, fine,he didn't, anyw, tt's besides the point.some ppl have obviously never read life of pi..why can't i believe in two religions.fine, it is a bit kiasuist, but i really agree with (most) the teachings of buddhism and christianity.yay, cheers to my newly activated spiritual growth spurt!:)

yes, now to the requisite whining tt HAS to follow. risse is going to japan for three wks as a peace ambassador...WHAT?!?!?! ("peace, i hate the word, as much as i hate hell, all humanity and thee")ok lar, she didn't say tt, but that was the general vibe i got from her. risse is like (one of) the bitchiest girls in class lah!but she's smart, and i give her kudos for that...shitty lar, everyone's going for some exotic life changing mission (eg mongolia, cambodia,taiwan,japan) but i'm stuck in sg.
dammitdammitdammit.
ok, first two countries shld not really be on the list, since i was the one who didn't sign up i the first place.shall spend june hols mugging (lol..let's see..) pull off the block tests and show everyone i'm smart...haha.. geez.concurrent disembogument of arrogance anf humility= big joke.
quick.laugh.now.

i got my pw grpings two days ago. hope i don't scream at anybody.practically and calculatively speaking.-onmm, good church karma-onmm.
ok, have blogged felicititiously for an hour now...enough.

i had an unimaginably spectacular time at the HC vs AC waterpolo match.i positively revelled in idol-worshipping those half-naked "sex-gods" (one day i'll look back and laugh/cringe my head off).anyway, i'm entitled to bouts of bimboticism.i think i've said this somewhere, but i feel the need to repeat it religiously to excuse sorry behavior. anyway, enjoyed ogling at those cavalier,highfalutin, but oh so pulchritudinous male specimens.eww..... waxing lyrical over himbos..love mindless superficiality, this is an absolute contrast to mr barnard's lecture earlier in the day on "The Social Contract". NONONONO.stop there brain . STOP.
Sadly,(this is to sherry) a certain coldfish was still his peremptory, disdainful self. i restrained myself from hurling expletives at him admist approx 121346576 people.argh, hasn't the goon ever heard of teamwork? i mean, he missed every single shot he fired when he could have passed to a teammate at a more strategically advantageous site.!!!?!?!?!(oops, sorry, dear keyboard) i relished noting tt he looked ******* ridiculous in his maryboop bonnet thingy he had to wear. To cap it all off (haha), hc players were accoutered in teeny highlighter orange speedos with a very "surreptitious" tick acros the penal area.

OMGICOULDN'TSTOPLAUGHING.

ahhh..anyway, ac players looked even worse in their flamingo pink trunks, man, they had the words "gigolo for rent" emblazoned across their (suspiciously hairless) chests.(metaphorically speaking of course, lest you sex-starved dimwits ou there have a literal reading of this) un/fortunately, they were admittedly better looking than those porcine ah peks in the hc team.

waterpolo is such a fun sport.

the testosterone secreting ceaslessly into the pool, the players lapping it all up, spitting it out and letting their mates have another go. the taunts, head locking (hysterical, babies fighting over a rattle come to mind).
i loved the subtle way they fouled, a secret underwater pinch/tug/pull/grab/squeeze. amazingly, the refree never seemed to miss all these offences, promtly puffing at his whistle, hereby causing those incorrigible brats to raise their hands in guilty unison. it was to the extent tt some players raised their hands in surrender even before the refree brought the friggin shrieker to his lips.
why didn't i ever watch waterpolo before??!?!?!

ok now on to the finer points of waterpolo....ahhh, shit u lar, who cares about the stupid game?lol...

next sport to "watch" : rugby.

that should be so much fun.(:

ok, good church karma still going (relatively) strong. i think going to church once in a blue moon really helps, if i adhere to marshallian theory of diminshing marginal utility.hence, going to church once a month seems viable..yay!ok, hope i don't get sent to hell after this (very sinful..lol) entry..

lol, interesting to note tt i'm always like tt after contact with acjc (remember funorama, anyone?:) thank goodness i didn't go there, imagine being like tt for the next 2 yrs. i would have shot myself if nobody beat me to it in the first place...
tw forsees influx of hatemail from ac pple...not tt they'd ever get to read this anyway.muahahahaha.

sodom and gomorrah

ugly, ugly, Turlington denounced.
the blinding smoke evanesce,
fat salt tears dry,
pitypity enmity, ineedtotaketheMRT!
anywhere quick tickatickati. time is ticking tickatickati.
don'tshowernow justletmeout!
justwait,i'llbequick,thenwecango,
ohnodon'tpout.
don'twastemytimeleh
pleasedon'tshout
arghh! you stupid crazy showering lout!

i can't slip past the cacophony unnoticed?
i can, you can't, don't rant rant rant.
you can't why can't
you shan't why shan't
please don't why not
i'll be done soon, i promi-
oh sod, hell, rot.

"well, if you go now, i'll look bad
if you go now, you can't come back"
what, a threat?
no, not that. just to tell you, don't regret.

humpty dumpty breaks, leaving behind
nothing. the horsemen take leave, go off for cake.

stuck in room

voicelessness of the black black computer screen

the undone bed, garden of sin

whir and choke of the oscillating fan

the faceless silent creature outside
eye on tv,


you
crossed my path, fresh from bath
poemishy sylvia plath
head in oven currypuff
hard to live with, rough and tough
you and your own
aftermath

irreversible irreparable irrevocable irresponsible irreducible irre-
ire ire bloody fire, don't you offer to pay for my cab
don't you offer to carry my bag
because it's
irreversible irreparable irrevocable irresponsible irreducible.

i pull away again away from your kisses
hisses
red paperhearts crushed
you pushed me over the
pushpushpushpushPUSH! limit

wet sweet
butterflies that decayed into germs, worms, devious Hermes
black plaguey moths.
they who threaten. you threaten.
flutter stops.

mmeeellllttttt......

butter slops.
you die. nought
but a shadow melting in my heart
but
don't think it's only the heart that b-b-breaks.
-Joel Tee

argh, this is CAP standard, probably, i think, though i hope not...

So She walked in, without her usual trounce.The harsh light slashing at her, stifling the tints in her hair.Her mormal ruddy complexion is still present, but this time for different biological reasons.She doesn't just sit, she begs the chair to hug Her. But the armless furniture ebbs away, much like others.
Tears freefalldown, and we awkwardly use the convenient napkin to dab at them. It was ridden with bulletshots, aimed at her heart, who says it doesn't b-b-break? A lipid smile is squeezed out, ironically, to comfort us; frail attempts to denounce fastidious monsters who overdemand. And undersupply. So you ask where do all these dreams go, if Elysium is denied. We provide no answers, only psuedo-comfort, because we are undergoing the same turmoil. But I refrain from liberating pent up rivers. I refuse to, not there, with the horrendous singers, prying children and THE YELLOW PEOPLE. and of course, The Chickens, suffocated with oil, but still listening.

I scour for other options (both to do in the immediate and long term sch plans), but I failed dolorously, so we turned to the ever unwavering hand of gossip, always eager to save you in neverneverknowwhattodo situations. The cheap, disgustingly relished thrill of harmless chatter, which attempts to pass of as profound inquisitions of acquaintances. 3-mth-friends........?

She vomits out an excuse to go home, vile and pungent...to grief?to continue her sobfest?to detach herself from this matrix? I would probably do all. Throw myself into Plato's gnarled arms and let him pull the plug sticking out from my skull. Wait, that's too anachronistic, scrap Plato, Neo is the new messiah.
Flown to Hell and back, we'd better have learnt something.Abyssmal writing doesn't matter, abyssmal reading does. CAP!!!!!!!dammitammmitdammit.Plea for someone to churn out 10 f******** brilliant poems and pass it to me by 31st Mar. Oops, that's today.

incendiary

adj 1: involving deliberate burning of property; "an incendiary fire" 2: arousing to action or rebellion [syn: incitive, inflammatory, instigative, rabble-rousing, seditious] 3: capable of catching fire spontaneously or causing fires or burning readily; "an incendiary agent"; "incendiary bombs" n 1: a criminal who illegally sets fire to property [syn: arsonist, firebug] 2: a bomb that is designed to start fires [syn: incendiary bomb]

Gosh i hate han.

therefore asbestos suit needed.whatever.

I am a map that you redraw.
Follow it. The buried treasure is really there.What exists and what might exist are windowed together at the core of reality. All the separations and divisions and blind allies and impossibilities that seem so central to life are happening at its outer edges.If I cld follow the map further and if i cld refuse the false endings (the false starts don't matter), I could find the place where time stops. Where death stops. Where Love is.
I Love You.

bah, what right do i possess to write like that, I've never really liked anybody before, it may seem quite pathetic to others, sixteen and not a taste of inexorable, inexplicable love...All the pple around me are "falling in love", whatever that means.Lusting after someone?hah, plenty, but love, no one, i think..Love pierces the hands and feet, but all these psuedo-lovers, petrachan in their extolling and exaltation of love, a warped notion, too contrived.mayb i'm too disillusioned, indoctrinated by my parents' mantra, isn't their marriage a prime example of antilove? no, its not fair to say that, they've really started to bond more these past few years. it's been subtle, but definite. we're "independent" now, there's no need to run to mummy (daddy never filled the role of gibraltar anyway) everytime we fall..(though i feel ts still does that , perennially) The midnight dates, the quiet, temporary, but much needed escapades from the family, i can can only empathise and understand how irritating we can get..the ebullience when i'm around ta, when will i ever grow out of it? momentary exodus from finances, businesses, and the endless litany of problems that plague them.it's frustrating being married to my mom, she tires easily, making a ten-hour sleep ritual complusory.dad works until witching hour to put us up in this friggin place, which i think is a total waste of resources.(guilty of wastage sometimes...)hopefully we're mmoving soon, to a more economic venue.he'll get to sleep more then..wth, i mean he's forty plus already, the race is ending (the money-grubbing rat race, not the bigger one of lkife , god, i hope NOT) Love him more than i usually express it.
anyway, contemplating whether to continue running for council, with daph posted out..she seriously hates the idea of going to sa.."too distractive", she says..well, the august reputationand reverence gained fr studying in a top institution has been flung out, very unceremoniously, of the window (jonny taught me this bombastic f word w the same meaning, can't remember now.shit)whatever, does running alone really present me with an edge, cos i think to play on sympathy is underhanded..
yeah well, A11's class population has effectively been decimated with the new posting results..will miss daph... andrew made it back though, gd for him..somehow ppl have formed this impression that i have lesbo tendencies..(horrors!!)i'm not hompohobic, but i think tt's absolute shit.perfectly straight,oestrogen pumped, heterosexual girl you know...lol, mayb it's the rep of crescent working up again..
(lol..this part doesn't really connect, cos i decided to delete an embarressing thingy, now tt sen's in hc too..)
with keiffy, i think we've(almost) reached a state where its purely platonic, very comfortable with him, like with xq (no, tt's grossly unfair to xq, friend of 4 yrs, but u get my drift..)don't want this to change, i don't think we'll quarell, but drifting away seems like a ineluctable fate that has dealt its hand on so many friends whom i thought would stick around. shit, edi pops to mind, been reminicising alot lately, too often for comfort..whatever happened along the way?i'm getting tired of asking the same old question no one has an (acceptable) answer to. if by some sleight of destiny u read this, i'm sorry, let's not assign fault, let's not dwell, let's not dally in the valley(irreverent contribution..bathotic). no. do i want that, for us to start again after a gap of almost 2 years?is it a mere stasis of is it indicative of the end?do i care? do u?
stop making a scene..

but i'm not a playwright...

sometimes i want to go back to those years of innocence (its a paradox really..) rather than dither in the realms of torturous self-knowledge.
because,
nothing can come between us except each other.

Be careful of words,
even the miraculous ones.
For the miraculous ones we do our best,
sometimes they swarm like insects
and leave not a sting but a kiss.
They can be good as fingers.
They can be trusty as the rock
you stick your bottom on.
But they can be both daisies and bruises.

Yet I am in love with words.
They are doves falling out of the ceiling.
They are six holy oranges sitting in my lap.
They are the trees, the legs of summer,
and the sun, its passionate face.

Yet often they fail me.
I have so much I want to say,
so many stories, images, proverbs, etc.
But the words aren’t good enough,
the wrong ones kiss me.
Sometimes I fly like an eagle
but with the wings of a wren.

But I try to take care
and be gentle to them.
Words and eggs must be handled with care.
Once broken they are impossible
things to repair.

- Anne Sexton


ah well, campaign's going find so far, but will have to find a viable alternative to Powerpuff girls, I mean, that would mean total annihilation of my august rep.
i need something that screams "VOTE FOR ME!", but in a subtlely astute kind of way, like an aphorism or mind blowing revelation, something like "Just Do It".Why isn't that branding guru offering help where needed???screw starbucks, help tw out...ahh..when words fail me.
anyways, film soc meeting today only gathered momentum after me and peck sat down to discuss our film--alone..finally, free from abysmal ideas that i pretend to acquiesce to, but all the while cringing inside.I guess that's what you do when you have nothingelse to offer..thankfully, the new script thought up by peck and tw (mostly the latter..lol, it's true!Tw possesses immense creative flair!) is of a far superior standard of entertainment..lol.
the movie starts off surreptitiously as a quotidian cops and robbers cliche, BUT, it extends its insidiousness to the audience and lets them become embroiled in the perilous battle between religion and reality...muahaha, excessively bombastic sypnopsis of the movie...seriously, it goes on to explore the cantebury tales(yay!time spent reading those harrowingly morbid books on sec sch chronicling monstrosities did not go to waste!:)
poignant chess game(kudos to yours truly once again!) epitomises power struggle etc other related blasphemies...ahh, movie is looking very promising:)
ah well, enough of this shamelessly addictive ego trip...i can just envision everyone scrambling for a barf bag..trust me, i'm not usually like that...voyeuristic, maybe..egoistic? *whole Sg choruses in unison* NO WAY!!
this is not helping my case very much, issit?

but mr can you maybe listen there's
me &
some people
and others please
don'tconfuse.Some
people

's future is toothsome like
(they got
pockets full may take a littl
e nibble now And then
bite)candy

others
fly,their;puLLing:bright
futures
against the deep sky in

May mine's tou
ching this crump
led cap mumble some
thing to oh no
body will
(can you give
a)listen to
who may

you

be
any
how?
down
to
smoking
found
Butts

e. e. cummings

why must you psycho-analyse everyone? why must you paint a glorified caricature of the ppl e ard u? is it a vanity issue with u too? the seeming superiority of"understanding" three-mth friends, classifying us in ur warped filing system of humanity..trivalising our actions...

hiaz, class party on sat was a total drab...rain started evn before the fire cooked anything, lightning too threatening, which prevented me fr swimming..(though the lack of extra clothes n underwear posed a problem as well...i wouldn't mind borrowing ian's clothes, but he doesn't own bras, and i can't see myself in his mummy's..eww, tt's just plain wrong)
argh..had to borrow his clothes in th end, due to han's flouting of dunking etiquette...now my phone's ruined...argh...why did i not put it in a safer place?!?!why did i stand so close to the pool?!?!?!now i'm stuck w ian's phone for the next two weeks until the moron(han, not ian) gets me a new one..(ian's being terribly nice abt this whole debacle...which only serves to highlight what an asshole han is..)
anyway,got over the loss of my essential communication tool pretty quickly when wei xiang started preaching abt the lives of the less-fortunate...while less than extolling the merits of council...i'm still running though..if i get it, yay, but if i don't, i won't lose tooo much sleep over it..it's gonna be a major commitement, so ..better brace myself..
determined to use this one week to upgrade myself..finish all the books i set out to read..keep abreast w schwork...ah well, and mourn the passing on of my 6610..lol,i'll live..
sounded pretty pensive on my last entry, but sen, somehow ur comment on it being "nice and deep" seemed to ..i dunno...diminish it?nvm though...
qingy..let's play tennnis again, but mayb somewhere more convenient (sorry sen for making use of ur condo facilities..)how abt the cc? badminton's fine too...

ah well, episode on Os will be conveniently skipped over and forgotten, though truth be told, i'm fed up abt crying and whining...to hell w moe...screw my future..

cip today was really sad...
students didn't know the meaning of words like "noble", n i cldn't explain simplistically...they're
not exactly deprived...
just unfulfilled...
but i don't know of what..
i can't give them love, cos i've only known them for 1 hr, so pity's the next alt.

i never saw my "adopted child" agin..nurul aieen..tt was...still is her name... i promised to bring her out to macdonalds..her face is still a fresh memory, untarnished by modern discourse...she was never the friendly kind..i so wanted to connect, but i don't know, maybe it was the lang. barrier..but my eng's not too shabby..ironically, tt might just be the reason. suddenly have this inexpressible aching to envelope her in a hug...my coccon's big enough for two...she's small anyway...tragically, i doubt she even has an inkling as to who i am.. it's been two yrs..
don't want this blog to degenerate into some contrived emotional dumping ground, where the poetry sux n content is self-centric/hedonistic blah.
pple in class r so dreary...planning to run for council, but not sure i can make it... so i'll just be brushing up on pr skills..(i was never the eyelash fluttering girl who commanded attention...more of the wallflower stereotype, which i used to think i was the antithesis of)but apparently not)=>did this make sense? try to decipher it.
i used to think guides was a fulfilling cca, but can't bear to recall those days of searing naivety...encapsulated in self constructed coccoon...
msn is starting to be a really jejunic place...where pple lament abt their "angst" and "pent up emotions". those words have started to take a toll on me.... but i can't seem to find a suitable synonym...sadly, i am one of the uncountable whining bitches...wth, i have clothes on my back, there's no need to worry abt where my next meal will come from, i sleep in airconditioned comfort, for pete's sake, i even have a television!!!!stop complaining already, u only sound like a trite humanitarian wannabe...why do i reduce myself with fatuous insults?is it a vanity issue or a patina of staged humility? i guess "or" should be replaced by "and"...

phantom readers (ie pple other than xq, sen, sher, pls continue to lead a nondescript existence, don't let me find out you've been reading my blog w/o my knowledge, not so much because i'll be pissed (tt's only to a small extent), but more abt the awkwardness when there's knowledge and intimacy that's not mutual. cutting words, but tt's how i want it to be...
council preparational jobs have not been done so far, but none of my running mates seem to really care, wait tt's a grossly bigoted statement..daph's serious, but ritch is showing leanings of wanting to drop out, she sounded the warning alarm today with an emotional confessional ..it didn't really achieve the therapeutic effect i was yearning for, instead, it festered like a noxious miasmata contemplating implosion...
weird imagery of myself as physical harbour for all this antagonism, antipathy...

there seems to be no real impt point tt i want to drive home (quote rm: drive it home with a headlight)..really..haven't experienced the calling yet...spiritually disconnected..i'm not even a sunday christian, more like, i try to be a nice person, but i don't take into account ecclesiastical concerns...

hah, "u suck so bad u swallow",(han's famous lingo) it's most prob the only thing i'll remember abt han 10 yrs down. will i even remember him...yes, because he's the biggest a**hole in class...wadeva, if u're reading this,bugger off, though i should think not, if the sacred trinity hasn't betrayed my trust... it's just really impt to me to keep this site private...

beginning to lose touch w some ppl, whom i used to spend so much time with in the past, but now hardly manage to keep a conversation alive...sad really.. reminder of wilted friendships, and a certain E comes to mind, i've never really mentioned her before here. have i? we used to be so close..nostalgia flooding in torrents...i'm not waving, but drowning..there are even flashes of times when i can't remember the shape of her face, her fingers, which used to be comforting whenever we did tt hand patting thing tt now only xq does (u know, the one where both of us link hands and clap our hands together softly?) it provides a maternal succour i can't find in my own mother...shit, getting teary...
why did the imbecilic shit abt the jw girl even occur?!?! i still don't comprehend...i mean wth...i said bye to her (E, not jw) the other day when she crashed hc, but attempt at reconciliation was flatly ignored with the nonchalant flick of her hair, and she gave me the cheek profile...her nose turned up, not in a snobbish way, but in a knowing disregard..and it hurt to see tt she's deteriorated into such a petty creature (the irony is sorely not missed here, omnipresent in the spiteful description).
ah well, kieffy beefy advised me to let it go..he's been one of, if not the sweetest guy in class, i hope it works out b/w him n zing (honestly, i try to help, it's just tt he lacks self assurance sometimes...)
shit, been online for way too long...
tw resumes mechanical, indomitable mugging front...

Margaret Cho in response to Bush's statement on same-sex marriage
hilarious.


"An amendment to the Constitution is never to be undertaken lightly."

Nor shall it be used to buy more time in office.


"After more than two centuries of American
jurisprudence and millennia of human experience, a few judges and local authorities are presuming to change the most fundamental institution of civilization."


After two centuries of prejudice and non-inclusive laws, and the millennia of human experience, which has had its share of genocide, slavery, calamity, destruction and death, not to mention your term in office, finally some brave souls are willing to take a stand for the true meaning of equality and justice, not to mention love.

this sounds sad, but the biggest event of my life's gonna take place tomorrow (technically, it took place last nov, but it's a continuation).
argh, just let me make it back..
if fate conspires against me, i shall have to erase all the previous entreis, cos it wld be just too painful to look at them and be reminded...

what wld i do with the badge? the pe shirt? the waterbottle? the books? the friends? the spirit? the memory?

i sound cheesy, but tt's seriously the way i feel...
i shall compose a love song/poet (a sonnet's still way out of my league):


brain breathed air,
with sinews waving
or are they drowning?
one digresses

blue lipped thumb kissing the paper...
signing my life away
if i 'm accepted, i'm
c o n n e c t e d
for real?

shadowy monster of a fallen past
wasted in yellowy crust
burnt, charred
wasted

the irony...
migrating from one yellow city
to another.
sour lemons to swallow

don't cringe
when u binge,
rocking off ur hinge
FLINCH

shallow accusations
from a hypocritical poet.
too unaccustomed
to a hopeless hope

the handsome female
with her psuedo-inspiring speeches
"go team go!"
before the torrent
of tears, of tears
ripping

paper, will i do it
will u hear it?
kowtow to toilet paper.
cavity filled solace
with the brown recycled bits
encouragingly utilised.

kleenex is too soft anyway.

16 on the table
will it rise
when the bags are stripped
at 2.30 27 feb 04?

comments?
feel free to criticise..

alrighty, went to the acjc funorama expecting to see some eyecandy (hey, i am permitted to have some fun aren't i?)...sadly, there was a dearth of cand(Y)dates at the fair(muahaha, i'm getting quite good at this abyssmal punning thing..*collective groan*) , but the reputedly hottest guy in sch went ard with the words "spank me" slapped across his ass..unfortunately, i did not get to see this ... but, judging fr lucinda's response (she gave him 12 out of 10), he's gotta be pretty hot...

anyway, had an empowering talk with sher, which prompted her much delayed awakening.. today's the first time i've ever heard of her volunteering to do some charity work..she's made a list of all her goals (realistic ones, if i might add), and she promised to try to be more socially aware...yeah, sher used to be so confined in her own personal sphere, i mean, it's bad enough she's got no clue as to who Dick Cheney is, but : "Blair?? Hmmm... sounds familiar, that guy.." just takes the cake. glad she's taking a more active role in her own life. inspired me to be more determined..
1.)shall not be shallow ie judging ppl based on their looks/sch
2.)shall not suffer fr lack of self-esteem "everyone's better than me syndrom"
*note: kick my ass if i whine abt "perfect" pple fr now on.
3.)study harder, try to concentrate more intensely in class, esp econs
4.)try to read ahead
5.)try to be nicer to family members
ah well.. the litany goes on...

my spiritual health is sadly deteriorating... nietzche is screwing me up... the most disturbing thing is, i actually find myself agreeing with some of the things he said... some say he's a farce, but isn't christianity a religion fundamentally based on the concept of pity? the bible tells us to be nice to beggars cos they're poorer n everything, believe in christ cos he suffered for our sins...ie pity him cos the crown of thorns hurt etc...hiaz, well, i don't really think tt way...cos it sounds mean...(see what i mean, this is exactly his point!lack of pity=meaness!therefore refusal to be mean= wanting to pity/sympathise..) argh!!!the damn bk...

thankgdness am now reading happier fare which don't scew me up...yay! (gosh, i sound like an emotional basketcase, mood swinging in extremity)
utopia's slightly easier to get through, mainly cos it's happier (duh)...plus BR rox!!!power to "in praise of idleness" (hence title of this blog)..

ok, my mind's on quite a no. of things, attempting to shut out thoughts abt o results, which are tentatively out on fri 27/2....recurring nightmares of mrs lee handing out tissue paper to bawling crescentians.....NOOOO!!!!

please please let me be happy.
that IS too much to ask for.