I am a map that you redraw.
Follow it. The buried treasure is really there.What exists and what might exist are windowed together at the core of reality. All the separations and divisions and blind allies and impossibilities that seem so central to life are happening at its outer edges.If I cld follow the map further and if i cld refuse the false endings (the false starts don't matter), I could find the place where time stops. Where death stops. Where Love is.
I Love You.

bah, what right do i possess to write like that, I've never really liked anybody before, it may seem quite pathetic to others, sixteen and not a taste of inexorable, inexplicable love...All the pple around me are "falling in love", whatever that means.Lusting after someone?hah, plenty, but love, no one, i think..Love pierces the hands and feet, but all these psuedo-lovers, petrachan in their extolling and exaltation of love, a warped notion, too contrived.mayb i'm too disillusioned, indoctrinated by my parents' mantra, isn't their marriage a prime example of antilove? no, its not fair to say that, they've really started to bond more these past few years. it's been subtle, but definite. we're "independent" now, there's no need to run to mummy (daddy never filled the role of gibraltar anyway) everytime we fall..(though i feel ts still does that , perennially) The midnight dates, the quiet, temporary, but much needed escapades from the family, i can can only empathise and understand how irritating we can get..the ebullience when i'm around ta, when will i ever grow out of it? momentary exodus from finances, businesses, and the endless litany of problems that plague them.it's frustrating being married to my mom, she tires easily, making a ten-hour sleep ritual complusory.dad works until witching hour to put us up in this friggin place, which i think is a total waste of resources.(guilty of wastage sometimes...)hopefully we're mmoving soon, to a more economic venue.he'll get to sleep more then..wth, i mean he's forty plus already, the race is ending (the money-grubbing rat race, not the bigger one of lkife , god, i hope NOT) Love him more than i usually express it.
anyway, contemplating whether to continue running for council, with daph posted out..she seriously hates the idea of going to sa.."too distractive", she says..well, the august reputationand reverence gained fr studying in a top institution has been flung out, very unceremoniously, of the window (jonny taught me this bombastic f word w the same meaning, can't remember now.shit)whatever, does running alone really present me with an edge, cos i think to play on sympathy is underhanded..
yeah well, A11's class population has effectively been decimated with the new posting results..will miss daph... andrew made it back though, gd for him..somehow ppl have formed this impression that i have lesbo tendencies..(horrors!!)i'm not hompohobic, but i think tt's absolute shit.perfectly straight,oestrogen pumped, heterosexual girl you know...lol, mayb it's the rep of crescent working up again..
(lol..this part doesn't really connect, cos i decided to delete an embarressing thingy, now tt sen's in hc too..)
with keiffy, i think we've(almost) reached a state where its purely platonic, very comfortable with him, like with xq (no, tt's grossly unfair to xq, friend of 4 yrs, but u get my drift..)don't want this to change, i don't think we'll quarell, but drifting away seems like a ineluctable fate that has dealt its hand on so many friends whom i thought would stick around. shit, edi pops to mind, been reminicising alot lately, too often for comfort..whatever happened along the way?i'm getting tired of asking the same old question no one has an (acceptable) answer to. if by some sleight of destiny u read this, i'm sorry, let's not assign fault, let's not dwell, let's not dally in the valley(irreverent contribution..bathotic). no. do i want that, for us to start again after a gap of almost 2 years?is it a mere stasis of is it indicative of the end?do i care? do u?
stop making a scene..

but i'm not a playwright...

sometimes i want to go back to those years of innocence (its a paradox really..) rather than dither in the realms of torturous self-knowledge.
because,
nothing can come between us except each other.

Be careful of words,
even the miraculous ones.
For the miraculous ones we do our best,
sometimes they swarm like insects
and leave not a sting but a kiss.
They can be good as fingers.
They can be trusty as the rock
you stick your bottom on.
But they can be both daisies and bruises.

Yet I am in love with words.
They are doves falling out of the ceiling.
They are six holy oranges sitting in my lap.
They are the trees, the legs of summer,
and the sun, its passionate face.

Yet often they fail me.
I have so much I want to say,
so many stories, images, proverbs, etc.
But the words aren’t good enough,
the wrong ones kiss me.
Sometimes I fly like an eagle
but with the wings of a wren.

But I try to take care
and be gentle to them.
Words and eggs must be handled with care.
Once broken they are impossible
things to repair.

- Anne Sexton


ah well, campaign's going find so far, but will have to find a viable alternative to Powerpuff girls, I mean, that would mean total annihilation of my august rep.
i need something that screams "VOTE FOR ME!", but in a subtlely astute kind of way, like an aphorism or mind blowing revelation, something like "Just Do It".Why isn't that branding guru offering help where needed???screw starbucks, help tw out...ahh..when words fail me.
anyways, film soc meeting today only gathered momentum after me and peck sat down to discuss our film--alone..finally, free from abysmal ideas that i pretend to acquiesce to, but all the while cringing inside.I guess that's what you do when you have nothingelse to offer..thankfully, the new script thought up by peck and tw (mostly the latter..lol, it's true!Tw possesses immense creative flair!) is of a far superior standard of entertainment..lol.
the movie starts off surreptitiously as a quotidian cops and robbers cliche, BUT, it extends its insidiousness to the audience and lets them become embroiled in the perilous battle between religion and reality...muahaha, excessively bombastic sypnopsis of the movie...seriously, it goes on to explore the cantebury tales(yay!time spent reading those harrowingly morbid books on sec sch chronicling monstrosities did not go to waste!:)
poignant chess game(kudos to yours truly once again!) epitomises power struggle etc other related blasphemies...ahh, movie is looking very promising:)
ah well, enough of this shamelessly addictive ego trip...i can just envision everyone scrambling for a barf bag..trust me, i'm not usually like that...voyeuristic, maybe..egoistic? *whole Sg choruses in unison* NO WAY!!
this is not helping my case very much, issit?

but mr can you maybe listen there's
me &
some people
and others please
don'tconfuse.Some
people

's future is toothsome like
(they got
pockets full may take a littl
e nibble now And then
bite)candy

others
fly,their;puLLing:bright
futures
against the deep sky in

May mine's tou
ching this crump
led cap mumble some
thing to oh no
body will
(can you give
a)listen to
who may

you

be
any
how?
down
to
smoking
found
Butts

e. e. cummings

why must you psycho-analyse everyone? why must you paint a glorified caricature of the ppl e ard u? is it a vanity issue with u too? the seeming superiority of"understanding" three-mth friends, classifying us in ur warped filing system of humanity..trivalising our actions...

hiaz, class party on sat was a total drab...rain started evn before the fire cooked anything, lightning too threatening, which prevented me fr swimming..(though the lack of extra clothes n underwear posed a problem as well...i wouldn't mind borrowing ian's clothes, but he doesn't own bras, and i can't see myself in his mummy's..eww, tt's just plain wrong)
argh..had to borrow his clothes in th end, due to han's flouting of dunking etiquette...now my phone's ruined...argh...why did i not put it in a safer place?!?!why did i stand so close to the pool?!?!?!now i'm stuck w ian's phone for the next two weeks until the moron(han, not ian) gets me a new one..(ian's being terribly nice abt this whole debacle...which only serves to highlight what an asshole han is..)
anyway,got over the loss of my essential communication tool pretty quickly when wei xiang started preaching abt the lives of the less-fortunate...while less than extolling the merits of council...i'm still running though..if i get it, yay, but if i don't, i won't lose tooo much sleep over it..it's gonna be a major commitement, so ..better brace myself..
determined to use this one week to upgrade myself..finish all the books i set out to read..keep abreast w schwork...ah well, and mourn the passing on of my 6610..lol,i'll live..
sounded pretty pensive on my last entry, but sen, somehow ur comment on it being "nice and deep" seemed to ..i dunno...diminish it?nvm though...
qingy..let's play tennnis again, but mayb somewhere more convenient (sorry sen for making use of ur condo facilities..)how abt the cc? badminton's fine too...

ah well, episode on Os will be conveniently skipped over and forgotten, though truth be told, i'm fed up abt crying and whining...to hell w moe...screw my future..

cip today was really sad...
students didn't know the meaning of words like "noble", n i cldn't explain simplistically...they're
not exactly deprived...
just unfulfilled...
but i don't know of what..
i can't give them love, cos i've only known them for 1 hr, so pity's the next alt.

i never saw my "adopted child" agin..nurul aieen..tt was...still is her name... i promised to bring her out to macdonalds..her face is still a fresh memory, untarnished by modern discourse...she was never the friendly kind..i so wanted to connect, but i don't know, maybe it was the lang. barrier..but my eng's not too shabby..ironically, tt might just be the reason. suddenly have this inexpressible aching to envelope her in a hug...my coccon's big enough for two...she's small anyway...tragically, i doubt she even has an inkling as to who i am.. it's been two yrs..
don't want this blog to degenerate into some contrived emotional dumping ground, where the poetry sux n content is self-centric/hedonistic blah.
pple in class r so dreary...planning to run for council, but not sure i can make it... so i'll just be brushing up on pr skills..(i was never the eyelash fluttering girl who commanded attention...more of the wallflower stereotype, which i used to think i was the antithesis of)but apparently not)=>did this make sense? try to decipher it.
i used to think guides was a fulfilling cca, but can't bear to recall those days of searing naivety...encapsulated in self constructed coccoon...
msn is starting to be a really jejunic place...where pple lament abt their "angst" and "pent up emotions". those words have started to take a toll on me.... but i can't seem to find a suitable synonym...sadly, i am one of the uncountable whining bitches...wth, i have clothes on my back, there's no need to worry abt where my next meal will come from, i sleep in airconditioned comfort, for pete's sake, i even have a television!!!!stop complaining already, u only sound like a trite humanitarian wannabe...why do i reduce myself with fatuous insults?is it a vanity issue or a patina of staged humility? i guess "or" should be replaced by "and"...

phantom readers (ie pple other than xq, sen, sher, pls continue to lead a nondescript existence, don't let me find out you've been reading my blog w/o my knowledge, not so much because i'll be pissed (tt's only to a small extent), but more abt the awkwardness when there's knowledge and intimacy that's not mutual. cutting words, but tt's how i want it to be...
council preparational jobs have not been done so far, but none of my running mates seem to really care, wait tt's a grossly bigoted statement..daph's serious, but ritch is showing leanings of wanting to drop out, she sounded the warning alarm today with an emotional confessional ..it didn't really achieve the therapeutic effect i was yearning for, instead, it festered like a noxious miasmata contemplating implosion...
weird imagery of myself as physical harbour for all this antagonism, antipathy...

there seems to be no real impt point tt i want to drive home (quote rm: drive it home with a headlight)..really..haven't experienced the calling yet...spiritually disconnected..i'm not even a sunday christian, more like, i try to be a nice person, but i don't take into account ecclesiastical concerns...

hah, "u suck so bad u swallow",(han's famous lingo) it's most prob the only thing i'll remember abt han 10 yrs down. will i even remember him...yes, because he's the biggest a**hole in class...wadeva, if u're reading this,bugger off, though i should think not, if the sacred trinity hasn't betrayed my trust... it's just really impt to me to keep this site private...

beginning to lose touch w some ppl, whom i used to spend so much time with in the past, but now hardly manage to keep a conversation alive...sad really.. reminder of wilted friendships, and a certain E comes to mind, i've never really mentioned her before here. have i? we used to be so close..nostalgia flooding in torrents...i'm not waving, but drowning..there are even flashes of times when i can't remember the shape of her face, her fingers, which used to be comforting whenever we did tt hand patting thing tt now only xq does (u know, the one where both of us link hands and clap our hands together softly?) it provides a maternal succour i can't find in my own mother...shit, getting teary...
why did the imbecilic shit abt the jw girl even occur?!?! i still don't comprehend...i mean wth...i said bye to her (E, not jw) the other day when she crashed hc, but attempt at reconciliation was flatly ignored with the nonchalant flick of her hair, and she gave me the cheek profile...her nose turned up, not in a snobbish way, but in a knowing disregard..and it hurt to see tt she's deteriorated into such a petty creature (the irony is sorely not missed here, omnipresent in the spiteful description).
ah well, kieffy beefy advised me to let it go..he's been one of, if not the sweetest guy in class, i hope it works out b/w him n zing (honestly, i try to help, it's just tt he lacks self assurance sometimes...)
shit, been online for way too long...
tw resumes mechanical, indomitable mugging front...

Margaret Cho in response to Bush's statement on same-sex marriage
hilarious.


"An amendment to the Constitution is never to be undertaken lightly."

Nor shall it be used to buy more time in office.


"After more than two centuries of American
jurisprudence and millennia of human experience, a few judges and local authorities are presuming to change the most fundamental institution of civilization."


After two centuries of prejudice and non-inclusive laws, and the millennia of human experience, which has had its share of genocide, slavery, calamity, destruction and death, not to mention your term in office, finally some brave souls are willing to take a stand for the true meaning of equality and justice, not to mention love.

this sounds sad, but the biggest event of my life's gonna take place tomorrow (technically, it took place last nov, but it's a continuation).
argh, just let me make it back..
if fate conspires against me, i shall have to erase all the previous entreis, cos it wld be just too painful to look at them and be reminded...

what wld i do with the badge? the pe shirt? the waterbottle? the books? the friends? the spirit? the memory?

i sound cheesy, but tt's seriously the way i feel...
i shall compose a love song/poet (a sonnet's still way out of my league):


brain breathed air,
with sinews waving
or are they drowning?
one digresses

blue lipped thumb kissing the paper...
signing my life away
if i 'm accepted, i'm
c o n n e c t e d
for real?

shadowy monster of a fallen past
wasted in yellowy crust
burnt, charred
wasted

the irony...
migrating from one yellow city
to another.
sour lemons to swallow

don't cringe
when u binge,
rocking off ur hinge
FLINCH

shallow accusations
from a hypocritical poet.
too unaccustomed
to a hopeless hope

the handsome female
with her psuedo-inspiring speeches
"go team go!"
before the torrent
of tears, of tears
ripping

paper, will i do it
will u hear it?
kowtow to toilet paper.
cavity filled solace
with the brown recycled bits
encouragingly utilised.

kleenex is too soft anyway.

16 on the table
will it rise
when the bags are stripped
at 2.30 27 feb 04?

comments?
feel free to criticise..

alrighty, went to the acjc funorama expecting to see some eyecandy (hey, i am permitted to have some fun aren't i?)...sadly, there was a dearth of cand(Y)dates at the fair(muahaha, i'm getting quite good at this abyssmal punning thing..*collective groan*) , but the reputedly hottest guy in sch went ard with the words "spank me" slapped across his ass..unfortunately, i did not get to see this ... but, judging fr lucinda's response (she gave him 12 out of 10), he's gotta be pretty hot...

anyway, had an empowering talk with sher, which prompted her much delayed awakening.. today's the first time i've ever heard of her volunteering to do some charity work..she's made a list of all her goals (realistic ones, if i might add), and she promised to try to be more socially aware...yeah, sher used to be so confined in her own personal sphere, i mean, it's bad enough she's got no clue as to who Dick Cheney is, but : "Blair?? Hmmm... sounds familiar, that guy.." just takes the cake. glad she's taking a more active role in her own life. inspired me to be more determined..
1.)shall not be shallow ie judging ppl based on their looks/sch
2.)shall not suffer fr lack of self-esteem "everyone's better than me syndrom"
*note: kick my ass if i whine abt "perfect" pple fr now on.
3.)study harder, try to concentrate more intensely in class, esp econs
4.)try to read ahead
5.)try to be nicer to family members
ah well.. the litany goes on...

my spiritual health is sadly deteriorating... nietzche is screwing me up... the most disturbing thing is, i actually find myself agreeing with some of the things he said... some say he's a farce, but isn't christianity a religion fundamentally based on the concept of pity? the bible tells us to be nice to beggars cos they're poorer n everything, believe in christ cos he suffered for our sins...ie pity him cos the crown of thorns hurt etc...hiaz, well, i don't really think tt way...cos it sounds mean...(see what i mean, this is exactly his point!lack of pity=meaness!therefore refusal to be mean= wanting to pity/sympathise..) argh!!!the damn bk...

thankgdness am now reading happier fare which don't scew me up...yay! (gosh, i sound like an emotional basketcase, mood swinging in extremity)
utopia's slightly easier to get through, mainly cos it's happier (duh)...plus BR rox!!!power to "in praise of idleness" (hence title of this blog)..

ok, my mind's on quite a no. of things, attempting to shut out thoughts abt o results, which are tentatively out on fri 27/2....recurring nightmares of mrs lee handing out tissue paper to bawling crescentians.....NOOOO!!!!

please please let me be happy.
that IS too much to ask for.

for all the suckers, oops, no, lovers out there, here's wishing you a happy valentine week:

VALENTINE

Not a red rose or a satin heart.
I give you an onion.
It is a moon wrapped in brown paper.
It promises light
like the careful undressing of love.

Here.
It will blind you with tears
like a lover.
It will make your reflection
a wobbling photo of grief.

I am trying to be truthful.

Not a cute card or a kissogram.

I give you an onion.
Its fierce kiss will stay on your lips,
possessive and faithful
as we are,
for as long as we are.

Take it.
Its platinum loops shrink to a wedding-ring,
if you like.

Lethal.
Its scent will cling to your fingers,
cling to your knife.

Carol Ann Duffy

ok, don't know how to put this, but this is another highly amusing episode..
see, i find this guy in chinese class (hereby known as j) cute.the disturbing fact is, he looks like ta, and (here's the really sordid part), according to countless people, i look like ta, so, by proxy, the guy i find cute (j) looks like me. muahahah, this brings us to a whole new level of narcissim, doesn't it? the person i love most is....tada!! myself!!!..yay, seems like i haven't got any major self-esteem problems.it's always a pleasure to reaffirm tt. finished watching a prog on discovery yesterday (sexual chemistry), quite interesting really.it places the whole chemistry thing in a primal, scientific perspective (sounds somewhat paradoxical, but tt's why the prog's interesting).it's been proven tt pple are attracted to others who look like themselves.(which is true, since i'm only taking j at face value, we haven't even had a decent conversation yet, but i don't think i'll like his personality v. much => hallmarks of classic acs(I) boy...too flirtatious,egoistical,etc
anyway, back to the prog...mentioned the golden ratio, which i had given up trying to calculate yrs back, but, took to another (crude) measurement of "beauty":symmetry.spent considerable amt of time (10 min)trying to find out if my mug is symmetrical.gave up too, cos i think u need the help of a computer with this one.lol.
ah yes, the topic of valentine's day..whatever, have decided to adopt a cynical standpoint...crass commercialisation blah blah blah...apologies to all hopeless (in all senses of the word) romantics out there, but seriously, $25 for a stalk of roses?!?!?and it doesnt even talk!the rose, i mean, not the guy, though some might beg to differ...ah well, nvmind.been playing love consultant to quite a no. of ppl..hahaha, enjoying it a bit....(tw bursts out laughing at this moment)the cheap thrill of potentially dictating another person's love life is always appealing. muahaha..tw can't stop guffawing...can't stop.....ok, stopped.
anway, back to the topic (this line has been used too often for comfort, i shall either stop digressing or find a more stylish way of reminding myself to stop crapping), all the lovestruck pple ard me are hysterical...the way they moan, wail, weep etc on abt their lovers (does another less eroticized synonym exist?) is really hilarious...the gd thing is, it puts off the whole notion of "love", so thankfully, i take pride in not succumbing to the "throes of passion" (i almost expect myself to crank out some erotic prose at this juncture). i shall now take this opp. to campaign for celibacy!!!yeah!!!anyway, i hope i don't dish out (too) crappy advice...lol.i'm not taking this too seriously, am i?

“Frailty of understanding is in itself no proper target for scorn and mockery. But the unintelligent forfeit their claim to compassion when they begin to indulge in self-complacent airs, and to call themselves sane critics, meaning that they are mechanics. And when, relying on their numbers, they pass from self-complacency to insolence, and reprove their betters for using the brains which God has not denied them, they dry up the fount of pity.”
A E Houseman
Muahaha...caustic lines to keep for future reference...ie, scolding ta...childish...who cares, it's my blog.

yay, no sch today...hc's radical in this sense, experimenting w reforms n stuff eg, no o levels, no syllabus(there's this coolweek coming up where there are no classes, you can choose what you wanna learn fr courses available eg juggling, poetry writing,opera..u get e pic)....the students r not adverse to it though, staying at home and "going to sch via the internet, the wonders of modern tech"...
the ivle site is jammed now though, so i'm whiling away time waiting for others to log off so i can complete my assignments. gp assg. is pretty intresting, we had to choose to review poetry,songs,prose and movies...
the choices are cool: avril lavigne's sk8ter boi compared to wilfrid Gibson's Girl Song. for movies, they had roystan tan's fifteen, which i've been wanting to watch for THE longest time, but cos of rating problems n the fact tt it's no longer on the circuit, i missed it.so, YAY!


quite comforted that i've at least read some of the required texts before, was extremely worried that i wouldn't have even heard of the authors...
they've even included Adolescence, a poem i remember fr sec 3 mid yr lit exam!!lol...

trying to find my exam paper, so i can reuse my work again, tt's not really cheating...cos it's my work, n it can't be constituted as plagiarisation..lol.anyways, don't think i scored too high a mark on tt one ...

had a depressing talk on fri w k n r, which really screwed me up..never realised tt the class has been putting up individual facades of being happy people, to put in simplistic terms..discovered tt many are screwed badly...i mean, on medication for depression?!?! slitting one's wrists?!?! i've contemplated suicide before, but let's face it, who hasn't in this day n age...i've never really carried out my macabre fantasies before though..whether this stems from sensibility/cowardice/intergrity..i don't know.

am determined not to be influenced by them, i want to help, but it seems i'm too easily swayed, tell me a soppy tale n i empathize so much tt besides tearing, i join u in ur misery...ie. wanna commit suicide? there's a 50% chance i'll join u.largely affected my mood, to say the least. was a sullen sulk the whole wkend...this bunch is seriously wrecked, spent 1/2 surfing my first porn site, after indoctrination fr classmates who enjoy gay manga n the like...suffered fr contritions for the next few days, was so replused at myself. thankfully, i have forgiven myself by explaining tt this is a turbulent phase tt ALL teens go thru, n i shld put it behind me n move on..i hope god understands...seriously.

fortunately, regained composure after 2 hr chat w xq, so, if u're reading this, thanks! i think our calls on fri, though they take up alot of time (at least 1 hr each time, lol), are actually quite helpful.Ah, sudden outburst of gratitude to xq...betcha ur teary now...lol.

this blog had better be only read by e five people commissioned to read it..imagine the humiliation if classmates get hold of it.
argh.noooo......

The Antichrist-FRIEDRICH W. NIETZSCHE.

Piece Of Difficult Reading which I have decided to shelve until I develope a more profound mentality, pointless to read it now, because most of it is incomprehensible...

Have taken to Teng Qian Xi and Alfian's writing after an introduction by Perry. Those inspired to publish their own tomes and make it to the List Of Great Asian Writers should read her blog at tengqianxi.diaryland.com. The link to Alfian's site can be found there.

Am currently considering whether or not, to sign up for HSSRP, the mentorship programme in alliance with NUS, which would definitely be a glowing point on oe's resume, but concerns rise over ability to cope with the A's simultaneously...Once again, the Law of Diminishing Marginal Returns can serve its application here...If I ever decide to go for it, I'll most prob do my thesis on sociology: Relations across cultures and nations. that or an in depth discussion about homosexuality in modern theatre...(Bent seems to be a pretty good play to start from, if i have even seen it in the first place...the r(a) rating was a hindrance...lol)

the abhoringly stringent selection process is a downer, only ONE student made it last year...so i think i'll sign up for CAP, which in my opinion isn't as demanding... I HOPE.

just for the fun of it, i'll tell a dirty joke (as told to me by a certain lame senior):

A man felt the need to shit, so he went to the nearest toilet to shit. After shitting, he found out there was no shitwipe available, so he clean himself with his hands. After he got out of his cubicle, he saw a machine which instructed him to put his hand in the slot, because :"ALL THING PUT IN HERE WILL BECOME CLEAN"
the man did just that, and a person on the otherside bashed his hand, the following conditioned involuntary reaction caused him to stick his hand in his mouth. tada...clean hands.
tada...my dirty joke of the day.

bleah, losing my sense of humor, need to meet up with xq and gang soon to remind myself of how i used to be a funny girl. Lol. =)

tagboard has mysteriously been erased from blog...
this technical idiot will have to paste it on all over again...
went for MacRitchie run today...have come to realise tt am not in very good shape...i had to stop halfway!!!this is definitely the last straw for miss tay..a crescentian not even being able to complete the measly x-country.
anyway, have already planned my leeway...acjc! when i'm kicked out fr hc (perennial concern)...will join jeanne there in creating havoc..she seems to be having fun...
have to be fully geared up for econs test this fri so tt when i beg barnard later on, i have e saving gracept of doing well in his first test (doubt tt will happen too)

mugger toads
sheesh, promised in sec sch tt i'll not be relegated to the ranks of THEM, they who terrorise the dark side. this is not how i envied my spectrum of social life to be... slowly effacing away, erased by the "invisible hand"(#a.smith) of HC.

however, constant reminders abound tt main aim is to procure a decent scholarship, and am getting too obessive for comfort over my cv...pragmatism kicks in as i evaluate everthing using opp. cost analysis. if marginal costs are greater than marginal benefits, DON'T DO IT!
if point is currently under the ppb => under-utilisation of finite resources, therefore, need to INCRESE EFFICIENCY!
sigh, you get the gist...
sloman is now the MAN in my life, i breathe, eat, sleep,think,dream sloman. L will become inspiration for mugging. Cancel all social activites for the next 700 days or so, give and take a few exceptions (holidays, birthdays..one can't expect me to study everyday right?)
inspite of seemingly noble aspirations to confine myself to a virtual prison, have arranged plans to crash mjc,acjc,ajc and hopefully njc n rjc.
muahaha...the hypocrisy of it all, i think it makes me feel comforted/secured just to write my "vision" down...it suggests a finality and to some degree, however remote, that it might actually be realised.
tt's my problem, i don't want to mug, but i worry about not mugging, so i end up lazing, but not fully appreciating the idleness of my physical form, therefore, i try to engage in some primal brain activity, which brings me back to the pt of why i'm not mugging.being too idealistic here, visualised an instituition whereby we go there to discuss philosophy,the deeper meaning of life etc, but not to sit exams for it, cos the whole debate abt ethics being examinable soon kicks in w great vigour...
ahhh...debate..not making much progress, first real debate next week, still have'nt received the motion.suitably impressed (as usual) w the speakers today. i think i'm impressed by everything, which just goes to show how narrow/shallow we were in crez, maybe it's just me though (most prob...lol)...
i wanna go to india. but tt's another long entry tt wld interupt my essential beauty sleep.see what i mean??? i'm too concerned with trivial issues like sleeping at least 8 hrs per day. shall dream of india then.

Tong Wei has realised that HC students are, in essence, undoubtedly normal people after all - they are atill ceaselessly amused by macabre sexual fantasies, they are all pornography-loving, lecherous individuals at heart. Ian's revelation tt Keith's virginal looking hamsters are in reality agents of porn.This set Tong Wei off waxing lyrical about the libido of today's youths.

Tong Wei is also greatly impressed with poem by Dawn Lim from the next class:

appropriate days and impossible nights

shiva god
of destruction

and wrath i will walk barefoot over fire
to you, body smeared

with ash, hands washed
by their blood self-sacrifice my cry

to you to destroy
the flesh, distill the spirit

from the broken slate
of my body where i will rewrite

this new testament of faith so you find
in me the paradox of our land, where destruction

is a form of creation seeing
is believing the resurrected truth as we

hold up flags that cover
the bareness of the walls beneath,

the bareness of discoloured skin.

*

a temple that reverberates with a multitude of noises intrusion
of too many sounds assaulting one
another : heavy
scent of jasmine flowers dancing in air piquant
with tumeric that descends like orange pollen dust
upon hair evening

prayer call from the nearby mosque, sonorous
and low, entering with a breeze that disconcerts
the gods, stirs
the strings of mango leaves – they fall
like the plaintive chant of a priest trying to relight
candles in the dark

sound dis con
nected sound dislocated prayer interjected prayer
interrupted a teak cage,
bright, red
structure the shape
of a pomegranate on the other end of the street
where a bird is singing chi chi chi, sharp
and shrill, over
the distant

churchbells on the first sunday
of the month, laughing in naïve
optimism to the discordant clatter of cowbells
over the gopuram where a woman kneels, whispers diffusing
into the midday heat god hear
our prayers god hear our prayers god hear
our prayers through our temple’s
porous walls the wail
of a little girl squirming in a sari 1 yard and a quarter
too long tracking the dust
from the road outside onto the floor where an old man
in a white dhotti is washing his feet and face, each drop
of water catching the sunlight like splinters of a mirror

*

to my land besieged
by the vision of itself
it will stagger towards, step
by bitter step when you have reached
that point of no return, remember –

tell me the shape
of your face as you see how i must
see it: i will assimilate it
into mine, following your steps a blind
prophet, making my pilgrimmage barefoot
towards the realms of the gods

and hearing nothing
on the edge of this epiphany, except
the sound of my jagged breathing

*

there are appropriate
hot days with good weather
when we visit sri nananana temples with maps and printouts
while sipping vending machine coke
by postcard stands

and impossible nights, crisp
with rain that veils
the slumber of gods

a net,
filtering
the luminescence of the city:
bad luck.

this is where i want
to stand alone, holding
nothing but the imagined
darkness where there are only
prayers with no words: their verses
the silence held in broken hands.


:: dawn lim



Tong Wei finds this piece of literary gem deserving a mention on her blog, and resolves to start her own portfolio so that she can apply to be enrolled in the Creative Arts Programme (CAP). Mandatory to include diff styles of writing, preferably genre-specific in the categories of prose, poetry, plays and novels.

It is highly impossible that Tong Wei will be able to crank out 10 stunning works of art within the next month, therefore, Tong Wei has to start firing away immediately. Sadly, Tong Wei is suffering from sever writer's block, but she of high morality refuses to plagarise anybody's work. However, she also feels that the sharing of work would/should not be compromising her saintly principles.

Ahh..the visiting frenzy has somewhat calmed down now, realised that it's getting harder to extricate myself fr holiday mood...don't really wanna go back on mon, though e subs are fun n all, but they're kinda brain-draining.. was pissed on tues cos of some STUPID bimbo remark by han, but discovered he ribs everyone, so shall not take it to heart.
h:"say something smart, i'm sure it's not that difficult, go on, try.."
t:"what do u want to hear?"
h:"oooo, that's certainly really smart"
t:(super pissed by now)"fine, we could discuss bertrand russell, but i doubt you'd understand"
h:(question mark)
t:"muahahaha"(silently) mortally offended now, go away until i'm no longer pissed(verbally)"
humph, mcp...common lingo mr macho man spouts:"bah, women, what do THEY know?" and the like.nvm, resolve not to bicker w him, and take all that he says w a pinch of salt, no, make that a packet...
anyway, cny was fun, though tiring, period pains struck yest, which made it unbearable to sit up, had to go to anchorpoint to buy pink panadol...to make things worse, it started raining on the way back, so had to call dad to pick me up...Embarrassing when i had to explain cause of stomachache...
plus, hinted to relatives that hc is only a temp. jc, avoid setting myself for total humiliation if i get booted out after march....argh!!!plus, found out that the humans scholarship is actually quite hard to obtain, so will not pin too high hopes on that one as well..
on a lighter note, spent last two days watching incredibly crap movies which were surprisingly entertaining, in part due to goodlooking leads...eg, just one look on ch u last night, the movie had absolutely no pt at all, but the shawn yue guy was cute..
better movies over the wkend include infernal affairs 2, ohmygosh, edison chen was soooo cute, the way he smiles, blah blah blah...(someone kick my ass now) the movie was superb, very sad, though character development wasn't a strong suit, but plotlines were gripping, very sad n touching, major reason movie being gd is tt edison chen played a small part, he wld otherwise have ruined the movie..(one has to admit tt even though he looks like adonis, he hardly has any talent, i mean, for pete's sake, have you heard him SING?!?!?!)
rewatched a la follie pas du tout again, which was a joy, i like the twist, sudden change of viewpt...clever, wanna write a script like tt....wicked...
plus, we are "now enjoying a free preview of star chinese, which would end on 22 feb"
intend to fully utilise free ch...muahahaha...
gongxifacai to all...

ah well, it's been along time since i updated... hectic times are ahead...the excitement has orn off and the fear and trepidation has sunk in. I have found out that not only are the students of hc og genius proportions, they are an extremely talented bunch as well, who write poetry in their free time, argue about bush's ridiculous policies, and still find time do obtain diplomas in piano and stay super goodlooking, esp. the girls..

Seriously wish i had more nurturing while growing up, why oh why did i give up piano lessons?!?!? so what if the teacher was a total bitch???
nevermind, resolve to memorise the world atlas like everyonelse has already done.

Anyway, the good thing is that i enjoy the classes here, extremely thought-provoking, which we didn't really have at crescent...lol. now interested in nicholas steiner and thomas malthus, which i strongly recommend all jc 1 students to read up on (though i may have spelt ol'nick's name wrongly here). Economics is esp fun, primarily because barnard is so nasty... inspired to read the good book(no, not that one, sadly, but the John sloman one)..Speaking of which, seriously need to "Strengthen spiritual ties with the lord", not to sound too like a pompous git though...
In sch now, because blasted com at home has once again failed me...i am mortally disappointed in my family's lack of knowledge on computing basics...someone apparently reset the internet settings thing, which has caused a huge fiasco.
Anyway, my new catchphrase is ceteris paribus, which is sometimes highly unattainable, but nevertheless sought after...
Auditioned for the arts fac drama fest yesterday, the script ws sooo bad, i can'y believe judith huang wrote it, i mean , i actually cut out her poems and keep them, for pete's sake... i auditioned for the role of barbie, which is a really sad role, cos all the lines she spouts are amazingly disgusting..eg"ewww, ohmygosh"(in a high-pitched american accented voice) and as everybody know, my american accent sucks!! I only do Brits... lol.Pretty sure i screwed up, but i'm hoping for an extra part as the tealady/butler's assistant or something... a shrub even.
Oh yes, will absolutely have to talk about my DREADFUL sorethraot which led to a fever (38.6 degrees celcius!!!), which led to awful mood swings eg glaring at everyone... thankfully much better now, or at least, in a better mood...
Minor accident yesterday, when xq called, and i bent over to reach for the phone, accidentally knocked into sis's specs, which almost broke (note:the operative here is ALMOST), she ended up wailing for an hour... i think the specs weren't the centrl problem, more like the stress all pent up in her...sec 3's pretty tough...Boy, i'm so understanding it's staring to scare me.
bye , off to start on my wonderful reading list...

Technically wasted the whole day in school, which kicked off with a shocking speech from Barnard about "Mickey mouse" time. i.e. playing time, and how it is unadvisable to totally slacken... duh, quite inspired after that actually, but my gung-ho spirit about mugging lasted for only 1/2 hr when we went to the library to find out about the implications of the us dollar depreciating.... quite interesting, really. Anyway, went to ikea with mates to eat the "famous" swedish meatball, which i thought amounted to daylight robbery, $8.80 for a stupid combo meal which wasn't in the least bit filling.. Sneaked some free coke when waiter wasn't looking though..hahah, cheapo...Then, went all the way back to school, supposedly to attend debate auditions, but sidetracked instead, and spent the remaining time at choir audtions, which was fun\, listening to other pple sing..Joined in a medley of karaoke hits with mates, including spice girls, mariah carey, celine dion, our HC songs, which totally rock.. I found out that Liang Wenfu (some famous local songwriter)was actually an ex-hwachongian, and he wrote fab songs like xi shui chang liu, dang ni gu dan ni hui xiang qi shui, and a whole host of other soppy chinese ballads, which he reportedly wrote when he was still a student in HC, bemoaning the loss of the school building, (which was deemed unstable in 1991, and had to be torn down and rebuilt), and the friends he'd be leaving behind. The lyrics are seriously tear -inducing, plus, we used to sing some of them back in crescent as well.... so that's really cool, but kinda irritating as well, because i can't get the friggin melodies out of my head.
anyways, shall end off the entry with a poem by Peter Larkin:

This Be the Verse

They fuck you up, your mum n dad,
They may not mean to , but they do
They fill u with the faults theuy had,
n add some extra, just for u.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old style hats and coats,
who half the time were sloppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man,
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as u can,
and don't have any kids yourself.

I think I'm getting a tad too obsessive with this blog thing, I feel compelled to update it every single waking min.Bad for internet bills, time wastage blah blah blah.Anyway, Orientation was unforgettable, mostly because of the bonding.. Have I talked about the play we put up? Co-wrote the script, so yeah, quite proud of it. The pole dancing segment was the most hilarious, Lucas performed his dominatrix act complete with his trusty metal chain, which he licked/chewed on during the dance. Super cringe-worthy. Have to consider videotaping his act and post it online. Yay, will finally fulfil dream of producing(in the technical sense) a porn flick.yuck, can't believed I typed that.

Anyway, today was a rather lazy day, simply could not get through the anthology of poems. Went out just now with family to Chinatown for some festive shopping, but there's really nothing to elaborate on, usual bickering with TA, I mean why can't I stop?!??!?! Argh!!!!! This is ruining my life, I swear talking/looking at him makes my blood pressure shoot up a few notches. Will not suffer from hypertension because of TA. CHILL TW!
Just finished reading everyone's blog, and discovered that all of us have evolved dramatically within the space of a few weeks.Sher was waxing lyrical about her poly/jc dilemma... Robert Frost rocks!Sen was gushing abt her sch mate...Qing coming into her own as she discovers her hidden talent for sports...Really want all of them to come to HC, simply because ...don't know how to put in in words.Well, firstly because i'm there..(hah, narcisstic view to be ignored), but also because it truly is a wonderful place. Now that i'm there, i feel tinges of regret about my time in crescent, you know passing my days as a wallflower, obsessed with studying. Realised that after i've left, Crescent will be no different than when i entered, it would be as if i never existed. Suddenly, all those activities that used to occupy my time now seem so trivial. I mean guides isn't exactly a very fulfilling cca, sure, we had some good times, but y'know, they were sorta, i dunno, average? I wanna run for council, but being a minority student there, that seems a little far-fetched (that's an understatement, i'm like the only crescentian there), plus i don't know if i'm the PR sort, going around campaigning and stuff.Don't know yet, it's a little early for speculation now, since elections are in may, and i'm still having nightmares about being booted out of HC after the release of the results.

Tried to revisit the past by going through sec 4 math notes, albeit failing, my memory is more short-termed than celebrity weddings.tis a sad state of affairs...
So now, an idle mind breeds morbidity. Otherwise known as perverse thoughts, I came up with this list, (though not exactly by myself, had help from weird medical book..)

Top ten things that pop out of women's vaginas(collectively known as babies):

1.Harlequin: Looks like a hippo.Skin is covered with thick, horny scales and plates.

2.Acephalobrachia: Lacks both arms and head.

3.Cephalomeus: Arm or leg protrudes from head

4.Cephalolthoracopagus: Twins united at the head/neck/chest.(more commonly referred to as siamese twins)

5.Cryptodidymis: Twins in which one fetus is entirely hidden within the body of the other. (watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding for more info)

6.Hemicephalus: half a brain (i actually know some people plagued by this most unfortunate condition)

7.Hemiacephalus: No brain (ditto above)

8. Holocardius armophus: A blob

9.Holocardius acephalus: No heart,head,chest

10.Holocardius acormus: Just a head (my personal favorite)

I think I'm seriously sick.

Moving on to lighter, funnier jokes:

Q: How did Hitler solve the inflation crisis pronlem during WWII?

A: By letting out the gas - deflation

Geddit?Hahahahaha