hmm, wonder what would happen if blogspot crashed and erased all my entries.

 
anyway. not in school now, cos lessons have been cancelled due to 3/4 of the class having to go for some seminar. but whatever, promised to write out my econs notes in preparation of next week's test. lol, obviously am not doing that. reading tony harrison now, don't really get him, cos he's too euro-centric. the lingo he uses, eg ARV, fannies,desert rats,loiner. what the hell are those...sigh, too lazy to find out from mr perry, plus, he'll probably have to end up explaining the whole friggin book. suffice to say it's something abt war, i think...or sex, but the 2 are often confused.

The Bedbug

"Comrade, with your finger on the playback switch,
listen carefully to each love-moan,
and enter in the file which cry is real, and which
a mere performance for your microphone."

Tony Harrison

argh, am irritated with jonny. but i will try and maintain my position as one of the last few people who have not screamed at him. nuff of small irritants, everybody come for hcjc homecoming carnival!! have only manage to sell $5 worth if tix to qing. hopefully, brian can come and thus in doing so contribute to the "save ooitw's" money movement.
yay! hope the carnival will be a blast, though, arguably, the sch's not tt psyched up for it, not my class anyway. everyone's complaining abt how stupid it is, how the admin sux blah blah blah. seriously, why can't everyone just be enthusiastic abt it, since we keep complaining tt e sch's boring. major problem with some ppl is that when u give them what they ask for, they complain.

choosy.

want to write abt how certain ppl are bitching abt the new geog teacher, which is  absolutely disgusting thing (the bitching, not the teacher, surprisingly). it sounds petty in words, but those ppl are seriously kinda two-faced, esp ruimin (whom i've been (yay!) (brackets within brackets are damn funky! ok, sorry, digression)successfully trying to tolerate since jan) who's all funny and teasing during lessons, but bitches like ______(can't find a suitably acerbic simile - you get the point) when dear miss lim steps out. give her a break, she's doing her best, and it's not that bad anyway. though i might be speaking too early, since i have yet to be tested on anything she's taught us.

the full blow of how lousy my block tests results has finally hit me, after i received my lit results. miserly B (why?!?! am i condemned to B status forever?!?!) gahh. econs results are shit. math was shit too. geog, lol, duh, was shit too (damned physical geog).

overheard some seniors talking to barnard abt applying to study ppe/law/art/eng lit/other esoteric forms of academia usually unapplicable to a pragmatic life (except perhaps law n econs)  etc in cambridge/oxford/king;s college/london sch of econs (LSE)/brown's => uk
                        harvard/stanford/yale/nyu/usc/mit/columbia/cornell => us

evil clever ppl!!argh!! my parents have specified that if i can't get a scholarship overseas, then i'm not going...will have to suffer in NUS. not that it's sub-standard or anything academically speaking, to be fair,, it's just that it's going to be so boring..can u imagine, i'll be in s'pore forever. i know i wanna be in s'pore eventually n ultimately, but i wanna taste the otherside (whatever that is). can't belive i'm still figuring out trigo 3D. how the hell ami supposed to win a friggin scholarship if i'm struggling with such a puerile subject like maths?!?! lol, i have abt 9 more wks to redeem myself. sigh.

i always picture myself studying in some cool uk university (with victorian clock towers in the background, slightly ominously grey skies, juxtaposed against green lawns, my aging but still superbly brilliant and caustic professor beside my with a group of like-minded friends, all of us wrapped up in coats and other whatnots, we'll be planning to visit the graveyard at westminister abbey after classes, we'll ride our bikes there,and rest them by the tombstones of some long dead but not forgotten general and _____)

either the utopia above or this:

whirling fans in my small room at nus, where a lizard will be irritating me every night, i'll attend lectures held by 50  yr olds with unbelievably bad sense of humour, or in worse cases, none at all. there will be no wind, no lush lawns. i will arrange to meet my friends at the same old olace we go everyday -orchard road. we'll walk down the same streets that are changing every month, but bringing nothing new. our most exciting haunt will be some sad place like zouk. let's face it, we're geographically deprived. ah well, better prepare myself for nus.

horrors! it has suddenly struck me that nus is difficult to get into too!!!what the friggin hell would happen if i can't get in there?!?! omg, i think i'll just follow zarine's plan and spend all my money on cosmetic surgery and a one way ticket to harvard, where i'll hopefully meet some rich kid, marry him, kill him, inherit his money and repeat procedure with rich 99 yr old man.

gaahhhhh.what the hell am i talking about.
i'm gonna stop worrying and occupy myself with nice 16/17 yr old stuff.
i'm planning to dye my hair black! hurrah for this satorical revolution!!

Without You.Without you every morning would feel like going back to work after a holiday, Without you I couldn't stand the smell of the East Lancs Road, Without you ghost ferries would cross the Mersey manned by skeleton crews, Without you I'd probably feel happy and have more money and time and nothing to do with it, Without you I'd have to leave my stillborn poems on other people's doorsteps, wrapped in brown paper, Without you there'd never be sauce to put on sausage butties, Without you plastic flowers in shop windows would just be plastic flowers in shop windows, Without you I'd spend my summers picking morosley over the remains of train crashes, Without you white birds would wrench themselves free from my paintings and fly off dripping blood into the night, Without you green apples wouldn't taste greener, Without you Mothers wouldn't let their children play out after tea, Without you every musician in the world would forget how to play the blues, Without you Public Houses would be public again, Without you the Sunday Times colour suppliment would come out in black-and-white, Without you indifferent colonels would shrug their shoulders and press the button, Without you they's stop changing the flowers in Piccadilly Gardens, Without you Clark Kent would forget how to become Superman, Without you Sunshine Breakfast would only consist of Cornflakes, Without you there'd be no colour in Magic colouring books, Without you Mahler's 8th would only be performed by street musicians in derelict houses, Without you they'd forget to put the salt in every packet of crisps, Without you it would be an offence punishable by a fine of up to £200 or two months' imprisonment to be found in possession of curry powder, Without you riot police are massing in quiet sidestreets, Without you all streets would be one-way the other way, Without you there'd be no one to kiss goodnight when we quarrel, Without you the first martian to land would turn round and go away again, Without you they'd forget to change the weather, Without you blind men would sell unlucky heather, Without you there would beno landscapes/no stations/no housesno chipshops/no quiet villages/no seagullson beaches/no hopscotch on pavements/no night/no morning/there'd be no city no countryWithout you.

-adrian hendri

yay! something sweet and romantic....:P

damn stressed and tired out by the whole film thing. ok, time to (entitled to, anyway...humph, it IS my friggin blog) indulge in frivolous documentation of my current dermatological condition. face has erupted in pimples (2!!!) . this is an attestation to the pressure man! thank goodness it's not on my nose.  

anyway, saw fiona xie and this obscure boyband mamber yesterday. since both me n eric think she's chio, we followed her into the supermarket, until that pompous git of a guy (with token beng blonde mane and shades that were, ahem.."metrosexual") stared at us as if we were some autograph hungry groupies.ok, so eric was kinda starstruck, but not me! (on the defensive) fiona xie's not that gdlooking afterall, sans makeup n booby-enhancing clothes. anyway, i seem to vaguely recall seeing the toro guy's pic in sher's n xq's wallet, lol. time to feel embarressed abt lousy celebrity crushes...everyone should just stick to edison chen.
 
saw the two c-list media whores holding hands while weaving through the aisles of cold storage. duh. hasn't anyone told them that wearing shades indoors draws even more attn to them, and is terrible poseur behaviour.ok, so that was like the highlight of sunday.
 
am bored. have no scandalous crush to gush over.argh, have a warped idea of what you're supposed to do at 17. go be an UN embassador.

absurdly pissed. lost my temper at just abt everyone in the family. have half a mind to kick out two thirds of film soc. argh, irresponsible people who promised to turn up, but didn't.after we spent all the hours contacting everyone. argh. will have a serious talk with the whole wing soon.would openly kicking out someone be too cruel?some of them haven't even attended a single meeting since the begining.wasting everyone's time. argh. at least attendence was good for guides.*tongwei in BAD mood*

"One Last Breath"

Please come now I think I'm falling
I'm holding to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I'm trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
That maybe six feet
Ain't so far down

I'm looking down now that it's over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out heaven save me
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
That maybe six feet
Ain't so far down

Sad eyes follow me
But I still believe there's somthing left for me
So please come stay with me
'Cause I still believe there's something left for you and me
For you and me
For you and me

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking

Digital Delhi: Six Snapshots


1.

I give you truth, says the film-maker
At forty-four frames per second

The man on the pavement ignores him
It is not truth he is after — it is eternity

His delicate parrot steps across lines
Geometric patterns and numbers

In an abrupt flash, it finds the future
And hands it over to the film-maker

His face grows dark . . .



II.

On the next street, assiduous carpenters
Construct an elaborate cabinet of ebony

They work in the garden of a rich house
In the shade of a barren banana plant

A photograph of Rekha adorns the tree
The young men look up from time to time

At the fluttering actress and they know
It is not eternity they are after — it is love

The film-maker grins . . .



III.

When he goes back to Paris, he will buy
Brie and tangerines at the Arab store

He will bring a bottle up from the cellar
And after he has made a mess on the table

He will go down to the studio and call
Bernadette and as he hears her light voice

He will put his head down and cry
Because it is not love he wants — it is India

Her nakedness haunts him . . .



IV.

Most things happen in the open in India
Even if a professor chooses to tell you

About his project to calculate the weight
Of our galaxy, he does so walking through

Gardens where synthetic trouser-legs piss on
Kings, and the sky curves like a Lodi tomb

1044K is only the roughest estimate, he says
The dream of the perfect digit still lives on

In India, home of the zero . . .



V.

Nothing is hidden here — a woman bends
Over other people's clothing, exercising her

Breakable brown arms beside the solid bulk
Of a Maruti-Suzuki van whose golden sticker

Proclaims — Proud to be a Silicon Valley Indian!
Her antique steam-iron smooths every crease

As if her life depended on it — but it is not
The sheen of silk this woman craves — it is

A wide, wide, television set . . .



VI.

Just forty-fours hours in the threshold city 1
And the film-maker jettisons his camera

Because the truth flies in his face
Like that damned parrot! — Bernadette

Is no different from the woman armed
With a hot iron, and images collapse like

Galaxies in the urchin dust of Delhi's exposed
Alleyways — and it is not India that he has found

It is home . . .



prof nair is fantastic..really nice person. idiotic bernie was hogging her which resulted in my deprivation of alone time with her.argh. but nevermind, there's email. check out her orientation!hiaz, i've been wanting to go to india for really long now.should start planning, then can arrange a trip after A's. peeps, let's all go.

Keane - Can't Stop Now


I wish I had a Sylvia Plath
Busted tooth and a smile
And cigarette ashes in her drink
The kind that goes out and then sleeps for a week
The kind that goes out on her
To give me a reason, for well, I dunno
And maybe she'd take me to France
Or maybe to Spain and she'd ask me to dance
In a mansion on the top of a hill
She'd ash on the carpets
And slip me a pill
Then she'd get me pretty loaded on gin
And maybe she'd give me a bath
How I wish I had a Sylvia Plath
And she and I would sleep on a boat
And swim in the sea without clothes
With rain falling fast on the sea
While she was swimming away, she'd be winking at me
Telling me it would all be okay
Out on the horizon and fading away
And I'd swim to the boat and I'd laugh
I gotta get me a Sylvia Plath
And maybe she'd take me to France
Or maybe to Spain and she'd ask me to dance
In a mansion on the top of a hill
She'd ash on the carpets
And slip me a pill
Then she'd get me pretty loaded on gin
And maybe she'd give me a bath
How I wish I had a Sylvia Plath
I wish I had a Sylvia Plath

rright, postmortum visitations to long dead weirdos aside, my time is now split among film soc, sch work, reading, tv and the net, the last 2 of which i think i deserve copious amounts of. reading the unbearable lightness of being now, which is REALLY GOOD. once u unwrap it from its patina of eroticism(yeah, it's quite RA, even by my standards), you'll discover that kundera weaves so many things into his seemingly oblique narration of infidelity and the pointlessness of love. i love this:

"she yearned for the two of them to merge into a hermaphrodite. Then the other women's bodies would be their playthings."

is such intense jealousy possible? it transcends mere desire to cause the adultress physical hurt, but it invades and encroaches onto the most unexposed and personal arena. you only betray someone in order to betray someone else later on. let's say you betray A for B, but betraying B doesn't necessarily result in the appeasment of A.the point is betray everything, your friends, family, country...and if you've excelled enough and profitted sufficiently from all these past betrayals, you may reach the apex of nihilation, where you virtuously betray yourself and view it as a tour de force zenith of your life. do i have any idea of what i'm trying to say? not really,,,no...

spiderman/peter parker says that with great great power comes great responsibilty, and that sometimes, to do the right thing, you've got to give up the thing you want most, even your dream. what does it take for one to give up his dream? by dream, we define it here as most desireable ambition. can you replace your dream? if your dream stems from your ambition, and you are ambitious out of vanity, then your dream is nothing but a hedonistic onanism. clemency unto oneself ultimately destroys, or so that is what everyone says.

but what's wrong with loving yourself? nietzsche, ever the advocator of self-preservation, preaches that any reliogion founded on the concept of altruism (pity-put bluntly) is doomed. if one says that you have to love yourself before loving others, what is the impetus of loving urself?is it still not the desire to love others, that is, if you subscribe to this theology? therefore, do we forfeit self-gratification if we are to exist as caring human beings?

"suicidal dew flys forth into the burning cauldron of morning"
kill yourself in order to experience rebirth.haha...

had cap reunion today, which ended up kinda lame, cos no activities were really planned. the councillors' excuse was that the cappers were supposed to "connect by themselves", whatever that means.went home with xuan to spend quality time with family, instead of going to burgerking with the babirussas. i love those people, but spin the bottle is not my thing. (i have nothing particularly juicy to share,unlike a certain...um..alcoholic drink..lol)
speaking of that, had a great time at cine yesterday. it's been a really long time since the bunch of us hung out together. even though our topics of interests often deviate from each other, i'm consoled by the fact that the comfort level has not decimated or anything.so, kudos to the wonderful peeps, you know who you are, (it's so mushy to list u guys out, and in what order?alphabetical?sen's gonna feel super indignant..lol,kidding lah)

really happy in a strangely nonsensical way. it's most probably cos blocks are over. no, i think it's definitely cos of that. i promise to refrain from squandering my time by watching crap tv. any alternate activity would surely be more constructive, even writing in this blog. i've been recently thinking about writing a poem for my grandkids every year, starting from this year. i'll hopefully have accumulated 50-60 pieces by the time i kick the bucket.it'll be interesting to see how i've changed. heck, it's interesting to read my past entries, and i've never ceased to be amazed by how much growing up, how much change can take place within 6 months.geez, i'm thinking about when i have to leave hc.don't know how i'll feel...but i'm definitely more emotionally attached to hc than i was to crescent. it was light and fluffy for all its worth, but...yeah, in retrospect, there are a few people i've met there whom i'm thankful for today (cue nudgenudgewinkwink), and if nothing, i got to study biology! ok, i don't know where that came from.

haven't posted anything for a long time, so, here goes (written after visiting the night safari, where i saw real elephants and statues of them):

Ivory Elephant

but there are no tusks,
only small flecks of crimson
showing scabs from elemental soup.
Such a strong leash offers no protection.
Your gaping heart is out and trunk-bordered.
But when I put my finger behind the hole,
your heart is flesh again.
If you ask real politely,
I could Jesus you up.

in the spirit of all things cap
i wrote a rap.
there's not much literary value
cos i'm really a sad sack
so ppl, pls don't go "oh, ewwww.."

i went to cap
i had a blast
there was some crap
but it didn't last.
so many cool new ppl
some hilariously lethal

conan the barbarian
with his head banging tendencies
and then there's brian
with his dumnass proclivities.
you see, he plays taiti,
with his cards for all to see.
audrey, who looked like lucy liu
was a ***damn bitch reminiscent of cleo.
but i think her her period soon ended,
cos then she was nice (pls don't get offended:)
alfian saat didn't give me his autograph.
supposedly too embarressed.
he said"i'll swing by to do it, my dearest"
but then he disappeared into the forest.

to be continued...

hey everybody!!!am bored but i don't feel like studying. been feeling that way the whole hol, so a bit fei hua.debating whether to drink hot/warm/lukewarm/ice-cold milo. will limit myself to another 5 more mins of personal milo crisis. will write a poem for y'all!!


eeks, writer's block. well, according to most strange ppl lauded by mass population, stringing a montage of strange metaphors with looney paragraphing makes a good poem. right. and i can't write stuff that rhymes. too difficult. could sound like twinkle twinkle little star if not handled properly. borrowed this book from library which seemed pretty cool at first glance.but it turned out to be a total dud. proof that you should never judge a book by its cover. the writer is apparently a music and theatre studies lecturer. he writes like he doesn't know what a woman looks like,the poor deprived goof, much less love/sex (interchangeable nowadays). the worse thing is, most of his stuff are about those topics which he doesn't seem to know much abt. the supposedly poignant stuff turn out funny... anyway, will stop being the failing literary critic. extremely bored now,listening to whitney houston scream "i will always love you".ok.
just read keiffy's blog.
oohmytian it's DISGUSTING. couldn't stop laughing.now in the mood to write crap love poetry

oh you are my heaven
oh my love
where art thou
muacks

there u go, mah opus...:) it's even got onomaetopia (however you spell that) the sound thing.oookkk...
should i bathe first?or drink milo?or listen to whitney? i downloaded 5 different versions of "i will always love you" it's amazing she does these strange vocal gymnastic thingys all the time. plus i got one in spanish. contrary to barcelonians, spanish is not that sexy anyway.

Song

Today on the bus home I heard a dangerous song.
It was venom, flowing into my ears and in my brain,
extemporaneous as a colourless surgical liquid.
It was warm and mellow, yet it quashed my insides,
fuming into descent and self rage, into an anchor in a cup of tears.
It was the slant eyed advocate, whispering in my ear lacy
Mutterings of self hate and hellish verse, and pinching my reddened
flesh to show how soft and crumbling it was.
It was the poetry of the sirens, each heartbreaking contralto
Rending the heart closer to the murderous rocks, each voiceful
quiver the slice of a nail--

Or, shall we say--
it was the soulful rhapsody on love,
curved like the body of the moon, silk thick with the blues
Of love and loss, of distance and stars, of nearness and breath,
and of the everlasting mystery of beauty, its welcome tragedy.
Every sentence an unobtainable rise or a fall, enough to dip my heart
in blood, and to sorely ache the frail dusty body which would henceforth
doubt its staunch disbelief forever after. And my bones nearly broke
themselves like monks in grief-- my body now near fatally astral and
vicarious, watching that unconquerable and hence unredeemable--


I survived, and now I am weak.
What of you churchgoer, visitor of the temple of man, the faith
of his mystery? (I know love and its convictions tingles in your limbs,
brands you like a slave.)

I think. I think I shall not tell you what the name of this
elegy of goddesses and mourn song of man is, lest its karma
one day be your irrevocable death.

joel tee

Experimenting

We don't need no safety net, we're out here on our own--

This is fledgling time:

Experiments in dusty attics
Count and do the mathematics
Free speech, free love, democratics--

And thus:

My muse, unloosed, just confuses
Perhaps the alcohol induces--


I.

We fumble in the dark:
Or you fumble, and I'm lying passive.
I'm lying now, when I say I love you.

And do you mean it, either?
Or were we just a pair of raging hormones--
You with the debonair flair
(And me, just there)
Conveniently, where
Hands in the dark meant nothing, just
Simulating stimulating
Groping and
(manipulating)

--Never you mind, now, dear.
Cup of tea?
Me? (Shall we?)
Fake your innocence: this is daylight; not the time to play with fire.
(Our situation isn't really
that dire--
we're too young
for desire.)

Liar.


II.

Number two was found in a fit of blue
But was unfortunately too straight to do anything with.

Nevertheless:
This was an unknowing inspiration; a summer waxed and waned
And passed me by, and was filled with memories of you.

I still remember the fragments, now, and the glass
pieces have been picked up and put into boxes and labelled safely
behind distant windows.

And wink at me, kindly, and I forget how they cut, then.


III.

The next was fully a year later.

Less intense; drifting incense of my passion burning it away
Keeping up the pretence (better this way)
That this
Was an unrhythmic uncyclical phase
(life's an irregular
chase,
anyway)

And I'm still caught up in this tangled web of roses
My prose's all about love, now, or lust--

And there's that song, you know, about how
The Girls: capitalised, italicised, romanticised in Italian and brought back down
Sharply
Precipitate a reaction that's not worth what you give it.

And dreams, now, and teasing behind the drapes
And familiar shapes in the half-dark of the room
(not the bedroom, you'd never be caught here with me:
Suspect me of date rape
whatever.)

Italicise me, romanticise me, remind me and mind me
And rewind your memories, when this is twenty years behind me
And Realise (yes, capitalised) that this is what binds me:
That I am a Girl.
--to you, and you were kind to me.


IV.

I never learn, do I.

Juggling two at once
Tuppence, I thought--it's experimental!
(and, of course, detrimental
to our mental health, but never mind)

So we promised to kiss.

We haven't yet.

kelly lai


ahhh.. in love with their writing. ok, somewhat intimidated now, what are we supposed to do together? he seems awfully worldly, hope i don't spontaneously combust once everyone discovers i'm dumb.i should stop saying that. so implusible. so fluctant. i never could stand those weak changelings. now i'm just another one.argh, i actually get nervous before calling han. what if he screams at me?what if he hangs up? [it's my phone dammit.]

right. haven't written anything for quite a while now, not in the mood for poetry. it seems so flippant next to econs. i love econs. sadly, love is unrequited, this is probably the only crush i'll ever have in jc - on a subject. yayzers.

but whatever.need to get in the mood before cap. will not be overtly concerned with how my poetry fares against mr joel poet laureate tee.can't stand it, i wished i wrote "song".hrmph.

ah well, just finished reading everybody's blogs...apparently no one is doing ANY studying..lol, wonder how much of that i should believe, anway, it's stupid, but somehow it makes me feel better, even though i know those toads have been MUGGING!!! econs tys open beside me now, i've been on the same page for the past five hours. i'm getting really good at economies of scale,lol...

argh, got into MAJOR trouble with parents for lack of fillial piety..dad was yelling abt how i spend time giving free tuition to ouutsiders but never bothering to help with the family's needs. i do!!i sweep, clean, cook..when i told him that he threatened to slap auntie millet "THEN WHY THE FUCKING HELL DO I HIRE HER FOR???!!!"
proceeded to swear at me for next 15 mins, which wasn't the worst bit. stupid sister, after returning from england, started behaving in her pom pous anglophillic way, and didn't even stand up for me. argh, n she's not that fillial either, u know.only avoided screaming session by pretending ot be asleep. she woke right up the minute dad went downstairs.argh, she still has the cheek to talk to me abt the royal shakespeare theatre. since when was sharkespeare royalty anyway?and the play wasn't even some blockbuster tragedy...it was "THE LION KING". apparently she now thinks it's the best work of literature ever.

honestly, i was just having a frank talk w my mom 3 days ago on how all her children suck, and that she had better not bequeth anything to us, keep some money for herself, in case her bastard children abandon her n she has problems with spousal infidelity or something. she smiled the wane smile of realising that i'm right (hey, at least i admit that i'm not a very good kid), but at the same time wanting me to shut up.seriously, i hope that i won't grow up to be like those money grubbing bitches on tv who dump their parents in weird homes with strange redlippedcurlyhairedfullboobied nurses. that's why the gov. should subsidising old folk's homes, it's so cheap now it's convenient to dump your parents there..tsk.

anyway, cos of my total lack of morality, my parents forbid me to go out, i'm missing the sentosa trip..but still...HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHERRY!!! u guys could send me some pics and i could probably super-impose my face next to qing. or something. argh, still have a few more days to mug before block tests, need to do well so that mr barnard won't think i'm stupid. and so that i won't think i'm stupid. ditto for all the people i know. so that THEY (no one in particular...just, um, EVERYBODY~!!!@@#$#) won't think i'm stupid. sigh, i refuse to be stuck in this cycle of mediocrity all my life, determined to get SOME kind of scholarship.

anyway, on to happier things...

lemme think...

i lost 100g
i have 5 chocolate bars at home.
there's buffy tonight.
yep, that's abt it..:)ahh.. in bliss.

*rudely interrupted by asshole named handoko*
he's the absolute bastard n he ranks up there with my brother on the list of pple who piss me off most. was so angry i almost cried. no classmate has ever made me cry since pri one when the stupid bitch stole my pink crayon.this F#@$#@ asshole hasn't returned me my phone, and his attitude about it was plain wrong. i mean he asked me to stop bugging him cos "he needed to study for his geog". wtf, as if our phone conversations ever last past 3 mins.then he promptly proceeded to HANG UP ON ME. being the alpha female who would not stand to be bullied, i called back to retaliate, but, guess what, he asked his maid to blow me off. "he nn nnooo in now". for pete's sake i could HEAR HIM SAY "tell her i'm out" in the background . fucking asshole. just talking abt it makes me so pissed.

then i called his mommy the next day.

gracious tongwei didn't bitch abt the bastard to his mommy, instead, i very politely requestred that my phone be procured as soon as possible. starting to regret tht i didn't use stronger language. he certainly didn't rein in on the profanities.argh.

pw is not going anywhere either, ocs it seems that only ruilin n me are doing the proiject. melvin is another asshole, i have yet to receive any work done by him at all, but peck tells me he's always online. why the hell are u not participating in pw if you have so much time to go online!?!?!?! u sad bastard, i'm not going to give you a good grade at the end of pw. but then again, melvin has gained a rep for being an asshole, so i guesss he's not expecting a v good grade either. life is ruled and ruined by various assholes all over the place.

"and i rise from the ash
with my red hair
and i eat men like air"

!@#@#@%$#@ to all the bastards out there.mess with someone else.humph.

ah well, getting nostalgic,realised i'm starting to miss crescecnt, even though the last two yrs weren't that great, but still fondly recall some 4c1 ppl.. shiwen,quiying,shrads,gek,tracey,wila,abby,terri,daphne, ppl sitting at the right side of the class, right by position, and right by character:)we had some fun times, i still remember the time when hui ee was convinced that our sub was actually a male masquerading as a female, she had an awkward bump SOMEWHERE, you see, it's all so stupid now, but it was hysterically funny then..the queer female sub is teaching at hc now, and she does have some weird underwear, which could prob explain the weird growth... anyways, just chatted w shrads online, hiaz miss them cute ppl w all eccentric habits "stand on my right!!!" (yashira)
yellow plate food stall's no. one fan.. etc, well, if it's any comfort, i still see some of them online:) guess you'll just be friends for as long as possible, then you'll part amicably, not out of choice, but ...(is this the right word?) out of convenience, this way, when you see each other on the streets, you'll wave and exchange a perfunctuary greeting..."oh, hey, she was my best friend in secondary sch. wait!!give me one second, i'm sure i can remember her name...ahh!mary!no..wait, lucy!!yes, that's it. hey!lucy!!!"

"lucy says": "oh my gaaawwwd!!!is that you?!?! wei tong!!"

30 seconds later...

drama production is FINALLY over!!! hope this post-production ecstasy will last through the next few months...production was damn tiring, but we had sooooo much fun!got to know so many science ppl i probably wouldn't have had the chance of coming into contact otherwise!bought chocs for them, but hope i will not finish the entire packet by myself before i next see them.good karma propagating within, everyone is getting better looking!with exception of HAN WHO STILL OWES ME MY PHONE.THE ASSHOLE WHO HAD THE CHEEK TO REFUSE ME MY COMPENSATION!?!?!WTH?!?!WILL MAKE HIM PAY FOR IAN'S PRESENT...WILL CALL HIS MUMMY ONE DAY TO COMPLAIN ABOUT HIM.HAN, THAT IS, NOT IAN.

anyway, had LD elections yesterday, which i kinda screwed up
(but what's new:)..mispronounced "similarly", finally gave up and said "likewise", which was really embarressing, but nevermind, will try not to screw up the interviews.

anyway, trying my best to finish up everything,ie writing new stuff for CAP;trying to impress no one in particular;hatching schemes to bribe cool singaporean gay poets to mentor me for CAP;finishing hol hmwk;cramming for 6 subjects in time for blocj tests next month;finish reading stack of books slowly piling up (i have no idea why i complusively borrow/buy somemore books even though i haven't finished the ones at home...argh);clean up room;spend more time with dog...and friends..lol,kidding, friends come first:);lose 2kg(that's not too difficult,right???:)

tiny bit of gossip i feel compelled to share(even though u guys might not care, but i HAVE to get it out)
it's really funny, voyueristic tendencies rearing and demanding for next visual feast..kl & cp & a are embroiled in some kind of torrid gut-wrenching triangle complex.it's hilarious(to me at least
) everything is SOOO cheesy it just makes you wanna slap them...qoute "I just want you to be happy with him.."*mournful look*lol, wth says that crap?!?!pointlessly hyterical..laughing to myself again.plus super humiliating and cringe-worthy spelling mistakes(online confessions splayed over person in subject's blog)!!!here's a teaser:
"Kisses are e norishments of life"
this is funnier:
"epitomy of saneness"

ok, will stop pruriently prying and gloating, it may not even be what it seems, cos there's some weird mention of JAS (strange new character i've never heard of, may be k's ex nanyang gf, who may not even be in hc, certainly not in humans though).okaaaay, mental apology to friends who don't deserve this ridiculing, but you know what, i can't help it, it's so funny.ianity.i must be too stressed out, either that, or too deprived, i mean even ch 8 drama serials have better scripts.
shut up and turn on the tv.

The blacklist was a time of evil. No one on either side who survived it came through untouched by evil. There was bad faith and good, honesty and dishonesty, courage and cowardice, selflessness and opportunism, wisdom and stupidity, good and bad on both sides. Failure felt very much like success.

Sylvia Plath,Edge

thank you God, whatever u are (Y.Martel changes your outlook:),for letting me get into CAP.thank you all non-bitchy friends whom i bugged with my sub-standard poems.thank you silence for exactly that.thank you, the triumvirate alliance who threatened to trample on my pride.thank you for doing as i requested (pleaded?)--to be gentle.
thank you Plath, for making me moody, because one needs to be screwed to up write.(now, isn't that true?:)

looking very much forward to attending CAP...Can't wait to find out who my mentor is..alfian sa'at, i hope.a screwed gay.does that explain itself?

"what do you tell the woman who believes her happiness lies at the other end of a Toto queue"
-alfian sa'at

anyway, com serve was (unusually)productive today. they were holding a party when i got there, to celebrate someone's birthday or something. something.don't they hate to be reminded of their birthdays?i think i may have spoilt uncle jaya.the nurses warned me abt doing tt, "girl
he'll ask u for thing,even if unecessary one"

strangely,(have been using this word too often for comfort)everyone was strangely hungry today.so that's good, right.the thing was, i kept cogitating if they knew that their time was nearing, so they might as well grab a last, full meal or something. i prefer something.

damn, this piece is good.(http://www.livejournal.com/users/epicyclical/174739.html#cutid1)
i'll never look at harry potter n gang in the sameway again.rowling would have flipped.
disclaimer:be open minded.strictly NOT for coservatives.cassie claire rocks. i posted her LOTR slasher a few months back. well, this is even better.

had com serve at alexandra hosipital(AH) yest.
quite awkward really, cos we were late and past the optimum timing.patients were drab and sullen, but u can't really hold them responsible or blame them.
a few interesting old ladies though, one of them particulary spritely, wonderfully energetic, but darren or whatshisname very rudely interuppted my conversation by tapping me on the shoulder to remind me to go home. Peggy (tt's her name) got...guarded and vulnerable suddenly.
"sorry, for wasting your time.u see, normally, i am at home alone, and only the stray cats come into my house.there's no one.i don't close the door, u see, so if i faint, then someone can help me." almost cried AGAIN (i still remember in sec 2, there was this visit to peace haven, n this lady called Dorothy told me to study hard and tt may God bless me..i started bawling after tt..so embarressing.mushroom had to spend like 1 hr comforting me..damn whatever happened to all my best friends...it's a curse, i tell u, but anyway,gross digression here..)
i didn't want to say tt i would visit her, because i most probably wouldn't, i didn't want to say tt i would see her again, because tt would mean she'ld have to be admitted into the hospital again.damn how do you say goodbye to someone you'll never see again?
the ladies there are .....
An obsure fascination with the serviettes provided by the hospital during mealtimes.they would save the pieces of serviettes, then tenderly fold them, affording the monogrammed wipers with the intricate care that one would bestow upon expensive origami paper(i still have the weird jap origami envelope thingy i forced sher to give me in sec 1)the serviettes would be smoothened, folded, not into any byzantine crane or whatnot, but a simple square. their existence, if you will, though it seems horribly undermining and apathetic to say tt, esp after Peggy's stories (too long, too many to write down here)they would then proceed to place these scraps of rubbish under their pillows or in their sea green pockets. wong fong ching.
i offered to throw away a horribly crumpled piece of tissue, she'd only allow me to do it after she had carressed it and gave it the once over..byebyedearnapkin.i gave her another one and she repeated the moribund cycle. i cldn't speak shanghainese, so i sat there smiling at her, smoothening her blanket.resmoothening them. i tried to get her to read the newspapers, but then it occurred to me tt she couldn't.
well, the next time i go there, i'm bringing along my chess set. or bridge anyone?

Train Ride to Malaysia
Alfian Bin Sa'at
I

Remember us,
on the platform, sitting on luggage
with our Casios and sweaters
playing hand-games, picking flat cigarette butts
and having mother scrub their soot off our fingers
with gruff tissue. Then recall
how we'd grope the bags like birthday gifts,
feeling for snacks, the biscuits you proudly packed.
Then, tugging father's sleeves, you asked:
"Are there cows in Malaysia?". A nod triggered
a glimmer of milk teeth, and you peering at the rails
that stretched into the infinite night. Such moments:
sleepy footsteps, a passing boy's yawn, the water-stained pebbles,
forgave us for what we were,
mistaking the train's hoot for a far-flung moo,
the thresh of its wheels for a clamour of bells.

II

There was a man, in a PVC jacket,
and shades petalled with fingerprints,
vampiring marlboros, oozing
phantoms. Cheekless and cheerless
he clutched a brown PVC bag
with a yellow-nailed hand as mottled
as the bag. The ring on his finger
gawked at us like the eye
of a crocodile.

There was a woman,
green-eyebrowed, self-permed,
who beat her son for peeling
skin off his lips. When he bawled,
the speckled sores stretched open
and cried like little mouths.

We shrank a little,
but never found it in our hearts
to judge.

III

You exchanged your seat with mine
because yours could not recline.

You waved at the station-master, expecting nothing,
but he winked back at you.

Hair cream had misted the windows
as passengers coughed and shoved.

Outside, someone's washing rustled
soft against the huddling trees-

a picnic of ghosts. The train hummed
a restless tune, impatient for the first piston-heave.

But we patted the insides of our pockets,
clutching tickets like fireflies.

Published in One Fierce Hour (1998)

ahhh... i feel better...

Had a horrible time today at VJC funfair. Spent $20 on worthless stuff, plus Miss ZXQ didn't show us ard, didn't pick up her phone, didn't call and generally ignored us. Humph, not to forget tt she maid me wait for 3/2 hrs on thurs....(YES, i STILL remember)

lemme see, the litany of complaints incl sucky food, exaggerated pricing, rude and stingy vj pple : "10 mins lar, water still boiling OK" ARGH. resolve to make hc funfair a more fun place.

too tired and pissed to blog anymore.

Plus, some stuff are best left unsaid.

For XQ:

If we ask whether the position of the elctron remains the same, we must say no.If we ask whether the electron's position changes with time, we must say no.If we ask whether the electron is at rest, we must say no. If we ask if it is in motion, we must say no.
-Robert Oppenheimer

Love and dignity cannot coexist. Unlike faith and doubt. But that is an abstruse, recondite mathematics that i can't comprehend. The contours on the map reflect an indomitable argument, an infallible logic. The craggy earthen lines on the phyical landscape, the warts and other awkward protrudings, they fit nicely into the the wrinkled craters that are your hands. i have given you my youth, dignity, and self, which were prerequisites of loving you. The clamouring hands are like crabs in a tank,dying to grab the buoy which was to lift them out of the salt sea.But the sphinx jinx bit the rope with acicular, sharp riddles. We all know this one: what walks four-footed in the morning, two-footed in the afternoon and three-footed in the evening?
But she has many more up her incisive jaws. The Pharaohs failed to decipher them, so to protect their éclat, the riddles were unceremoniously omitted from The Book.
And so, just like the ancient Pharoahs, you chose to omit the indecipherable as well, and I am undecorously drowned in the neat white coffin you have constucted for me. My lovely, ashen bones mixed with Philosophy, Politics, and Economics -- other esoteric subjects you failed to master. Perhaps I am being spiteful, but my coffin is warmer than your embrace.

The deux ex machina overruled.

i think reverse psychology doesn't work on me any more. is it a sign of the death of naivety and a growing patina of cyniscim?or merely excessive insanity/stupidity? barnard the raconteur is much appreciated, cos everytime he mentions "studying in uk", i'll be like____tengdiduidumlalallah, which really gets me going..yay!positive encouragment!! plus i think i shall subscribe to the school of religion hereby known as good church karma.
asinine han commented that that was an inherent contradiction (elegant phrasing courtesy of yours truly. mr wahjudi used the words: "no, no like dat one")
haha, ok, fine,he didn't, anyw, tt's besides the point.some ppl have obviously never read life of pi..why can't i believe in two religions.fine, it is a bit kiasuist, but i really agree with (most) the teachings of buddhism and christianity.yay, cheers to my newly activated spiritual growth spurt!:)

yes, now to the requisite whining tt HAS to follow. risse is going to japan for three wks as a peace ambassador...WHAT?!?!?! ("peace, i hate the word, as much as i hate hell, all humanity and thee")ok lar, she didn't say tt, but that was the general vibe i got from her. risse is like (one of) the bitchiest girls in class lah!but she's smart, and i give her kudos for that...shitty lar, everyone's going for some exotic life changing mission (eg mongolia, cambodia,taiwan,japan) but i'm stuck in sg.
dammitdammitdammit.
ok, first two countries shld not really be on the list, since i was the one who didn't sign up i the first place.shall spend june hols mugging (lol..let's see..) pull off the block tests and show everyone i'm smart...haha.. geez.concurrent disembogument of arrogance anf humility= big joke.
quick.laugh.now.

i got my pw grpings two days ago. hope i don't scream at anybody.practically and calculatively speaking.-onmm, good church karma-onmm.
ok, have blogged felicititiously for an hour now...enough.

i had an unimaginably spectacular time at the HC vs AC waterpolo match.i positively revelled in idol-worshipping those half-naked "sex-gods" (one day i'll look back and laugh/cringe my head off).anyway, i'm entitled to bouts of bimboticism.i think i've said this somewhere, but i feel the need to repeat it religiously to excuse sorry behavior. anyway, enjoyed ogling at those cavalier,highfalutin, but oh so pulchritudinous male specimens.eww..... waxing lyrical over himbos..love mindless superficiality, this is an absolute contrast to mr barnard's lecture earlier in the day on "The Social Contract". NONONONO.stop there brain . STOP.
Sadly,(this is to sherry) a certain coldfish was still his peremptory, disdainful self. i restrained myself from hurling expletives at him admist approx 121346576 people.argh, hasn't the goon ever heard of teamwork? i mean, he missed every single shot he fired when he could have passed to a teammate at a more strategically advantageous site.!!!?!?!?!(oops, sorry, dear keyboard) i relished noting tt he looked ******* ridiculous in his maryboop bonnet thingy he had to wear. To cap it all off (haha), hc players were accoutered in teeny highlighter orange speedos with a very "surreptitious" tick acros the penal area.

OMGICOULDN'TSTOPLAUGHING.

ahhh..anyway, ac players looked even worse in their flamingo pink trunks, man, they had the words "gigolo for rent" emblazoned across their (suspiciously hairless) chests.(metaphorically speaking of course, lest you sex-starved dimwits ou there have a literal reading of this) un/fortunately, they were admittedly better looking than those porcine ah peks in the hc team.

waterpolo is such a fun sport.

the testosterone secreting ceaslessly into the pool, the players lapping it all up, spitting it out and letting their mates have another go. the taunts, head locking (hysterical, babies fighting over a rattle come to mind).
i loved the subtle way they fouled, a secret underwater pinch/tug/pull/grab/squeeze. amazingly, the refree never seemed to miss all these offences, promtly puffing at his whistle, hereby causing those incorrigible brats to raise their hands in guilty unison. it was to the extent tt some players raised their hands in surrender even before the refree brought the friggin shrieker to his lips.
why didn't i ever watch waterpolo before??!?!?!

ok now on to the finer points of waterpolo....ahhh, shit u lar, who cares about the stupid game?lol...

next sport to "watch" : rugby.

that should be so much fun.(:

ok, good church karma still going (relatively) strong. i think going to church once in a blue moon really helps, if i adhere to marshallian theory of diminshing marginal utility.hence, going to church once a month seems viable..yay!ok, hope i don't get sent to hell after this (very sinful..lol) entry..

lol, interesting to note tt i'm always like tt after contact with acjc (remember funorama, anyone?:) thank goodness i didn't go there, imagine being like tt for the next 2 yrs. i would have shot myself if nobody beat me to it in the first place...
tw forsees influx of hatemail from ac pple...not tt they'd ever get to read this anyway.muahahahaha.

sodom and gomorrah

ugly, ugly, Turlington denounced.
the blinding smoke evanesce,
fat salt tears dry,
pitypity enmity, ineedtotaketheMRT!
anywhere quick tickatickati. time is ticking tickatickati.
don'tshowernow justletmeout!
justwait,i'llbequick,thenwecango,
ohnodon'tpout.
don'twastemytimeleh
pleasedon'tshout
arghh! you stupid crazy showering lout!

i can't slip past the cacophony unnoticed?
i can, you can't, don't rant rant rant.
you can't why can't
you shan't why shan't
please don't why not
i'll be done soon, i promi-
oh sod, hell, rot.

"well, if you go now, i'll look bad
if you go now, you can't come back"
what, a threat?
no, not that. just to tell you, don't regret.

humpty dumpty breaks, leaving behind
nothing. the horsemen take leave, go off for cake.

stuck in room

voicelessness of the black black computer screen

the undone bed, garden of sin

whir and choke of the oscillating fan

the faceless silent creature outside
eye on tv,


you
crossed my path, fresh from bath
poemishy sylvia plath
head in oven currypuff
hard to live with, rough and tough
you and your own
aftermath

irreversible irreparable irrevocable irresponsible irreducible irre-
ire ire bloody fire, don't you offer to pay for my cab
don't you offer to carry my bag
because it's
irreversible irreparable irrevocable irresponsible irreducible.

i pull away again away from your kisses
hisses
red paperhearts crushed
you pushed me over the
pushpushpushpushPUSH! limit

wet sweet
butterflies that decayed into germs, worms, devious Hermes
black plaguey moths.
they who threaten. you threaten.
flutter stops.

mmeeellllttttt......

butter slops.
you die. nought
but a shadow melting in my heart
but
don't think it's only the heart that b-b-breaks.
-Joel Tee

argh, this is CAP standard, probably, i think, though i hope not...

So She walked in, without her usual trounce.The harsh light slashing at her, stifling the tints in her hair.Her mormal ruddy complexion is still present, but this time for different biological reasons.She doesn't just sit, she begs the chair to hug Her. But the armless furniture ebbs away, much like others.
Tears freefalldown, and we awkwardly use the convenient napkin to dab at them. It was ridden with bulletshots, aimed at her heart, who says it doesn't b-b-break? A lipid smile is squeezed out, ironically, to comfort us; frail attempts to denounce fastidious monsters who overdemand. And undersupply. So you ask where do all these dreams go, if Elysium is denied. We provide no answers, only psuedo-comfort, because we are undergoing the same turmoil. But I refrain from liberating pent up rivers. I refuse to, not there, with the horrendous singers, prying children and THE YELLOW PEOPLE. and of course, The Chickens, suffocated with oil, but still listening.

I scour for other options (both to do in the immediate and long term sch plans), but I failed dolorously, so we turned to the ever unwavering hand of gossip, always eager to save you in neverneverknowwhattodo situations. The cheap, disgustingly relished thrill of harmless chatter, which attempts to pass of as profound inquisitions of acquaintances. 3-mth-friends........?

She vomits out an excuse to go home, vile and pungent...to grief?to continue her sobfest?to detach herself from this matrix? I would probably do all. Throw myself into Plato's gnarled arms and let him pull the plug sticking out from my skull. Wait, that's too anachronistic, scrap Plato, Neo is the new messiah.
Flown to Hell and back, we'd better have learnt something.Abyssmal writing doesn't matter, abyssmal reading does. CAP!!!!!!!dammitammmitdammit.Plea for someone to churn out 10 f******** brilliant poems and pass it to me by 31st Mar. Oops, that's today.

incendiary

adj 1: involving deliberate burning of property; "an incendiary fire" 2: arousing to action or rebellion [syn: incitive, inflammatory, instigative, rabble-rousing, seditious] 3: capable of catching fire spontaneously or causing fires or burning readily; "an incendiary agent"; "incendiary bombs" n 1: a criminal who illegally sets fire to property [syn: arsonist, firebug] 2: a bomb that is designed to start fires [syn: incendiary bomb]

Gosh i hate han.

therefore asbestos suit needed.whatever.

I am a map that you redraw.
Follow it. The buried treasure is really there.What exists and what might exist are windowed together at the core of reality. All the separations and divisions and blind allies and impossibilities that seem so central to life are happening at its outer edges.If I cld follow the map further and if i cld refuse the false endings (the false starts don't matter), I could find the place where time stops. Where death stops. Where Love is.
I Love You.

bah, what right do i possess to write like that, I've never really liked anybody before, it may seem quite pathetic to others, sixteen and not a taste of inexorable, inexplicable love...All the pple around me are "falling in love", whatever that means.Lusting after someone?hah, plenty, but love, no one, i think..Love pierces the hands and feet, but all these psuedo-lovers, petrachan in their extolling and exaltation of love, a warped notion, too contrived.mayb i'm too disillusioned, indoctrinated by my parents' mantra, isn't their marriage a prime example of antilove? no, its not fair to say that, they've really started to bond more these past few years. it's been subtle, but definite. we're "independent" now, there's no need to run to mummy (daddy never filled the role of gibraltar anyway) everytime we fall..(though i feel ts still does that , perennially) The midnight dates, the quiet, temporary, but much needed escapades from the family, i can can only empathise and understand how irritating we can get..the ebullience when i'm around ta, when will i ever grow out of it? momentary exodus from finances, businesses, and the endless litany of problems that plague them.it's frustrating being married to my mom, she tires easily, making a ten-hour sleep ritual complusory.dad works until witching hour to put us up in this friggin place, which i think is a total waste of resources.(guilty of wastage sometimes...)hopefully we're mmoving soon, to a more economic venue.he'll get to sleep more then..wth, i mean he's forty plus already, the race is ending (the money-grubbing rat race, not the bigger one of lkife , god, i hope NOT) Love him more than i usually express it.
anyway, contemplating whether to continue running for council, with daph posted out..she seriously hates the idea of going to sa.."too distractive", she says..well, the august reputationand reverence gained fr studying in a top institution has been flung out, very unceremoniously, of the window (jonny taught me this bombastic f word w the same meaning, can't remember now.shit)whatever, does running alone really present me with an edge, cos i think to play on sympathy is underhanded..
yeah well, A11's class population has effectively been decimated with the new posting results..will miss daph... andrew made it back though, gd for him..somehow ppl have formed this impression that i have lesbo tendencies..(horrors!!)i'm not hompohobic, but i think tt's absolute shit.perfectly straight,oestrogen pumped, heterosexual girl you know...lol, mayb it's the rep of crescent working up again..
(lol..this part doesn't really connect, cos i decided to delete an embarressing thingy, now tt sen's in hc too..)
with keiffy, i think we've(almost) reached a state where its purely platonic, very comfortable with him, like with xq (no, tt's grossly unfair to xq, friend of 4 yrs, but u get my drift..)don't want this to change, i don't think we'll quarell, but drifting away seems like a ineluctable fate that has dealt its hand on so many friends whom i thought would stick around. shit, edi pops to mind, been reminicising alot lately, too often for comfort..whatever happened along the way?i'm getting tired of asking the same old question no one has an (acceptable) answer to. if by some sleight of destiny u read this, i'm sorry, let's not assign fault, let's not dwell, let's not dally in the valley(irreverent contribution..bathotic). no. do i want that, for us to start again after a gap of almost 2 years?is it a mere stasis of is it indicative of the end?do i care? do u?
stop making a scene..

but i'm not a playwright...

sometimes i want to go back to those years of innocence (its a paradox really..) rather than dither in the realms of torturous self-knowledge.
because,
nothing can come between us except each other.

Be careful of words,
even the miraculous ones.
For the miraculous ones we do our best,
sometimes they swarm like insects
and leave not a sting but a kiss.
They can be good as fingers.
They can be trusty as the rock
you stick your bottom on.
But they can be both daisies and bruises.

Yet I am in love with words.
They are doves falling out of the ceiling.
They are six holy oranges sitting in my lap.
They are the trees, the legs of summer,
and the sun, its passionate face.

Yet often they fail me.
I have so much I want to say,
so many stories, images, proverbs, etc.
But the words aren’t good enough,
the wrong ones kiss me.
Sometimes I fly like an eagle
but with the wings of a wren.

But I try to take care
and be gentle to them.
Words and eggs must be handled with care.
Once broken they are impossible
things to repair.

- Anne Sexton


ah well, campaign's going find so far, but will have to find a viable alternative to Powerpuff girls, I mean, that would mean total annihilation of my august rep.
i need something that screams "VOTE FOR ME!", but in a subtlely astute kind of way, like an aphorism or mind blowing revelation, something like "Just Do It".Why isn't that branding guru offering help where needed???screw starbucks, help tw out...ahh..when words fail me.
anyways, film soc meeting today only gathered momentum after me and peck sat down to discuss our film--alone..finally, free from abysmal ideas that i pretend to acquiesce to, but all the while cringing inside.I guess that's what you do when you have nothingelse to offer..thankfully, the new script thought up by peck and tw (mostly the latter..lol, it's true!Tw possesses immense creative flair!) is of a far superior standard of entertainment..lol.
the movie starts off surreptitiously as a quotidian cops and robbers cliche, BUT, it extends its insidiousness to the audience and lets them become embroiled in the perilous battle between religion and reality...muahaha, excessively bombastic sypnopsis of the movie...seriously, it goes on to explore the cantebury tales(yay!time spent reading those harrowingly morbid books on sec sch chronicling monstrosities did not go to waste!:)
poignant chess game(kudos to yours truly once again!) epitomises power struggle etc other related blasphemies...ahh, movie is looking very promising:)
ah well, enough of this shamelessly addictive ego trip...i can just envision everyone scrambling for a barf bag..trust me, i'm not usually like that...voyeuristic, maybe..egoistic? *whole Sg choruses in unison* NO WAY!!
this is not helping my case very much, issit?

but mr can you maybe listen there's
me &
some people
and others please
don'tconfuse.Some
people

's future is toothsome like
(they got
pockets full may take a littl
e nibble now And then
bite)candy

others
fly,their;puLLing:bright
futures
against the deep sky in

May mine's tou
ching this crump
led cap mumble some
thing to oh no
body will
(can you give
a)listen to
who may

you

be
any
how?
down
to
smoking
found
Butts

e. e. cummings

why must you psycho-analyse everyone? why must you paint a glorified caricature of the ppl e ard u? is it a vanity issue with u too? the seeming superiority of"understanding" three-mth friends, classifying us in ur warped filing system of humanity..trivalising our actions...

hiaz, class party on sat was a total drab...rain started evn before the fire cooked anything, lightning too threatening, which prevented me fr swimming..(though the lack of extra clothes n underwear posed a problem as well...i wouldn't mind borrowing ian's clothes, but he doesn't own bras, and i can't see myself in his mummy's..eww, tt's just plain wrong)
argh..had to borrow his clothes in th end, due to han's flouting of dunking etiquette...now my phone's ruined...argh...why did i not put it in a safer place?!?!why did i stand so close to the pool?!?!?!now i'm stuck w ian's phone for the next two weeks until the moron(han, not ian) gets me a new one..(ian's being terribly nice abt this whole debacle...which only serves to highlight what an asshole han is..)
anyway,got over the loss of my essential communication tool pretty quickly when wei xiang started preaching abt the lives of the less-fortunate...while less than extolling the merits of council...i'm still running though..if i get it, yay, but if i don't, i won't lose tooo much sleep over it..it's gonna be a major commitement, so ..better brace myself..
determined to use this one week to upgrade myself..finish all the books i set out to read..keep abreast w schwork...ah well, and mourn the passing on of my 6610..lol,i'll live..
sounded pretty pensive on my last entry, but sen, somehow ur comment on it being "nice and deep" seemed to ..i dunno...diminish it?nvm though...
qingy..let's play tennnis again, but mayb somewhere more convenient (sorry sen for making use of ur condo facilities..)how abt the cc? badminton's fine too...

ah well, episode on Os will be conveniently skipped over and forgotten, though truth be told, i'm fed up abt crying and whining...to hell w moe...screw my future..

cip today was really sad...
students didn't know the meaning of words like "noble", n i cldn't explain simplistically...they're
not exactly deprived...
just unfulfilled...
but i don't know of what..
i can't give them love, cos i've only known them for 1 hr, so pity's the next alt.

i never saw my "adopted child" agin..nurul aieen..tt was...still is her name... i promised to bring her out to macdonalds..her face is still a fresh memory, untarnished by modern discourse...she was never the friendly kind..i so wanted to connect, but i don't know, maybe it was the lang. barrier..but my eng's not too shabby..ironically, tt might just be the reason. suddenly have this inexpressible aching to envelope her in a hug...my coccon's big enough for two...she's small anyway...tragically, i doubt she even has an inkling as to who i am.. it's been two yrs..
don't want this blog to degenerate into some contrived emotional dumping ground, where the poetry sux n content is self-centric/hedonistic blah.
pple in class r so dreary...planning to run for council, but not sure i can make it... so i'll just be brushing up on pr skills..(i was never the eyelash fluttering girl who commanded attention...more of the wallflower stereotype, which i used to think i was the antithesis of)but apparently not)=>did this make sense? try to decipher it.
i used to think guides was a fulfilling cca, but can't bear to recall those days of searing naivety...encapsulated in self constructed coccoon...
msn is starting to be a really jejunic place...where pple lament abt their "angst" and "pent up emotions". those words have started to take a toll on me.... but i can't seem to find a suitable synonym...sadly, i am one of the uncountable whining bitches...wth, i have clothes on my back, there's no need to worry abt where my next meal will come from, i sleep in airconditioned comfort, for pete's sake, i even have a television!!!!stop complaining already, u only sound like a trite humanitarian wannabe...why do i reduce myself with fatuous insults?is it a vanity issue or a patina of staged humility? i guess "or" should be replaced by "and"...

phantom readers (ie pple other than xq, sen, sher, pls continue to lead a nondescript existence, don't let me find out you've been reading my blog w/o my knowledge, not so much because i'll be pissed (tt's only to a small extent), but more abt the awkwardness when there's knowledge and intimacy that's not mutual. cutting words, but tt's how i want it to be...
council preparational jobs have not been done so far, but none of my running mates seem to really care, wait tt's a grossly bigoted statement..daph's serious, but ritch is showing leanings of wanting to drop out, she sounded the warning alarm today with an emotional confessional ..it didn't really achieve the therapeutic effect i was yearning for, instead, it festered like a noxious miasmata contemplating implosion...
weird imagery of myself as physical harbour for all this antagonism, antipathy...

there seems to be no real impt point tt i want to drive home (quote rm: drive it home with a headlight)..really..haven't experienced the calling yet...spiritually disconnected..i'm not even a sunday christian, more like, i try to be a nice person, but i don't take into account ecclesiastical concerns...

hah, "u suck so bad u swallow",(han's famous lingo) it's most prob the only thing i'll remember abt han 10 yrs down. will i even remember him...yes, because he's the biggest a**hole in class...wadeva, if u're reading this,bugger off, though i should think not, if the sacred trinity hasn't betrayed my trust... it's just really impt to me to keep this site private...

beginning to lose touch w some ppl, whom i used to spend so much time with in the past, but now hardly manage to keep a conversation alive...sad really.. reminder of wilted friendships, and a certain E comes to mind, i've never really mentioned her before here. have i? we used to be so close..nostalgia flooding in torrents...i'm not waving, but drowning..there are even flashes of times when i can't remember the shape of her face, her fingers, which used to be comforting whenever we did tt hand patting thing tt now only xq does (u know, the one where both of us link hands and clap our hands together softly?) it provides a maternal succour i can't find in my own mother...shit, getting teary...
why did the imbecilic shit abt the jw girl even occur?!?! i still don't comprehend...i mean wth...i said bye to her (E, not jw) the other day when she crashed hc, but attempt at reconciliation was flatly ignored with the nonchalant flick of her hair, and she gave me the cheek profile...her nose turned up, not in a snobbish way, but in a knowing disregard..and it hurt to see tt she's deteriorated into such a petty creature (the irony is sorely not missed here, omnipresent in the spiteful description).
ah well, kieffy beefy advised me to let it go..he's been one of, if not the sweetest guy in class, i hope it works out b/w him n zing (honestly, i try to help, it's just tt he lacks self assurance sometimes...)
shit, been online for way too long...
tw resumes mechanical, indomitable mugging front...

Margaret Cho in response to Bush's statement on same-sex marriage
hilarious.


"An amendment to the Constitution is never to be undertaken lightly."

Nor shall it be used to buy more time in office.


"After more than two centuries of American
jurisprudence and millennia of human experience, a few judges and local authorities are presuming to change the most fundamental institution of civilization."


After two centuries of prejudice and non-inclusive laws, and the millennia of human experience, which has had its share of genocide, slavery, calamity, destruction and death, not to mention your term in office, finally some brave souls are willing to take a stand for the true meaning of equality and justice, not to mention love.

this sounds sad, but the biggest event of my life's gonna take place tomorrow (technically, it took place last nov, but it's a continuation).
argh, just let me make it back..
if fate conspires against me, i shall have to erase all the previous entreis, cos it wld be just too painful to look at them and be reminded...

what wld i do with the badge? the pe shirt? the waterbottle? the books? the friends? the spirit? the memory?

i sound cheesy, but tt's seriously the way i feel...
i shall compose a love song/poet (a sonnet's still way out of my league):


brain breathed air,
with sinews waving
or are they drowning?
one digresses

blue lipped thumb kissing the paper...
signing my life away
if i 'm accepted, i'm
c o n n e c t e d
for real?

shadowy monster of a fallen past
wasted in yellowy crust
burnt, charred
wasted

the irony...
migrating from one yellow city
to another.
sour lemons to swallow

don't cringe
when u binge,
rocking off ur hinge
FLINCH

shallow accusations
from a hypocritical poet.
too unaccustomed
to a hopeless hope

the handsome female
with her psuedo-inspiring speeches
"go team go!"
before the torrent
of tears, of tears
ripping

paper, will i do it
will u hear it?
kowtow to toilet paper.
cavity filled solace
with the brown recycled bits
encouragingly utilised.

kleenex is too soft anyway.

16 on the table
will it rise
when the bags are stripped
at 2.30 27 feb 04?

comments?
feel free to criticise..

alrighty, went to the acjc funorama expecting to see some eyecandy (hey, i am permitted to have some fun aren't i?)...sadly, there was a dearth of cand(Y)dates at the fair(muahaha, i'm getting quite good at this abyssmal punning thing..*collective groan*) , but the reputedly hottest guy in sch went ard with the words "spank me" slapped across his ass..unfortunately, i did not get to see this ... but, judging fr lucinda's response (she gave him 12 out of 10), he's gotta be pretty hot...

anyway, had an empowering talk with sher, which prompted her much delayed awakening.. today's the first time i've ever heard of her volunteering to do some charity work..she's made a list of all her goals (realistic ones, if i might add), and she promised to try to be more socially aware...yeah, sher used to be so confined in her own personal sphere, i mean, it's bad enough she's got no clue as to who Dick Cheney is, but : "Blair?? Hmmm... sounds familiar, that guy.." just takes the cake. glad she's taking a more active role in her own life. inspired me to be more determined..
1.)shall not be shallow ie judging ppl based on their looks/sch
2.)shall not suffer fr lack of self-esteem "everyone's better than me syndrom"
*note: kick my ass if i whine abt "perfect" pple fr now on.
3.)study harder, try to concentrate more intensely in class, esp econs
4.)try to read ahead
5.)try to be nicer to family members
ah well.. the litany goes on...

my spiritual health is sadly deteriorating... nietzche is screwing me up... the most disturbing thing is, i actually find myself agreeing with some of the things he said... some say he's a farce, but isn't christianity a religion fundamentally based on the concept of pity? the bible tells us to be nice to beggars cos they're poorer n everything, believe in christ cos he suffered for our sins...ie pity him cos the crown of thorns hurt etc...hiaz, well, i don't really think tt way...cos it sounds mean...(see what i mean, this is exactly his point!lack of pity=meaness!therefore refusal to be mean= wanting to pity/sympathise..) argh!!!the damn bk...

thankgdness am now reading happier fare which don't scew me up...yay! (gosh, i sound like an emotional basketcase, mood swinging in extremity)
utopia's slightly easier to get through, mainly cos it's happier (duh)...plus BR rox!!!power to "in praise of idleness" (hence title of this blog)..

ok, my mind's on quite a no. of things, attempting to shut out thoughts abt o results, which are tentatively out on fri 27/2....recurring nightmares of mrs lee handing out tissue paper to bawling crescentians.....NOOOO!!!!

please please let me be happy.
that IS too much to ask for.

for all the suckers, oops, no, lovers out there, here's wishing you a happy valentine week:

VALENTINE

Not a red rose or a satin heart.
I give you an onion.
It is a moon wrapped in brown paper.
It promises light
like the careful undressing of love.

Here.
It will blind you with tears
like a lover.
It will make your reflection
a wobbling photo of grief.

I am trying to be truthful.

Not a cute card or a kissogram.

I give you an onion.
Its fierce kiss will stay on your lips,
possessive and faithful
as we are,
for as long as we are.

Take it.
Its platinum loops shrink to a wedding-ring,
if you like.

Lethal.
Its scent will cling to your fingers,
cling to your knife.

Carol Ann Duffy

ok, don't know how to put this, but this is another highly amusing episode..
see, i find this guy in chinese class (hereby known as j) cute.the disturbing fact is, he looks like ta, and (here's the really sordid part), according to countless people, i look like ta, so, by proxy, the guy i find cute (j) looks like me. muahahah, this brings us to a whole new level of narcissim, doesn't it? the person i love most is....tada!! myself!!!..yay, seems like i haven't got any major self-esteem problems.it's always a pleasure to reaffirm tt. finished watching a prog on discovery yesterday (sexual chemistry), quite interesting really.it places the whole chemistry thing in a primal, scientific perspective (sounds somewhat paradoxical, but tt's why the prog's interesting).it's been proven tt pple are attracted to others who look like themselves.(which is true, since i'm only taking j at face value, we haven't even had a decent conversation yet, but i don't think i'll like his personality v. much => hallmarks of classic acs(I) boy...too flirtatious,egoistical,etc
anyway, back to the prog...mentioned the golden ratio, which i had given up trying to calculate yrs back, but, took to another (crude) measurement of "beauty":symmetry.spent considerable amt of time (10 min)trying to find out if my mug is symmetrical.gave up too, cos i think u need the help of a computer with this one.lol.
ah yes, the topic of valentine's day..whatever, have decided to adopt a cynical standpoint...crass commercialisation blah blah blah...apologies to all hopeless (in all senses of the word) romantics out there, but seriously, $25 for a stalk of roses?!?!?and it doesnt even talk!the rose, i mean, not the guy, though some might beg to differ...ah well, nvmind.been playing love consultant to quite a no. of ppl..hahaha, enjoying it a bit....(tw bursts out laughing at this moment)the cheap thrill of potentially dictating another person's love life is always appealing. muahaha..tw can't stop guffawing...can't stop.....ok, stopped.
anway, back to the topic (this line has been used too often for comfort, i shall either stop digressing or find a more stylish way of reminding myself to stop crapping), all the lovestruck pple ard me are hysterical...the way they moan, wail, weep etc on abt their lovers (does another less eroticized synonym exist?) is really hilarious...the gd thing is, it puts off the whole notion of "love", so thankfully, i take pride in not succumbing to the "throes of passion" (i almost expect myself to crank out some erotic prose at this juncture). i shall now take this opp. to campaign for celibacy!!!yeah!!!anyway, i hope i don't dish out (too) crappy advice...lol.i'm not taking this too seriously, am i?

“Frailty of understanding is in itself no proper target for scorn and mockery. But the unintelligent forfeit their claim to compassion when they begin to indulge in self-complacent airs, and to call themselves sane critics, meaning that they are mechanics. And when, relying on their numbers, they pass from self-complacency to insolence, and reprove their betters for using the brains which God has not denied them, they dry up the fount of pity.”
A E Houseman
Muahaha...caustic lines to keep for future reference...ie, scolding ta...childish...who cares, it's my blog.

yay, no sch today...hc's radical in this sense, experimenting w reforms n stuff eg, no o levels, no syllabus(there's this coolweek coming up where there are no classes, you can choose what you wanna learn fr courses available eg juggling, poetry writing,opera..u get e pic)....the students r not adverse to it though, staying at home and "going to sch via the internet, the wonders of modern tech"...
the ivle site is jammed now though, so i'm whiling away time waiting for others to log off so i can complete my assignments. gp assg. is pretty intresting, we had to choose to review poetry,songs,prose and movies...
the choices are cool: avril lavigne's sk8ter boi compared to wilfrid Gibson's Girl Song. for movies, they had roystan tan's fifteen, which i've been wanting to watch for THE longest time, but cos of rating problems n the fact tt it's no longer on the circuit, i missed it.so, YAY!


quite comforted that i've at least read some of the required texts before, was extremely worried that i wouldn't have even heard of the authors...
they've even included Adolescence, a poem i remember fr sec 3 mid yr lit exam!!lol...

trying to find my exam paper, so i can reuse my work again, tt's not really cheating...cos it's my work, n it can't be constituted as plagiarisation..lol.anyways, don't think i scored too high a mark on tt one ...

had a depressing talk on fri w k n r, which really screwed me up..never realised tt the class has been putting up individual facades of being happy people, to put in simplistic terms..discovered tt many are screwed badly...i mean, on medication for depression?!?! slitting one's wrists?!?! i've contemplated suicide before, but let's face it, who hasn't in this day n age...i've never really carried out my macabre fantasies before though..whether this stems from sensibility/cowardice/intergrity..i don't know.

am determined not to be influenced by them, i want to help, but it seems i'm too easily swayed, tell me a soppy tale n i empathize so much tt besides tearing, i join u in ur misery...ie. wanna commit suicide? there's a 50% chance i'll join u.largely affected my mood, to say the least. was a sullen sulk the whole wkend...this bunch is seriously wrecked, spent 1/2 surfing my first porn site, after indoctrination fr classmates who enjoy gay manga n the like...suffered fr contritions for the next few days, was so replused at myself. thankfully, i have forgiven myself by explaining tt this is a turbulent phase tt ALL teens go thru, n i shld put it behind me n move on..i hope god understands...seriously.

fortunately, regained composure after 2 hr chat w xq, so, if u're reading this, thanks! i think our calls on fri, though they take up alot of time (at least 1 hr each time, lol), are actually quite helpful.Ah, sudden outburst of gratitude to xq...betcha ur teary now...lol.

this blog had better be only read by e five people commissioned to read it..imagine the humiliation if classmates get hold of it.
argh.noooo......

The Antichrist-FRIEDRICH W. NIETZSCHE.

Piece Of Difficult Reading which I have decided to shelve until I develope a more profound mentality, pointless to read it now, because most of it is incomprehensible...

Have taken to Teng Qian Xi and Alfian's writing after an introduction by Perry. Those inspired to publish their own tomes and make it to the List Of Great Asian Writers should read her blog at tengqianxi.diaryland.com. The link to Alfian's site can be found there.

Am currently considering whether or not, to sign up for HSSRP, the mentorship programme in alliance with NUS, which would definitely be a glowing point on oe's resume, but concerns rise over ability to cope with the A's simultaneously...Once again, the Law of Diminishing Marginal Returns can serve its application here...If I ever decide to go for it, I'll most prob do my thesis on sociology: Relations across cultures and nations. that or an in depth discussion about homosexuality in modern theatre...(Bent seems to be a pretty good play to start from, if i have even seen it in the first place...the r(a) rating was a hindrance...lol)

the abhoringly stringent selection process is a downer, only ONE student made it last year...so i think i'll sign up for CAP, which in my opinion isn't as demanding... I HOPE.

just for the fun of it, i'll tell a dirty joke (as told to me by a certain lame senior):

A man felt the need to shit, so he went to the nearest toilet to shit. After shitting, he found out there was no shitwipe available, so he clean himself with his hands. After he got out of his cubicle, he saw a machine which instructed him to put his hand in the slot, because :"ALL THING PUT IN HERE WILL BECOME CLEAN"
the man did just that, and a person on the otherside bashed his hand, the following conditioned involuntary reaction caused him to stick his hand in his mouth. tada...clean hands.
tada...my dirty joke of the day.

bleah, losing my sense of humor, need to meet up with xq and gang soon to remind myself of how i used to be a funny girl. Lol. =)

tagboard has mysteriously been erased from blog...
this technical idiot will have to paste it on all over again...
went for MacRitchie run today...have come to realise tt am not in very good shape...i had to stop halfway!!!this is definitely the last straw for miss tay..a crescentian not even being able to complete the measly x-country.
anyway, have already planned my leeway...acjc! when i'm kicked out fr hc (perennial concern)...will join jeanne there in creating havoc..she seems to be having fun...
have to be fully geared up for econs test this fri so tt when i beg barnard later on, i have e saving gracept of doing well in his first test (doubt tt will happen too)

mugger toads
sheesh, promised in sec sch tt i'll not be relegated to the ranks of THEM, they who terrorise the dark side. this is not how i envied my spectrum of social life to be... slowly effacing away, erased by the "invisible hand"(#a.smith) of HC.

however, constant reminders abound tt main aim is to procure a decent scholarship, and am getting too obessive for comfort over my cv...pragmatism kicks in as i evaluate everthing using opp. cost analysis. if marginal costs are greater than marginal benefits, DON'T DO IT!
if point is currently under the ppb => under-utilisation of finite resources, therefore, need to INCRESE EFFICIENCY!
sigh, you get the gist...
sloman is now the MAN in my life, i breathe, eat, sleep,think,dream sloman. L will become inspiration for mugging. Cancel all social activites for the next 700 days or so, give and take a few exceptions (holidays, birthdays..one can't expect me to study everyday right?)
inspite of seemingly noble aspirations to confine myself to a virtual prison, have arranged plans to crash mjc,acjc,ajc and hopefully njc n rjc.
muahaha...the hypocrisy of it all, i think it makes me feel comforted/secured just to write my "vision" down...it suggests a finality and to some degree, however remote, that it might actually be realised.
tt's my problem, i don't want to mug, but i worry about not mugging, so i end up lazing, but not fully appreciating the idleness of my physical form, therefore, i try to engage in some primal brain activity, which brings me back to the pt of why i'm not mugging.being too idealistic here, visualised an instituition whereby we go there to discuss philosophy,the deeper meaning of life etc, but not to sit exams for it, cos the whole debate abt ethics being examinable soon kicks in w great vigour...
ahhh...debate..not making much progress, first real debate next week, still have'nt received the motion.suitably impressed (as usual) w the speakers today. i think i'm impressed by everything, which just goes to show how narrow/shallow we were in crez, maybe it's just me though (most prob...lol)...
i wanna go to india. but tt's another long entry tt wld interupt my essential beauty sleep.see what i mean??? i'm too concerned with trivial issues like sleeping at least 8 hrs per day. shall dream of india then.

Tong Wei has realised that HC students are, in essence, undoubtedly normal people after all - they are atill ceaselessly amused by macabre sexual fantasies, they are all pornography-loving, lecherous individuals at heart. Ian's revelation tt Keith's virginal looking hamsters are in reality agents of porn.This set Tong Wei off waxing lyrical about the libido of today's youths.

Tong Wei is also greatly impressed with poem by Dawn Lim from the next class:

appropriate days and impossible nights

shiva god
of destruction

and wrath i will walk barefoot over fire
to you, body smeared

with ash, hands washed
by their blood self-sacrifice my cry

to you to destroy
the flesh, distill the spirit

from the broken slate
of my body where i will rewrite

this new testament of faith so you find
in me the paradox of our land, where destruction

is a form of creation seeing
is believing the resurrected truth as we

hold up flags that cover
the bareness of the walls beneath,

the bareness of discoloured skin.

*

a temple that reverberates with a multitude of noises intrusion
of too many sounds assaulting one
another : heavy
scent of jasmine flowers dancing in air piquant
with tumeric that descends like orange pollen dust
upon hair evening

prayer call from the nearby mosque, sonorous
and low, entering with a breeze that disconcerts
the gods, stirs
the strings of mango leaves – they fall
like the plaintive chant of a priest trying to relight
candles in the dark

sound dis con
nected sound dislocated prayer interjected prayer
interrupted a teak cage,
bright, red
structure the shape
of a pomegranate on the other end of the street
where a bird is singing chi chi chi, sharp
and shrill, over
the distant

churchbells on the first sunday
of the month, laughing in naïve
optimism to the discordant clatter of cowbells
over the gopuram where a woman kneels, whispers diffusing
into the midday heat god hear
our prayers god hear our prayers god hear
our prayers through our temple’s
porous walls the wail
of a little girl squirming in a sari 1 yard and a quarter
too long tracking the dust
from the road outside onto the floor where an old man
in a white dhotti is washing his feet and face, each drop
of water catching the sunlight like splinters of a mirror

*

to my land besieged
by the vision of itself
it will stagger towards, step
by bitter step when you have reached
that point of no return, remember –

tell me the shape
of your face as you see how i must
see it: i will assimilate it
into mine, following your steps a blind
prophet, making my pilgrimmage barefoot
towards the realms of the gods

and hearing nothing
on the edge of this epiphany, except
the sound of my jagged breathing

*

there are appropriate
hot days with good weather
when we visit sri nananana temples with maps and printouts
while sipping vending machine coke
by postcard stands

and impossible nights, crisp
with rain that veils
the slumber of gods

a net,
filtering
the luminescence of the city:
bad luck.

this is where i want
to stand alone, holding
nothing but the imagined
darkness where there are only
prayers with no words: their verses
the silence held in broken hands.


:: dawn lim



Tong Wei finds this piece of literary gem deserving a mention on her blog, and resolves to start her own portfolio so that she can apply to be enrolled in the Creative Arts Programme (CAP). Mandatory to include diff styles of writing, preferably genre-specific in the categories of prose, poetry, plays and novels.

It is highly impossible that Tong Wei will be able to crank out 10 stunning works of art within the next month, therefore, Tong Wei has to start firing away immediately. Sadly, Tong Wei is suffering from sever writer's block, but she of high morality refuses to plagarise anybody's work. However, she also feels that the sharing of work would/should not be compromising her saintly principles.

Ahh..the visiting frenzy has somewhat calmed down now, realised that it's getting harder to extricate myself fr holiday mood...don't really wanna go back on mon, though e subs are fun n all, but they're kinda brain-draining.. was pissed on tues cos of some STUPID bimbo remark by han, but discovered he ribs everyone, so shall not take it to heart.
h:"say something smart, i'm sure it's not that difficult, go on, try.."
t:"what do u want to hear?"
h:"oooo, that's certainly really smart"
t:(super pissed by now)"fine, we could discuss bertrand russell, but i doubt you'd understand"
h:(question mark)
t:"muahahaha"(silently) mortally offended now, go away until i'm no longer pissed(verbally)"
humph, mcp...common lingo mr macho man spouts:"bah, women, what do THEY know?" and the like.nvm, resolve not to bicker w him, and take all that he says w a pinch of salt, no, make that a packet...
anyway, cny was fun, though tiring, period pains struck yest, which made it unbearable to sit up, had to go to anchorpoint to buy pink panadol...to make things worse, it started raining on the way back, so had to call dad to pick me up...Embarrassing when i had to explain cause of stomachache...
plus, hinted to relatives that hc is only a temp. jc, avoid setting myself for total humiliation if i get booted out after march....argh!!!plus, found out that the humans scholarship is actually quite hard to obtain, so will not pin too high hopes on that one as well..
on a lighter note, spent last two days watching incredibly crap movies which were surprisingly entertaining, in part due to goodlooking leads...eg, just one look on ch u last night, the movie had absolutely no pt at all, but the shawn yue guy was cute..
better movies over the wkend include infernal affairs 2, ohmygosh, edison chen was soooo cute, the way he smiles, blah blah blah...(someone kick my ass now) the movie was superb, very sad, though character development wasn't a strong suit, but plotlines were gripping, very sad n touching, major reason movie being gd is tt edison chen played a small part, he wld otherwise have ruined the movie..(one has to admit tt even though he looks like adonis, he hardly has any talent, i mean, for pete's sake, have you heard him SING?!?!?!)
rewatched a la follie pas du tout again, which was a joy, i like the twist, sudden change of viewpt...clever, wanna write a script like tt....wicked...
plus, we are "now enjoying a free preview of star chinese, which would end on 22 feb"
intend to fully utilise free ch...muahahaha...
gongxifacai to all...

ah well, it's been along time since i updated... hectic times are ahead...the excitement has orn off and the fear and trepidation has sunk in. I have found out that not only are the students of hc og genius proportions, they are an extremely talented bunch as well, who write poetry in their free time, argue about bush's ridiculous policies, and still find time do obtain diplomas in piano and stay super goodlooking, esp. the girls..

Seriously wish i had more nurturing while growing up, why oh why did i give up piano lessons?!?!? so what if the teacher was a total bitch???
nevermind, resolve to memorise the world atlas like everyonelse has already done.

Anyway, the good thing is that i enjoy the classes here, extremely thought-provoking, which we didn't really have at crescent...lol. now interested in nicholas steiner and thomas malthus, which i strongly recommend all jc 1 students to read up on (though i may have spelt ol'nick's name wrongly here). Economics is esp fun, primarily because barnard is so nasty... inspired to read the good book(no, not that one, sadly, but the John sloman one)..Speaking of which, seriously need to "Strengthen spiritual ties with the lord", not to sound too like a pompous git though...
In sch now, because blasted com at home has once again failed me...i am mortally disappointed in my family's lack of knowledge on computing basics...someone apparently reset the internet settings thing, which has caused a huge fiasco.
Anyway, my new catchphrase is ceteris paribus, which is sometimes highly unattainable, but nevertheless sought after...
Auditioned for the arts fac drama fest yesterday, the script ws sooo bad, i can'y believe judith huang wrote it, i mean , i actually cut out her poems and keep them, for pete's sake... i auditioned for the role of barbie, which is a really sad role, cos all the lines she spouts are amazingly disgusting..eg"ewww, ohmygosh"(in a high-pitched american accented voice) and as everybody know, my american accent sucks!! I only do Brits... lol.Pretty sure i screwed up, but i'm hoping for an extra part as the tealady/butler's assistant or something... a shrub even.
Oh yes, will absolutely have to talk about my DREADFUL sorethraot which led to a fever (38.6 degrees celcius!!!), which led to awful mood swings eg glaring at everyone... thankfully much better now, or at least, in a better mood...
Minor accident yesterday, when xq called, and i bent over to reach for the phone, accidentally knocked into sis's specs, which almost broke (note:the operative here is ALMOST), she ended up wailing for an hour... i think the specs weren't the centrl problem, more like the stress all pent up in her...sec 3's pretty tough...Boy, i'm so understanding it's staring to scare me.
bye , off to start on my wonderful reading list...

Technically wasted the whole day in school, which kicked off with a shocking speech from Barnard about "Mickey mouse" time. i.e. playing time, and how it is unadvisable to totally slacken... duh, quite inspired after that actually, but my gung-ho spirit about mugging lasted for only 1/2 hr when we went to the library to find out about the implications of the us dollar depreciating.... quite interesting, really. Anyway, went to ikea with mates to eat the "famous" swedish meatball, which i thought amounted to daylight robbery, $8.80 for a stupid combo meal which wasn't in the least bit filling.. Sneaked some free coke when waiter wasn't looking though..hahah, cheapo...Then, went all the way back to school, supposedly to attend debate auditions, but sidetracked instead, and spent the remaining time at choir audtions, which was fun\, listening to other pple sing..Joined in a medley of karaoke hits with mates, including spice girls, mariah carey, celine dion, our HC songs, which totally rock.. I found out that Liang Wenfu (some famous local songwriter)was actually an ex-hwachongian, and he wrote fab songs like xi shui chang liu, dang ni gu dan ni hui xiang qi shui, and a whole host of other soppy chinese ballads, which he reportedly wrote when he was still a student in HC, bemoaning the loss of the school building, (which was deemed unstable in 1991, and had to be torn down and rebuilt), and the friends he'd be leaving behind. The lyrics are seriously tear -inducing, plus, we used to sing some of them back in crescent as well.... so that's really cool, but kinda irritating as well, because i can't get the friggin melodies out of my head.
anyways, shall end off the entry with a poem by Peter Larkin:

This Be the Verse

They fuck you up, your mum n dad,
They may not mean to , but they do
They fill u with the faults theuy had,
n add some extra, just for u.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old style hats and coats,
who half the time were sloppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man,
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as u can,
and don't have any kids yourself.